[shenhe is quiet, for a moment, just sort of. staring. instinctively, she leans into the way nahri runs her thumb over her cheek. she's liked this touch since the start, even if it took some time to get used to.
she doesn't know what to do with the longing - she recognizes it, because she's felt it, but it's never been so strong, and she's not even sure what it's for. it's a little overwhelming.
hm. she might be dying, she thinks idly. her mouth is pretty dry.]
[ nahri had promised herself she was not going to do this again. however, she is still an emotional, impulsive person. she doesn't want to go through the agony of losing someone again. she doesn't want to involve shenhe - who is, no matter how you look at it, a person she cares deeply about - in this specific torment of attachment and loss. not when she already struggles with baseline emotions. not when they have two separate lives to return to after this.
so when she leans to kiss her, it's light. gentle. enough time and enough room for her to escape. there's a small part of nahri that wishes she could mentally yell at shenhe to run away. maybe nahri should be the one running away. so much for her 'doing the right thing.'
her face is red when she sits back on her knees. she's embarrassed. that hint of sadness from before is swirling together with anxiety. but more than that, above those, is nothing but pure affection. it's complicated. ]
[well - she doesn't run away! so that's... well, good, in a sense.
however, she really has no idea what to do with this. never in her life has she even been kissed - she knows what it is, and she's seen people do it, but she's never thought about it happening to her before. she's always been so concerned with not hurting people, with staying distant because anything else brings ruin, but now she's dead and the only thing she wants to do is throw the ropes to the side.
when nahri pulls back, there's almost a protesting emotion, something like no, wait, I wasn't finished figuring that out yet, and then something a little more sheepish.]
Oh.
[is like, really all that she can manage, and then - for the first time since getting here, she laughs.
it's not mean, it's not derisive or rude, it's just kind of... happy.]
[ there's another flare of embarrassment. nahri doesn't regret what she did and her emotions will reflect that (or rather, the lack thereof). but she still can't help but feel like she's been caught doing something she shouldn't. like a kid with their hand in the cookie jar. it's not serious, or severe, and shenhe's own sheepishness only amplifies her own. ]
I- I'm sorry, I just...
[ her heart is beating so fast and her thoughts are flying by at a million miles per hour. great. this is going great! smooth move, nahri!! ]
[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
[she gives nahri a look, but the affection is there. a very fragile, very small bloom of a flower.]
No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
Why can't I be? [ she's grinning. she readjusts herself to be more comfortable against shenhe so they can keep holding hands. in all honestly, she isn't very good at this either. and the whole idea of romance is beyond her. it's not something she has experience with. feelings? yeah, sure. but given her less than ideal circumstances before coming here, she hasn't had much time or opportunity to understand how things are supposed to work.
there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
she tilts her head, closing her eyes for a moment. maybe she doesn't need to do much more than just this. if she thinks too hard she's going to skittish herself right out of the situation, so.]
Clearly. [but that's - meant to be a joke, and after a moment, a little softer:] I like you how you are, too.
[ that makes her melt a little. how long has it been since she's felt happy? nothing complicated or conditional about her contentment. just plain happiness. ]
[it's kind of a feedback loop, in that the more nahri feels happy the more shenhe feels like she's going to burst, with it. she hasn't felt anything intensely since she was like, five. this is a lot.]
Yes, it would be. [she says this with the tone of like, gazes]
I wish I had my real healing ability back. Then I wouldn't need this. [ she flips the book open to a random page. there's a diagram of the lungs and heart and how they sit in the chest cavity. ]
[ she adjusts the book so shenhe can see more easily. ]
I don't know how to explain it. I've always had it. I could just... see illness, in my mind. It was like an extra sight. If there was something wrong with your lungs, I could hear it, or smell it, or see the dark spots inside them. [ there's a little bit of sadness. a little bit of loneliness. ] Healing magic doesn't exist where I come from. So it's not like I could tell anyone. I just had to pretend to be a good fortune teller that coincidentally knew how to cure specific ailments, and knew the right person who sold the right compounds for medicine.
[ there's that emotional sink drain again, swirling and pulling her feelings down. she fidgets. but, it's something that she can't really avoid forever, so. ]
Well, I thought I was just a plain, normal human until a few months ago. Normal, plain humans don't have access to magic. It just doesn't exist in our world. Or what used to by my world...
But djinn do. Daevas do. And I'm half daeva, apparently. And only certain daeva have healing magic.
[the sink drain emotion makes shenhe's whole spirit like, wrinkle, because she doesn't like that this topic is making nahri uncomfortable, but she doesn't move.]
Maybe to some people. [ she likes being nestled against shenhe, so while this is not her favorite topic, she doesn't shy away. ]
But um... healing is a divine power that only passes down through a specific heritage. And I'm the only one left. So-- there's just a lot of things I have to take care of. It's why I have to get married. And there's a lot of important things I have to be a part of that I don't really understand.
[a little nod. that... makes sense, in a way - she has important blood, an important fate, and so she has to be responsible with it. it feels so opposite of how shenhe's... existence, is, that it almost makes her sad. not because she'd like to be in nahri's place, but because she wonders if something evil can really be worth it to something divine.
she's quiet, for a moment.]
I understand. That is a heavy responsibility. [...] I still think your marriage is ridiculous. If you are important, you should be able to live as you please.
It is ridiculous. [ there's a flare of something lighter - just two girls gossiping, being normal. novelty in a sort of relationship she's never had before. ] But I'm telling you, that dowry can afford me a lot of time to do whatever I want. [ she can't really joke, when shenhe already knows the truth. ]
As I've had to find out, the more important you are, the smaller your cage gets. Can't have me getting ideas like... running away. No one cares when you're a dirty little street thief. Everyone cares when you're the last healer on earth, or whatever. Where I go, who I talk to, what I do, how I do it...
[ there's a sort of tired resignation. her emotions have leveled out, so they're not the gloomy, draining sadness. but man, it is a heavy burden and she is barely equipped to deal with it. ]
[this is like, absolutely nightmarish. the idea of having someone looking over your shoulder like that is horrendous, and shenhe feels that resignation and - well. it's not gloomy or horrible, but. it feels bad all the same.
earlier, she felt a little happier when she kissed her, earlier. there was joy, there. so - shenhe shifts, and presses a kiss, chaste and gentle, to the corner of nahri's mouth.]
Nobody is here to do that to you, right now. [she says, firmly.] So... go where you want. Talk to who you want, do what you want to do, do it how you'd like to.
[and then, like she's quoting someone:]
Eat, laugh, live a little while you still can. Nothing wrong with appreciating the outside world.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
she doesn't know what to do with the longing - she recognizes it, because she's felt it, but it's never been so strong, and she's not even sure what it's for. it's a little overwhelming.
hm. she might be dying, she thinks idly. her mouth is pretty dry.]
... I - yes. [well, at least those were words.]
no subject
so when she leans to kiss her, it's light. gentle. enough time and enough room for her to escape. there's a small part of nahri that wishes she could mentally yell at shenhe to run away. maybe nahri should be the one running away. so much for her 'doing the right thing.'
her face is red when she sits back on her knees. she's embarrassed. that hint of sadness from before is swirling together with anxiety. but more than that, above those, is nothing but pure affection. it's complicated. ]
no subject
however, she really has no idea what to do with this. never in her life has she even been kissed - she knows what it is, and she's seen people do it, but she's never thought about it happening to her before. she's always been so concerned with not hurting people, with staying distant because anything else brings ruin, but now she's dead and the only thing she wants to do is throw the ropes to the side.
when nahri pulls back, there's almost a protesting emotion, something like no, wait, I wasn't finished figuring that out yet, and then something a little more sheepish.]
Oh.
[is like, really all that she can manage, and then - for the first time since getting here, she laughs.
it's not mean, it's not derisive or rude, it's just kind of... happy.]
no subject
I- I'm sorry, I just...
[ her heart is beating so fast and her thoughts are flying by at a million miles per hour. great. this is going great! smooth move, nahri!! ]
no subject
[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
That's never happened before.
no subject
no subject
No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
no subject
there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
no subject
she tilts her head, closing her eyes for a moment. maybe she doesn't need to do much more than just this. if she thinks too hard she's going to skittish herself right out of the situation, so.]
Clearly. [but that's - meant to be a joke, and after a moment, a little softer:] I like you how you are, too.
no subject
This would be really awkward if you didn't.
no subject
Yes, it would be. [she says this with the tone of like, gazes]
no subject
she's content to just sit like this for a while though. it's not like she has plans. or know what else to do. ]
So.
Is there anything else you want to read?
no subject
I didn't have anything specific. [...] But I'd like to spend more time with you, so if you'd like to pick something...
no subject
no subject
Alright. I imagine that's useful for healing.
no subject
I wish I had my real healing ability back. Then I wouldn't need this. [ she flips the book open to a random page. there's a diagram of the lungs and heart and how they sit in the chest cavity. ]
I'd be able to see everything.
no subject
How does that work? [she's interested in the diagram, at least.] Your healing, I mean. How do you see?
no subject
I don't know how to explain it. I've always had it. I could just... see illness, in my mind. It was like an extra sight. If there was something wrong with your lungs, I could hear it, or smell it, or see the dark spots inside them. [ there's a little bit of sadness. a little bit of loneliness. ] Healing magic doesn't exist where I come from. So it's not like I could tell anyone. I just had to pretend to be a good fortune teller that coincidentally knew how to cure specific ailments, and knew the right person who sold the right compounds for medicine.
no subject
Healing magic doesn't exist where you come from? [huh.] Were you the first?
no subject
Well, I thought I was just a plain, normal human until a few months ago. Normal, plain humans don't have access to magic. It just doesn't exist in our world. Or what used to by my world...
But djinn do. Daevas do. And I'm half daeva, apparently. And only certain daeva have healing magic.
no subject
I see. [...] Is that a problem?
no subject
But um... healing is a divine power that only passes down through a specific heritage. And I'm the only one left. So-- there's just a lot of things I have to take care of. It's why I have to get married. And there's a lot of important things I have to be a part of that I don't really understand.
no subject
she's quiet, for a moment.]
I understand. That is a heavy responsibility. [...] I still think your marriage is ridiculous. If you are important, you should be able to live as you please.
no subject
As I've had to find out, the more important you are, the smaller your cage gets. Can't have me getting ideas like... running away. No one cares when you're a dirty little street thief. Everyone cares when you're the last healer on earth, or whatever. Where I go, who I talk to, what I do, how I do it...
[ there's a sort of tired resignation. her emotions have leveled out, so they're not the gloomy, draining sadness. but man, it is a heavy burden and she is barely equipped to deal with it. ]
no subject
earlier, she felt a little happier when she kissed her, earlier. there was joy, there. so - shenhe shifts, and presses a kiss, chaste and gentle, to the corner of nahri's mouth.]
Nobody is here to do that to you, right now. [she says, firmly.] So... go where you want. Talk to who you want, do what you want to do, do it how you'd like to.
[and then, like she's quoting someone:]
Eat, laugh, live a little while you still can. Nothing wrong with appreciating the outside world.
(no subject)
(no subject)