homophonic ❆ nahri

[bindings]

nahri

You're not just a memory.

CODE

Comments

[ashmark]

[ inhale. exhale.

it hurts that she can't feel shenhe's weight on the bed. she can't feel her hovering nearby, the way you can sense someone else walk into a room with you - that weighty presence. but it is nice to know she's there. ]

You're more important to me than being liked.

[ But they can talk about something else. ]

I liked the song. It's different than what I'm used to, but I guess that's not a surprise. [ everything here is still so different, though she's grown more accustomed. ]

There was a song at the diner that I liked, but I'm still not very good at figuring how to do new things on the phones. I was trying to find one to send to you, too.

[bindings]

[there's no emotionshare between the dead and the living, but the expression on shenhe's face is so soft that it's probably clear how much that fist bit means to her.]

I have heard a lot of music while I've been here. Buzen and Matsui taught me a song to dance to, a few weeks ago. I sent it to Jonas. [...] Fei Du helped me with much of the phone bits.

I'd like to hear the song if you can figure out how to show it to me, sometime.

[ashmark]

[ she finally sits up again to better look through her phone. every minute counts. anything to keep shenhe here. ]

Well, the diner one is easy. We can go there sometime, and I'll play it for you. [ tap, tap, tapping through her phone. ]

There was one on here that came up... I think I'm almost there. [ everything is worse when you feel like someone is watching you. performance anxiety. even though it's just navigating the music app.

but she finally does figure it out, and from the tinny little speaker a song begins to play. ]

[bindings]

[she leans forward, her hair falling in her face. she's listening!]

Maybe I will teach you the dance that Matsui taught me.

[ashmark]

[ oh the urge to tuck her hair back... ]

...I do want to dance with you again.

[bindings]

[a

pause, and then, like just kind of pathetically:]

I wish I could touch you.

[ashmark]

[ any residual anger she was holding onto from their prior conversation is instantly obliterated. ]

One of those kinds of dances, huh?

[ now she's just sad. ]

I guess we'll have to wait, then. What's... one more day. One more week.

[bindings]

It would just... be easier.

[is all. she sighs.]

I don't know when it'll be. I was surprised that we can do this much.

[ashmark]

I don't think it's an unpleasant surprise.

[ she moves a hand in shenhe's direction, even though they can't touch. ]

I trust that all of you on that side will come back. I trust what Fei Du has told me in his messages is true and that you can come back. But waiting is going to be harder, knowing that you're this close.

[bindings]

It isn't an unpleasant surprise, no. [a pause.

and then she smiles, just a little.] He doesn't make promises he can't keep. So... yes.

There is plenty that I can tell you about in the meantime. [...] There's only so much we can see on our screens. I always wonder what I'm missing.

[ashmark]

You said you've been behaving. And that your side is nicer. Tell me what it's like.

...And there's a lot more that I need to tell you.

[bindings]

I will listen to everything you have to say.

[as for the rest:]

It's relaxing, here. We met every Monday to talk, and we dress up in nice clothes. We talk about what we want to do for the week, and then the rest of it, we just... enjoy the city. I have read a lot of books while I've been here. I have made friends. The week that you all had a ball, we did as well.

We've all had the same effects as you, too. [a pause.] We've been on missions, but those weren't as nice.

[ashmark]

[ there is solance in knowing the erased side hasn't been utterly miserable. though that last hanging statement gets her attention. ]

You went on one?

[bindings]

... Yes. The same week you did.

[ashmark]

Shenhe... [ DISTRESS ] What happened? Are you hurt? Healing psychs work on your side, don't they?

[bindings]

[there's a brief flicker of a thought - running in what looks like sand, an axe, and the sound of iron meeting flesh, and then she shakes her head.]

They do. Rang healed me. [...] If you died on that side you'd just come back a few hours later. I'm not hurt.

[not, like. physically, anyway.]

[ashmark]

[ she is still distressed ]

But what happened? Don't-- You don't have to pretend like it was okay. I know how hard those missions can be.

[bindings]

[that's fair, it was distressing]

... It. [she starts, and then stops. she pushes her hair back out of her face.] I was a weapon. Like how Buzen and Matsui are. They are sword spirits - I was born as one, and I was sent on a mission to make sure history happened the way it was supposed to.

Rang and I were assigned to make sure a rebel camp was wiped out the way it was supposed to be. [a shift.] But when we came in, you and Wolfwood were there. You were children trying to survive.

So I couldn't. I couldn't destroy the camp.

[ashmark]

Oh, Shenhe...

[ all she can do in lieu of a real hug is hold the vision closer to her chest. not being able to touch is torture. not being able to soothe her is torture. not being able to say it's okay, i'm here - because she isn't, really. she can't be. what she wouldn't give to pour all these feelings into her, something warm and real.

though it's not the same, being in the moment and having to make those decisions. she knows that. even knowing it's not real, the emotions and experiences are. it's a cruel, complex fact of how these missions tend to go and she hates it. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to even consider that decision.

[ what else can she say? 'glad you didn't murder a child version of me'? yeah, helpful. ]

[bindings]

[she isn't connected to the vision anymore, but nahri hugs it and she swears she can feel it, even just a little. she's quiet for a moment, when nahri speaks, and then looks away.

because uh about that]

History broke, because I refused. [she says, quietly.] It started to fold in on itself. And if I continued to refuse, it would kill everybody else, too. Rang, and Rin, and Count D. Buzen, and Matsui.

We were going to die. We were outmatched, so - so I tried... I tried to fix it. [...] I sent you a message, that Thursday.

[ashmark]

[ she cants her head and has to look through her phone again. ]






Oh.

[ still staring at the screen, as the realization of what that probably means settles into her. ]

[bindings]

[she shifts, pulling her knees to her chest.]

It didn't work. It was for nothing. We failed the mission.

[ashmark]

Shenhe... I--

[ whatever she wants to say fades from her lips before she can even say it. ]

But you're here, and I'm here, and it's not... It's not the same. It's just a cruel trick of this place.

[ she can't heal this. she can't fix this. she feels so utterly helpless but this isn't even about her. ]

[bindings]

I know.

[she says, looking up at her.]

... I'm alright. I know it wasn't real, and I've had time. [but she absolutely was a mess when she came out.] I'm sorry that I hurt you, even if it wasn't really you.

[You screamed, and Wolfwood didn't even get a chance to say anything, and I felt it. I was the weapon, I felt it.]

[ashmark]

[ there is a part of her that wants to say, 'you didn't' - but that won't take away the pain, and dismissing it like that isn't right. ]

I could never be upset with you.