homophonic ❆ nahri

[bindings]

nahri

You're not just a memory.

CODE

Comments

[bindings]

You were not wrong. They had three members. And it made me feel better to know that my murderer was caught. Lambda didn't care about who killed her. But I did.

[a beat. she looks slightly guilty, but.] I killed him, when he arrived on our side.

[ashmark]

[ so the thing is, nahri's expression doesn't change at this confession. she is not shocked, surprised, angry, or upset. she's still kind of lost in her own feelings, but she is looking to where shenhe vaguely is. ]

Eye for an eye, as they say.

It's not like he could be dead twice. He sent me a message not that long ago... so it's not like what you did was permanent.

[ if she were in shenhe's shoes, she probably would have done the same thing. she certainly wanted to lash out when everyone kept telling her that she just didn't understand why murdering shenhe was totally cool and fine and excusable - well. that's an exaggeration, but that's how that whole weekend felt after trial. she was wrong to feel that way, she was wrong to be upset, she was wrong to point out that froggystyle wasn't cooperating and were lying. all for whatever reason made it okay for her teammate to be violently ripped away from her. how was she supposed to let that go? how was she supposed to look at the burned corpse of her teammate and excuse what happened? why could no one understand why she felt the way she did? it never was about what she wanted. it never has been.

she leans back on the bed, frowning at the ceiling. she should be happier now that she can actually talk to shenhe, but that weekend will never leave her. ]

[bindings]

[a little nod.]

... We have talked. I don't know that I will ever forgive him completely, but he apologized to me for taking me from our team. [so there's that.]

I fought him, that night. I fought him as hard as I could. But he put me to sleep, and I fell off the side of the building.

[she just, uh. won't tell nahri that she died really slowly because she doesn't think nahri needs to know that.]

[ashmark]

[ she purses her lips, and there's a sharp exhale through her nose. as grateful as she is that there's no sharing effect - emotions, thoughts, memories - with the dead, the rapid rise and fall of her chest and the fresh tears gathering at the corners of her eyes are clear enough indicators that hey wow she doesn't really like talking about this.

she should be the bigger person. she should make peace with what happened, especially now that shenhe is here. how shenhe chose to handle things after her death was between her and gerard. but nahri can't just forgive and forget. she never will. ]

Can we talk about something else?

[bindings]

Yes.

[she says, moving a little closer.]

I'm sorry. [that's genuine, and easy.] I am not telling you to not be angry. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one who still hurts, and it makes me feel better to know that you cared enough about me to stand up to people, even when they were well-liked.

But we can talk about something else. [...] Did you get the song I sent you?

[ashmark]

[ inhale. exhale.

it hurts that she can't feel shenhe's weight on the bed. she can't feel her hovering nearby, the way you can sense someone else walk into a room with you - that weighty presence. but it is nice to know she's there. ]

You're more important to me than being liked.

[ But they can talk about something else. ]

I liked the song. It's different than what I'm used to, but I guess that's not a surprise. [ everything here is still so different, though she's grown more accustomed. ]

There was a song at the diner that I liked, but I'm still not very good at figuring how to do new things on the phones. I was trying to find one to send to you, too.

[bindings]

[there's no emotionshare between the dead and the living, but the expression on shenhe's face is so soft that it's probably clear how much that fist bit means to her.]

I have heard a lot of music while I've been here. Buzen and Matsui taught me a song to dance to, a few weeks ago. I sent it to Jonas. [...] Fei Du helped me with much of the phone bits.

I'd like to hear the song if you can figure out how to show it to me, sometime.

[ashmark]

[ she finally sits up again to better look through her phone. every minute counts. anything to keep shenhe here. ]

Well, the diner one is easy. We can go there sometime, and I'll play it for you. [ tap, tap, tapping through her phone. ]

There was one on here that came up... I think I'm almost there. [ everything is worse when you feel like someone is watching you. performance anxiety. even though it's just navigating the music app.

but she finally does figure it out, and from the tinny little speaker a song begins to play. ]

[bindings]

[she leans forward, her hair falling in her face. she's listening!]

Maybe I will teach you the dance that Matsui taught me.

[ashmark]

[ oh the urge to tuck her hair back... ]

...I do want to dance with you again.

[bindings]

[a

pause, and then, like just kind of pathetically:]

I wish I could touch you.

[ashmark]

[ any residual anger she was holding onto from their prior conversation is instantly obliterated. ]

One of those kinds of dances, huh?

[ now she's just sad. ]

I guess we'll have to wait, then. What's... one more day. One more week.

[bindings]

It would just... be easier.

[is all. she sighs.]

I don't know when it'll be. I was surprised that we can do this much.

[ashmark]

I don't think it's an unpleasant surprise.

[ she moves a hand in shenhe's direction, even though they can't touch. ]

I trust that all of you on that side will come back. I trust what Fei Du has told me in his messages is true and that you can come back. But waiting is going to be harder, knowing that you're this close.

[bindings]

It isn't an unpleasant surprise, no. [a pause.

and then she smiles, just a little.] He doesn't make promises he can't keep. So... yes.

There is plenty that I can tell you about in the meantime. [...] There's only so much we can see on our screens. I always wonder what I'm missing.

[ashmark]

You said you've been behaving. And that your side is nicer. Tell me what it's like.

...And there's a lot more that I need to tell you.

[bindings]

I will listen to everything you have to say.

[as for the rest:]

It's relaxing, here. We met every Monday to talk, and we dress up in nice clothes. We talk about what we want to do for the week, and then the rest of it, we just... enjoy the city. I have read a lot of books while I've been here. I have made friends. The week that you all had a ball, we did as well.

We've all had the same effects as you, too. [a pause.] We've been on missions, but those weren't as nice.

[ashmark]

[ there is solance in knowing the erased side hasn't been utterly miserable. though that last hanging statement gets her attention. ]

You went on one?

[bindings]

... Yes. The same week you did.

[ashmark]

Shenhe... [ DISTRESS ] What happened? Are you hurt? Healing psychs work on your side, don't they?

[bindings]

[there's a brief flicker of a thought - running in what looks like sand, an axe, and the sound of iron meeting flesh, and then she shakes her head.]

They do. Rang healed me. [...] If you died on that side you'd just come back a few hours later. I'm not hurt.

[not, like. physically, anyway.]

[ashmark]

[ she is still distressed ]

But what happened? Don't-- You don't have to pretend like it was okay. I know how hard those missions can be.

[bindings]

[that's fair, it was distressing]

... It. [she starts, and then stops. she pushes her hair back out of her face.] I was a weapon. Like how Buzen and Matsui are. They are sword spirits - I was born as one, and I was sent on a mission to make sure history happened the way it was supposed to.

Rang and I were assigned to make sure a rebel camp was wiped out the way it was supposed to be. [a shift.] But when we came in, you and Wolfwood were there. You were children trying to survive.

So I couldn't. I couldn't destroy the camp.

[ashmark]

Oh, Shenhe...

[ all she can do in lieu of a real hug is hold the vision closer to her chest. not being able to touch is torture. not being able to soothe her is torture. not being able to say it's okay, i'm here - because she isn't, really. she can't be. what she wouldn't give to pour all these feelings into her, something warm and real.

though it's not the same, being in the moment and having to make those decisions. she knows that. even knowing it's not real, the emotions and experiences are. it's a cruel, complex fact of how these missions tend to go and she hates it. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to even consider that decision.

[ what else can she say? 'glad you didn't murder a child version of me'? yeah, helpful. ]

[bindings]

[she isn't connected to the vision anymore, but nahri hugs it and she swears she can feel it, even just a little. she's quiet for a moment, when nahri speaks, and then looks away.

because uh about that]

History broke, because I refused. [she says, quietly.] It started to fold in on itself. And if I continued to refuse, it would kill everybody else, too. Rang, and Rin, and Count D. Buzen, and Matsui.

We were going to die. We were outmatched, so - so I tried... I tried to fix it. [...] I sent you a message, that Thursday.