[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
[she gives nahri a look, but the affection is there. a very fragile, very small bloom of a flower.]
No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
Why can't I be? [ she's grinning. she readjusts herself to be more comfortable against shenhe so they can keep holding hands. in all honestly, she isn't very good at this either. and the whole idea of romance is beyond her. it's not something she has experience with. feelings? yeah, sure. but given her less than ideal circumstances before coming here, she hasn't had much time or opportunity to understand how things are supposed to work.
there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
she tilts her head, closing her eyes for a moment. maybe she doesn't need to do much more than just this. if she thinks too hard she's going to skittish herself right out of the situation, so.]
Clearly. [but that's - meant to be a joke, and after a moment, a little softer:] I like you how you are, too.
[ that makes her melt a little. how long has it been since she's felt happy? nothing complicated or conditional about her contentment. just plain happiness. ]
[it's kind of a feedback loop, in that the more nahri feels happy the more shenhe feels like she's going to burst, with it. she hasn't felt anything intensely since she was like, five. this is a lot.]
Yes, it would be. [she says this with the tone of like, gazes]
I wish I had my real healing ability back. Then I wouldn't need this. [ she flips the book open to a random page. there's a diagram of the lungs and heart and how they sit in the chest cavity. ]
[ she adjusts the book so shenhe can see more easily. ]
I don't know how to explain it. I've always had it. I could just... see illness, in my mind. It was like an extra sight. If there was something wrong with your lungs, I could hear it, or smell it, or see the dark spots inside them. [ there's a little bit of sadness. a little bit of loneliness. ] Healing magic doesn't exist where I come from. So it's not like I could tell anyone. I just had to pretend to be a good fortune teller that coincidentally knew how to cure specific ailments, and knew the right person who sold the right compounds for medicine.
[ there's that emotional sink drain again, swirling and pulling her feelings down. she fidgets. but, it's something that she can't really avoid forever, so. ]
Well, I thought I was just a plain, normal human until a few months ago. Normal, plain humans don't have access to magic. It just doesn't exist in our world. Or what used to by my world...
But djinn do. Daevas do. And I'm half daeva, apparently. And only certain daeva have healing magic.
[the sink drain emotion makes shenhe's whole spirit like, wrinkle, because she doesn't like that this topic is making nahri uncomfortable, but she doesn't move.]
Maybe to some people. [ she likes being nestled against shenhe, so while this is not her favorite topic, she doesn't shy away. ]
But um... healing is a divine power that only passes down through a specific heritage. And I'm the only one left. So-- there's just a lot of things I have to take care of. It's why I have to get married. And there's a lot of important things I have to be a part of that I don't really understand.
[a little nod. that... makes sense, in a way - she has important blood, an important fate, and so she has to be responsible with it. it feels so opposite of how shenhe's... existence, is, that it almost makes her sad. not because she'd like to be in nahri's place, but because she wonders if something evil can really be worth it to something divine.
she's quiet, for a moment.]
I understand. That is a heavy responsibility. [...] I still think your marriage is ridiculous. If you are important, you should be able to live as you please.
It is ridiculous. [ there's a flare of something lighter - just two girls gossiping, being normal. novelty in a sort of relationship she's never had before. ] But I'm telling you, that dowry can afford me a lot of time to do whatever I want. [ she can't really joke, when shenhe already knows the truth. ]
As I've had to find out, the more important you are, the smaller your cage gets. Can't have me getting ideas like... running away. No one cares when you're a dirty little street thief. Everyone cares when you're the last healer on earth, or whatever. Where I go, who I talk to, what I do, how I do it...
[ there's a sort of tired resignation. her emotions have leveled out, so they're not the gloomy, draining sadness. but man, it is a heavy burden and she is barely equipped to deal with it. ]
[this is like, absolutely nightmarish. the idea of having someone looking over your shoulder like that is horrendous, and shenhe feels that resignation and - well. it's not gloomy or horrible, but. it feels bad all the same.
earlier, she felt a little happier when she kissed her, earlier. there was joy, there. so - shenhe shifts, and presses a kiss, chaste and gentle, to the corner of nahri's mouth.]
Nobody is here to do that to you, right now. [she says, firmly.] So... go where you want. Talk to who you want, do what you want to do, do it how you'd like to.
[and then, like she's quoting someone:]
Eat, laugh, live a little while you still can. Nothing wrong with appreciating the outside world.
[ that cuts through the gloom. the kiss sends another crackle of happiness through her - pure, gentle, sweet. it's only further backed up by those words. it's not criticism, chastisement, or some grim reminder that it doesn't matter how she feels or what she wants, she's just an avatar to shuffle around - no.
she isn't.
this place hasn't grown on her all that much. it's still hell to be in. she still struggles with how far behind she is in understanding even basic concepts that seem to come easier to everyone else. she hates having to abide by the rules. but the people she's grown quite fond of. she adores her team. she appreciates how she can go for a walk without having to worry about being shuffled off to some important political function or spied on. she can talk to others without worry of her words being reported and used against her. as much as she loathes to consider it, she has been able to relax here. but again, that's only possible because of the company that's trapped here too.
she turns a little pink, between the kiss and the words and her brief rumination on those same words. her heart flutters, and her feelings along with it. ]
Thank you, Shenhe. I will.
[ there's resolve there, now. ]
And I want to appreciate what I have right here, too.
[ she lays her head on shenhe's shoulder - which, they were already pretty smushed together, but she still manages to cuddle up even more. ]
[hoooo boy, all those emotions make shenhe's heart thud in her ears again. she has to just like, let that happen for a minute, to sit with them. it's a lot and she's not used to it, but she doesn't hate it. in fact, she far from hates it. there's something warm and relieved in her.
she's never been treated like this before. as someone to be appreciated, as someone who isn't so different that this is out of her reach. for a second, there's the briefest heat behind her eyes, and then it's gone. the briefest sensation of overwhelmed.
it's a little bit of an emotional workout. shenhe exhales, and when nahri rests her head on her shoulder, she just wraps an arm around her and rests her head on top of nahri's, closing her eyes.
she doesn't say anything, but she holds nahri close, because she thinks that speaks a little louder than words.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she says, firmly. she knows that, at least. a pause as she tries to sort through everything. cannot emphasize how much this is a brand new situation to her and her brain has just force quit itself.]
That's never happened before.
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No, you're not. [she knows!!
after a moment, she reaches for nahri's hand again. she is so very not good at words, and she's not good at emotions either, so she's struggling, but - she likes this. even if she's not entirely sure how to proceed.]
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there's a brief flutter of amusement, recalling some of her past conversations with people she'll probably never see again. ]
...I meant what I said, when I told you that I like you how you are.
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she tilts her head, closing her eyes for a moment. maybe she doesn't need to do much more than just this. if she thinks too hard she's going to skittish herself right out of the situation, so.]
Clearly. [but that's - meant to be a joke, and after a moment, a little softer:] I like you how you are, too.
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This would be really awkward if you didn't.
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Yes, it would be. [she says this with the tone of like, gazes]
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she's content to just sit like this for a while though. it's not like she has plans. or know what else to do. ]
So.
Is there anything else you want to read?
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I didn't have anything specific. [...] But I'd like to spend more time with you, so if you'd like to pick something...
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Alright. I imagine that's useful for healing.
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I wish I had my real healing ability back. Then I wouldn't need this. [ she flips the book open to a random page. there's a diagram of the lungs and heart and how they sit in the chest cavity. ]
I'd be able to see everything.
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How does that work? [she's interested in the diagram, at least.] Your healing, I mean. How do you see?
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I don't know how to explain it. I've always had it. I could just... see illness, in my mind. It was like an extra sight. If there was something wrong with your lungs, I could hear it, or smell it, or see the dark spots inside them. [ there's a little bit of sadness. a little bit of loneliness. ] Healing magic doesn't exist where I come from. So it's not like I could tell anyone. I just had to pretend to be a good fortune teller that coincidentally knew how to cure specific ailments, and knew the right person who sold the right compounds for medicine.
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Healing magic doesn't exist where you come from? [huh.] Were you the first?
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Well, I thought I was just a plain, normal human until a few months ago. Normal, plain humans don't have access to magic. It just doesn't exist in our world. Or what used to by my world...
But djinn do. Daevas do. And I'm half daeva, apparently. And only certain daeva have healing magic.
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I see. [...] Is that a problem?
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But um... healing is a divine power that only passes down through a specific heritage. And I'm the only one left. So-- there's just a lot of things I have to take care of. It's why I have to get married. And there's a lot of important things I have to be a part of that I don't really understand.
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she's quiet, for a moment.]
I understand. That is a heavy responsibility. [...] I still think your marriage is ridiculous. If you are important, you should be able to live as you please.
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As I've had to find out, the more important you are, the smaller your cage gets. Can't have me getting ideas like... running away. No one cares when you're a dirty little street thief. Everyone cares when you're the last healer on earth, or whatever. Where I go, who I talk to, what I do, how I do it...
[ there's a sort of tired resignation. her emotions have leveled out, so they're not the gloomy, draining sadness. but man, it is a heavy burden and she is barely equipped to deal with it. ]
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earlier, she felt a little happier when she kissed her, earlier. there was joy, there. so - shenhe shifts, and presses a kiss, chaste and gentle, to the corner of nahri's mouth.]
Nobody is here to do that to you, right now. [she says, firmly.] So... go where you want. Talk to who you want, do what you want to do, do it how you'd like to.
[and then, like she's quoting someone:]
Eat, laugh, live a little while you still can. Nothing wrong with appreciating the outside world.
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she isn't.
this place hasn't grown on her all that much. it's still hell to be in. she still struggles with how far behind she is in understanding even basic concepts that seem to come easier to everyone else. she hates having to abide by the rules. but the people she's grown quite fond of. she adores her team. she appreciates how she can go for a walk without having to worry about being shuffled off to some important political function or spied on. she can talk to others without worry of her words being reported and used against her. as much as she loathes to consider it, she has been able to relax here. but again, that's only possible because of the company that's trapped here too.
she turns a little pink, between the kiss and the words and her brief rumination on those same words. her heart flutters, and her feelings along with it. ]
Thank you, Shenhe. I will.
[ there's resolve there, now. ]
And I want to appreciate what I have right here, too.
[ she lays her head on shenhe's shoulder - which, they were already pretty smushed together, but she still manages to cuddle up even more. ]
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she's never been treated like this before. as someone to be appreciated, as someone who isn't so different that this is out of her reach. for a second, there's the briefest heat behind her eyes, and then it's gone. the briefest sensation of overwhelmed.
it's a little bit of an emotional workout. shenhe exhales, and when nahri rests her head on her shoulder, she just wraps an arm around her and rests her head on top of nahri's, closing her eyes.
she doesn't say anything, but she holds nahri close, because she thinks that speaks a little louder than words.]