homophonic ❆ nahri

[bindings]

nahri

You're not just a memory.

CODE

Comments

[bindings]

... Yes. The same week you did.

[ashmark]

Shenhe... [ DISTRESS ] What happened? Are you hurt? Healing psychs work on your side, don't they?

[bindings]

[there's a brief flicker of a thought - running in what looks like sand, an axe, and the sound of iron meeting flesh, and then she shakes her head.]

They do. Rang healed me. [...] If you died on that side you'd just come back a few hours later. I'm not hurt.

[not, like. physically, anyway.]

[ashmark]

[ she is still distressed ]

But what happened? Don't-- You don't have to pretend like it was okay. I know how hard those missions can be.

[bindings]

[that's fair, it was distressing]

... It. [she starts, and then stops. she pushes her hair back out of her face.] I was a weapon. Like how Buzen and Matsui are. They are sword spirits - I was born as one, and I was sent on a mission to make sure history happened the way it was supposed to.

Rang and I were assigned to make sure a rebel camp was wiped out the way it was supposed to be. [a shift.] But when we came in, you and Wolfwood were there. You were children trying to survive.

So I couldn't. I couldn't destroy the camp.

[ashmark]

Oh, Shenhe...

[ all she can do in lieu of a real hug is hold the vision closer to her chest. not being able to touch is torture. not being able to soothe her is torture. not being able to say it's okay, i'm here - because she isn't, really. she can't be. what she wouldn't give to pour all these feelings into her, something warm and real.

though it's not the same, being in the moment and having to make those decisions. she knows that. even knowing it's not real, the emotions and experiences are. it's a cruel, complex fact of how these missions tend to go and she hates it. ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to even consider that decision.

[ what else can she say? 'glad you didn't murder a child version of me'? yeah, helpful. ]

[bindings]

[she isn't connected to the vision anymore, but nahri hugs it and she swears she can feel it, even just a little. she's quiet for a moment, when nahri speaks, and then looks away.

because uh about that]

History broke, because I refused. [she says, quietly.] It started to fold in on itself. And if I continued to refuse, it would kill everybody else, too. Rang, and Rin, and Count D. Buzen, and Matsui.

We were going to die. We were outmatched, so - so I tried... I tried to fix it. [...] I sent you a message, that Thursday.

[ashmark]

[ she cants her head and has to look through her phone again. ]






Oh.

[ still staring at the screen, as the realization of what that probably means settles into her. ]

[bindings]

[she shifts, pulling her knees to her chest.]

It didn't work. It was for nothing. We failed the mission.

[ashmark]

Shenhe... I--

[ whatever she wants to say fades from her lips before she can even say it. ]

But you're here, and I'm here, and it's not... It's not the same. It's just a cruel trick of this place.

[ she can't heal this. she can't fix this. she feels so utterly helpless but this isn't even about her. ]

[bindings]

I know.

[she says, looking up at her.]

... I'm alright. I know it wasn't real, and I've had time. [but she absolutely was a mess when she came out.] I'm sorry that I hurt you, even if it wasn't really you.

[You screamed, and Wolfwood didn't even get a chance to say anything, and I felt it. I was the weapon, I felt it.]

[ashmark]

[ there is a part of her that wants to say, 'you didn't' - but that won't take away the pain, and dismissing it like that isn't right. ]

I could never be upset with you.

[bindings]

... That is kind of you.

[she says, after a moment.]

When I found out you also had been on one, and I could do nothing for you, it was... bad.

[ashmark]

Bad? [ this is worrying in a different way. ] Because we were separated?

[ like, she assumes, but just wants to make sure without putting too fine a point on it. ]

[bindings]

Yes.

[a pause.]

You are not allowed to get mad at me if I tell you what happened.

[ashmark]

[ a pause. she tries to look at her - maybe through her - while adjusting her grip on the vision. ]

I won't. I promise.

[bindings]

I asked Matsui to kill me. We come back after a couple hours, here.

It was nice to not have to exist for a while. When I came back, I was calmer.

[ashmark]

[ there's a long pause. she isn't mad. but she is a little distraught and trying not to be. ]

Is that how it works?

[ it's different because she asked. it wasn't cold blooded murder. but nahri still isn't very enthused to talk about it. ]

[bindings]

[a little nod.]

I haven't asked again. I needed it, the way that I needed you to turn off my emotions, weeks ago. [...] Fei Du helped me, too. He always does.

[ashmark]

[ that manages to get a tiny smile out of her. ]

Yeah, he's good at that.

[ --!! WAIT ]

Shenhe, your ropes. Is that why you don't need them anymore?

[bindings]

[she tilts her head, and then:]

It may have helped. [she says, slowly, like she hadn't even thought about it.] I took them off when I fought Gerard, and then I - I never put them back on.

I have been learning how to control myself better. Without the ropes. [she's a little proud of herself for it, honestly.]

[ashmark]

[ she deserves to be proud!! nahri is proud. her smile gets a little bigger. ]

It's hard, isn't it? Emotions never do what you want them to.

[bindings]

[aaaaaaa the smile on nahri's face makes shenhe smile in return, and it's like. it's such an easy motion. she smiles like she's never had a problem doing it before.]

They do not. But I prefer this. [...] If things go right, I will show you how I feel.

[ashmark]

[ this is a blessing. shenhe's smile is a blessing. ]

Then things better go right, because now you have me looking forward to it.

[bindings]

[that makes her laugh, a little, just a small heh.]

You should be. [...] There were things you said you wanted to tell me.