[there are a lot of conflicting emotions going on here. sacrificing other people for someone you care about, huh. shenhe is quiet, with tinge of loneliness, and then resignation, and then void.
and a deep breath.]
Yes, I suppose so. [...] What do you think of it? Mondstadt is... interesting.
I think it accurately reflects how authoritative power structures will exploit others for their own advantage.
[ she is filled with a roiling bitterness. but she starts to gently rub her arm again, almost automatic - maybe trying to soothe herself just as much as shenhe, too. ]
[ she's quiet, her emotions easing up, but there's a buzzing anxiety and sadness trying to claw through. ]
I started the negotiations. I have to get married [ annoyed ] so I picked the best choice for myself. I'm going to get the best dowry and status from it. I'm already being spied on anyway and can't do anything on my own, and my husband isn't going to want anything to do with me, so might as well get what I can out of the arrangement.
What, the dowry? Use it to buy whatever I want and lounge around the palace, I suppose. [ shame creeps up, because they both know she's avoiding what she is really asking.
she interlaces her fingers with shenhe's. fidgeting, anxious. ]
Maybe I'll be able to take the throne back from my ancestral enemy that I have, apparently. Leverage connections so other people can stop dying in squalor. Do something other than stay in the infirmary where the king wants to make a fool of me and take away more of my power. I don't know.
[she doesn't believe the first answer, which is fine because nahri continues.
the anger eases, when nahri laces their fingers together. slowly, but it does.]
This doesn't surprise me. [she says, glancing at nahri before looking down at the book.] You would not marry into something to make it worse. Already you're trying to find a way to make things better for people.
[ it's just. a lot to unpack. it goes back to her always saying later and avoiding things - which, she is surprised by the abruptness in which shenhe speaks, but is grateful for the change in subject. ]
[ and just like that, she can put her own feelings aside to make room for the soft warmth and affection that were there before. it feels like it's blooming out of her chest.
she reaches up to gently brush some of shenhe's bangs aside. ]
Oh, Shenhe... No one is expecting you to be perfect. [ she rests her hand lightly on the side of her face. ]
there's a little lurch in shenhe's emotions, something bright to match the affection, something struggling to kick through the layers, something that makes her heart thud violently in her ears. it gets worse (better?) when nahri puts her hand on the side of her face.
shenhe... doesn't freeze, not really, that's too negative of a reaction, but she goes go a little still.
she doesn't know what to say, so she just goes a little pink at the tops of her cheeks instead.]
[ that reaction draws out a pang of longing. she keeps her hand there, running her thumb over shenhe's cheek. she hasn't been shy about the other affectionate gestures - the hugging, the hand holding - and she isn't going to be shy about this either. especially when she can't even hide the outpouring of soft, tender feelings. they drown out the hint of sadness that she feels, but it's there, edging along the current of the better things that she wants to feel. ]
[shenhe is quiet, for a moment, just sort of. staring. instinctively, she leans into the way nahri runs her thumb over her cheek. she's liked this touch since the start, even if it took some time to get used to.
she doesn't know what to do with the longing - she recognizes it, because she's felt it, but it's never been so strong, and she's not even sure what it's for. it's a little overwhelming.
hm. she might be dying, she thinks idly. her mouth is pretty dry.]
[ nahri had promised herself she was not going to do this again. however, she is still an emotional, impulsive person. she doesn't want to go through the agony of losing someone again. she doesn't want to involve shenhe - who is, no matter how you look at it, a person she cares deeply about - in this specific torment of attachment and loss. not when she already struggles with baseline emotions. not when they have two separate lives to return to after this.
so when she leans to kiss her, it's light. gentle. enough time and enough room for her to escape. there's a small part of nahri that wishes she could mentally yell at shenhe to run away. maybe nahri should be the one running away. so much for her 'doing the right thing.'
her face is red when she sits back on her knees. she's embarrassed. that hint of sadness from before is swirling together with anxiety. but more than that, above those, is nothing but pure affection. it's complicated. ]
[well - she doesn't run away! so that's... well, good, in a sense.
however, she really has no idea what to do with this. never in her life has she even been kissed - she knows what it is, and she's seen people do it, but she's never thought about it happening to her before. she's always been so concerned with not hurting people, with staying distant because anything else brings ruin, but now she's dead and the only thing she wants to do is throw the ropes to the side.
when nahri pulls back, there's almost a protesting emotion, something like no, wait, I wasn't finished figuring that out yet, and then something a little more sheepish.]
Oh.
[is like, really all that she can manage, and then - for the first time since getting here, she laughs.
it's not mean, it's not derisive or rude, it's just kind of... happy.]
[ there's another flare of embarrassment. nahri doesn't regret what she did and her emotions will reflect that (or rather, the lack thereof). but she still can't help but feel like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't. like a kid with their hand in the cookie jar. it's not serious, or severe, and shenhe's own sheepishness only amplifies her own. ]
I- I'm sorry, I just...
[ her heart is beating so fast and her thoughts are flying by at a million miles per hour. great. this is going great! smooth move, nahri!! ]
[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
[she gives nahri a look, but the affection is there. a very fragile, very small bloom of a flower.]
No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
Why can't I be? [ she's grinning. she readjusts herself to be more comfortable against shenhe so they can keep holding hands. in all honestly, she isn't very good at this either. and the whole idea of romance is beyond her. it's not something she has experience with. feelings? yeah, sure. but given her less than ideal circumstances before coming here, she hasn't had much time or opportunity to understand how things are supposed to work.
there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
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I'd almost be disappointed if the ending went any other way.
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and a deep breath.]
Yes, I suppose so. [...] What do you think of it? Mondstadt is... interesting.
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[ she is filled with a roiling bitterness. but she starts to gently rub her arm again, almost automatic - maybe trying to soothe herself just as much as shenhe, too. ]
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I have no experience with that. [but.] I imagine you might.
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[ this does nothing to help the bitterness. ]
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Hm.
[die death destruction - that's actually. way stronger than anything else she's felt, unfortunately. it's muted still, but clearer.]
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It's okay, Shenhe.
[ she isn't mad. there's no following lecture this time. but she will offer an explanation: ] It's my fault.
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I doubt that. [...] Explain further.
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I started the negotiations. I have to get married [ annoyed ] so I picked the best choice for myself. I'm going to get the best dowry and status from it. I'm already being spied on anyway and can't do anything on my own, and my husband isn't going to want anything to do with me, so might as well get what I can out of the arrangement.
[ now she's just angry and sad. ]
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What will you do with that?
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she interlaces her fingers with shenhe's. fidgeting, anxious. ]
Maybe I'll be able to take the throne back from my ancestral enemy that I have, apparently. Leverage connections so other people can stop dying in squalor. Do something other than stay in the infirmary where the king wants to make a fool of me and take away more of my power. I don't know.
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the anger eases, when nahri laces their fingers together. slowly, but it does.]
This doesn't surprise me. [she says, glancing at nahri before looking down at the book.] You would not marry into something to make it worse. Already you're trying to find a way to make things better for people.
[and then, abruptly:] I made my decision.
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[ it's just. a lot to unpack. it goes back to her always saying later and avoiding things - which, she is surprised by the abruptness in which shenhe speaks, but is grateful for the change in subject. ]
Oh? Should I brace myself for the answer?
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[her emotions waver a little.]
Like you do. Like Alex does, like Vash does, like Rin did. [...] I will falter. I am not built for it. But I will try.
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she reaches up to gently brush some of shenhe's bangs aside. ]
Oh, Shenhe... No one is expecting you to be perfect. [ she rests her hand lightly on the side of her face. ]
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there's a little lurch in shenhe's emotions, something bright to match the affection, something struggling to kick through the layers, something that makes her heart thud violently in her ears. it gets worse (better?) when nahri puts her hand on the side of her face.
shenhe... doesn't freeze, not really, that's too negative of a reaction, but she goes go a little still.
she doesn't know what to say, so she just goes a little pink at the tops of her cheeks instead.]
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It's hard doing the right thing.
[ the feeling of longing gets stronger. ]
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she doesn't know what to do with the longing - she recognizes it, because she's felt it, but it's never been so strong, and she's not even sure what it's for. it's a little overwhelming.
hm. she might be dying, she thinks idly. her mouth is pretty dry.]
... I - yes. [well, at least those were words.]
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so when she leans to kiss her, it's light. gentle. enough time and enough room for her to escape. there's a small part of nahri that wishes she could mentally yell at shenhe to run away. maybe nahri should be the one running away. so much for her 'doing the right thing.'
her face is red when she sits back on her knees. she's embarrassed. that hint of sadness from before is swirling together with anxiety. but more than that, above those, is nothing but pure affection. it's complicated. ]
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however, she really has no idea what to do with this. never in her life has she even been kissed - she knows what it is, and she's seen people do it, but she's never thought about it happening to her before. she's always been so concerned with not hurting people, with staying distant because anything else brings ruin, but now she's dead and the only thing she wants to do is throw the ropes to the side.
when nahri pulls back, there's almost a protesting emotion, something like no, wait, I wasn't finished figuring that out yet, and then something a little more sheepish.]
Oh.
[is like, really all that she can manage, and then - for the first time since getting here, she laughs.
it's not mean, it's not derisive or rude, it's just kind of... happy.]
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I- I'm sorry, I just...
[ her heart is beating so fast and her thoughts are flying by at a million miles per hour. great. this is going great! smooth move, nahri!! ]
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[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
That's never happened before.
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No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
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there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
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