[ she looks at her phone, then looks around like maybe, if she tries hard enough, shenhe will simply appear - but she isn't where she wants to be just yet, so he look around is brief and she heads back to the warehouses. ]
Hold on, Shenhe, just-- hold on, I'm hurrying. [ clearly saying this out loud will be effective. she wants to believe that it is, anyway.
she is going to try the warehouse, because she can't read the vague discord chat to know if this will work or not. also, she wants to have shenhe's vision nearby. that should help her focus. ]
[it's funny because it kind of is effective? sort of.]
Yes. I can hear you even when you can't hear me. [she's like, in this outfit, but without her red ropes, and she's still kind of fuzzy and not there. she does smile very warmly when nahri shows up. wow...]
... I'm not sure where you are. I can't see it. But hello.
[ remember how she was not going to cry? yeah that was specifically because she was in public. she makes it to the bed (the floral one) to sit, and she just
bursts into tears. ]
I've missed you. I've missed you so much.
[ SHE REALLY IS HAPPY BUT SHE'S FEELING A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT NOW ]
shenhe follows, as best she can - it looks like she has to kind of dodge around stuff wherever she is to get to where nahri is sitting. she crouches, and holds out a hand, putting it on top of nahri's knee, though it's just a simulation, of sorts. she can't touch, and if she moves her hand, it clips through nahri.]
I've missed you. [she says, firmly.] I'm sorry to have left you.
[a pause.] You were brilliant, during Fei Du's trial. I was watching.
[ the vision is sitting in her lap - it's something comforting, physical, as it pains her that she can't reach out for shenhe's hand or lean into a hug. ]
It wasn't your fault. [ she rubs roughly at her eyes with her arm. ] I just... I wanted to get it right for you and I couldn't. And then Fei Du died, and I knew I had to get it right that time or I wouldn't have another chance. I'd screw things up again. And I almost did for our team.
[ like, she doesn't regret going off because she knows she was right, but she wouldn't be able to live with herself if they were spite voted because of her. if wolfwood or vash had to be executed because of her. ]
You were not wrong. They had three members. And it made me feel better to know that my murderer was caught. Lambda didn't care about who killed her. But I did.
[a beat. she looks slightly guilty, but.] I killed him, when he arrived on our side.
[ so the thing is, nahri's expression doesn't change at this confession. she is not shocked, surprised, angry, or upset. she's still kind of lost in her own feelings, but she is looking to where shenhe vaguely is. ]
Eye for an eye, as they say.
It's not like he could be dead twice. He sent me a message not that long ago... so it's not like what you did was permanent.
[ if she were in shenhe's shoes, she probably would have done the same thing. she certainly wanted to lash out when everyone kept telling her that she just didn't understand why murdering shenhe was totally cool and fine and excusable - well. that's an exaggeration, but that's how that whole weekend felt after trial. she was wrong to feel that way, she was wrong to be upset, she was wrong to point out that froggystyle wasn't cooperating and were lying. all for whatever reason made it okay for her teammate to be violently ripped away from her. how was she supposed to let that go? how was she supposed to look at the burned corpse of her teammate and excuse what happened? why could no one understand why she felt the way she did? it never was about what she wanted. it never has been.
she leans back on the bed, frowning at the ceiling. she should be happier now that she can actually talk to shenhe, but that weekend will never leave her. ]
[ she purses her lips, and there's a sharp exhale through her nose. as grateful as she is that there's no sharing effect - emotions, thoughts, memories - with the dead, the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the fresh tears gathering at the corners of her eyes are clear enough indicators that hey wow she doesn't really like talking about this.
she should be the bigger person. she should make peace with what happened, especially now that shenhe is here. how shenhe chose to handle things after her death was between her and gerard. but nahri can't just forgive and forget. she never will. ]
I'm sorry. [that's genuine, and easy.] I am not telling you to not be angry. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who still hurts, and it makes me feel better to know that you cared enough about me to stand up to people, even when they were well-liked.
But we can talk about something else. [...] Did you get the song I sent you?
it hurts that she can't feel shenhe's weight on the bed. she can't feel her hovering nearby, the way you can sense someone else walk into a room with you - that weighty presence. but it is nice to know she's there. ]
You're more important to me than being liked.
[ But they can talk about something else. ]
I liked the song. It's different than what I'm used to, but I guess that's not a surprise. [ everything here is still so different, though she's grown more accustomed. ]
There was a song at the diner that I liked, but I'm still not very good at figuring how to do new things on the phones. I was trying to find one to send to you, too.
[there's no emotionshare between the dead and the living, but the expression on shenhe's face is so soft that it's probably clear how much that fist bit means to her.]
I have heard a lot of music while I've been here. Buzen and Matsui taught me a song to dance to, a few weeks ago. I sent it to Jonas. [...] Fei Du helped me with much of the phone bits.
I'd like to hear the song if you can figure out how to show it to me, sometime.
[ she finally sits up again to better look through her phone. every minute counts. anything to keep shenhe here. ]
Well, the diner one is easy. We can go there sometime, and I'll play it for you. [ tap, tap, tapping through her phone. ]
There was one on here that came up... I think I'm almost there. [ everything is worse when you feel like someone is watching you. performance anxiety. even though it's just navigating the music app.
but she finally does figure it out, and from the tinny little speaker a song begins to play. ]
[ she moves a hand in shenhe's direction, even though they can't touch. ]
I trust that all of you on that side will come back. I trust what Fei Du has told me in his messages is true and that you can come back. But waiting is going to be harder, knowing that you're this close.
It's relaxing, here. We met every Monday to talk, and we dress up in nice clothes. We talk about what we want to do for the week, and then the rest of it, we just... enjoy the city. I have read a lot of books while I've been here. I have made friends. The week that you all had a ball, we did as well.
We've all had the same effects as you, too. [a pause.] We've been on missions, but those weren't as nice.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hold on, Shenhe, just-- hold on, I'm hurrying. [ clearly saying this out loud will be effective. she wants to believe that it is, anyway.
she is going to try the warehouse, because she can't read the vague discord chat to know if this will work or not. also, she wants to have shenhe's vision nearby. that should help her focus. ]
Shenhe, can you see me? Can you hear me?
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Yes. I can hear you even when you can't hear me. [she's like, in this outfit, but without her red ropes, and she's still kind of fuzzy and not there. she does smile very warmly when nahri shows up. wow...]
... I'm not sure where you are. I can't see it. But hello.
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[ remember how she was not going to cry? yeah that was specifically because she was in public. she makes it to the bed (the floral one) to sit, and she just
bursts into tears. ]
I've missed you. I've missed you so much.
[ SHE REALLY IS HAPPY BUT SHE'S FEELING A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT NOW ]
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shenhe follows, as best she can - it looks like she has to kind of dodge around stuff wherever she is to get to where nahri is sitting. she crouches, and holds out a hand, putting it on top of nahri's knee, though it's just a simulation, of sorts. she can't touch, and if she moves her hand, it clips through nahri.]
I've missed you. [she says, firmly.] I'm sorry to have left you.
[a pause.] You were brilliant, during Fei Du's trial. I was watching.
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It wasn't your fault. [ she rubs roughly at her eyes with her arm. ] I just... I wanted to get it right for you and I couldn't. And then Fei Du died, and I knew I had to get it right that time or I wouldn't have another chance. I'd screw things up again. And I almost did for our team.
[ like, she doesn't regret going off because she knows she was right, but she wouldn't be able to live with herself if they were spite voted because of her. if wolfwood or vash had to be executed because of her. ]
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... It was important for them to not be erased, but I am still angry that Gerard took me from our team.
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Not that I would have forgiven him for it anyway.
...Vash tried to talk to me about it and I yelled at him. I don't think he understood how angry I was.
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[a beat. she looks slightly guilty, but.] I killed him, when he arrived on our side.
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Eye for an eye, as they say.
It's not like he could be dead twice. He sent me a message not that long ago... so it's not like what you did was permanent.
[ if she were in shenhe's shoes, she probably would have done the same thing. she certainly wanted to lash out when everyone kept telling her that she just didn't understand why murdering shenhe was totally cool and fine and excusable - well. that's an exaggeration, but that's how that whole weekend felt after trial. she was wrong to feel that way, she was wrong to be upset, she was wrong to point out that froggystyle wasn't cooperating and were lying. all for whatever reason made it okay for her teammate to be violently ripped away from her. how was she supposed to let that go? how was she supposed to look at the burned corpse of her teammate and excuse what happened? why could no one understand why she felt the way she did? it never was about what she wanted. it never has been.
she leans back on the bed, frowning at the ceiling. she should be happier now that she can actually talk to shenhe, but that weekend will never leave her. ]
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... We have talked. I don't know that I will ever forgive him completely, but he apologized to me for taking me from our team. [so there's that.]
I fought him, that night. I fought him as hard as I could. But he put me to sleep, and I fell off the side of the building.
[she just, uh. won't tell nahri that she died really slowly because she doesn't think nahri needs to know that.]
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she should be the bigger person. she should make peace with what happened, especially now that shenhe is here. how shenhe chose to handle things after her death was between her and gerard. but nahri can't just forgive and forget. she never will. ]
Can we talk about something else?
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[she says, moving a little closer.]
I'm sorry. [that's genuine, and easy.] I am not telling you to not be angry. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who still hurts, and it makes me feel better to know that you cared enough about me to stand up to people, even when they were well-liked.
But we can talk about something else. [...] Did you get the song I sent you?
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it hurts that she can't feel shenhe's weight on the bed. she can't feel her hovering nearby, the way you can sense someone else walk into a room with you - that weighty presence. but it is nice to know she's there. ]
You're more important to me than being liked.
[ But they can talk about something else. ]
I liked the song. It's different than what I'm used to, but I guess that's not a surprise. [ everything here is still so different, though she's grown more accustomed. ]
There was a song at the diner that I liked, but I'm still not very good at figuring how to do new things on the phones. I was trying to find one to send to you, too.
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I have heard a lot of music while I've been here. Buzen and Matsui taught me a song to dance to, a few weeks ago. I sent it to Jonas. [...] Fei Du helped me with much of the phone bits.
I'd like to hear the song if you can figure out how to show it to me, sometime.
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Well, the diner one is easy. We can go there sometime, and I'll play it for you. [ tap, tap, tapping through her phone. ]
There was one on here that came up... I think I'm almost there. [ everything is worse when you feel like someone is watching you. performance anxiety. even though it's just navigating the music app.
but she finally does figure it out, and from the tinny little speaker a song begins to play. ]
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Maybe I will teach you the dance that Matsui taught me.
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...I do want to dance with you again.
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pause, and then, like just kind of pathetically:]
I wish I could touch you.
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One of those kinds of dances, huh?
[ now she's just sad. ]
I guess we'll have to wait, then. What's... one more day. One more week.
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[is all. she sighs.]
I don't know when it'll be. I was surprised that we can do this much.
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[ she moves a hand in shenhe's direction, even though they can't touch. ]
I trust that all of you on that side will come back. I trust what Fei Du has told me in his messages is true and that you can come back. But waiting is going to be harder, knowing that you're this close.
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and then she smiles, just a little.] He doesn't make promises he can't keep. So... yes.
There is plenty that I can tell you about in the meantime. [...] There's only so much we can see on our screens. I always wonder what I'm missing.
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...And there's a lot more that I need to tell you.
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[as for the rest:]
It's relaxing, here. We met every Monday to talk, and we dress up in nice clothes. We talk about what we want to do for the week, and then the rest of it, we just... enjoy the city. I have read a lot of books while I've been here. I have made friends. The week that you all had a ball, we did as well.
We've all had the same effects as you, too. [a pause.] We've been on missions, but those weren't as nice.
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You went on one?
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