[ nahri is out here vibing by one of the canals. it's fine. she's not really upset or angry, but she is tired. when she notices shenhe, this does not change. she does not approach, but she also does not attempt to flee. ]
Do you need something?
[ that comes out much more curt than she intended. ]
... I came to apologize. I upset you. [a beat. and with her usual devoid-of-emotion air:] I would understand if you want nothing to do with me, and I will respect that. But we are still teammates. And I will still protect you, even if it needs to be from a distance.
[ she looks at her, the unbothered facade starting to crack. she wishes she had her chador on today so she could grip the hem - busy her hands. do something. she can feel her fingers twitch. ]
You were being stupid!
[ that's unfair. she knows before the words even leave her lips that it's unfair. they both saw what happened when the group returned, and nahri knows that the proximity to the two of them - even if they aren't close - is going to affect shenhe. it'd affect anyone in that position. nahri knows that it'd affect her too.
but this is only a conversation she's had in her head. ]
They went to Liyue. My home. They found themselves in a cave, as children, fighting against a monster who was going to consume them. And by defeating it, they were awarded a Vision.
Okay. [ there's a couple different things going through her head, trying to connect dots between what shenhe has already told her. it feels like there's more to come though, and she can only make so much of a fool of herself at one time. ]
[ well that takes the wind out of her sails. now she's upset for a different reason. her tone is still tight, but she continues to crumble under her unfortunate emotional weight. ]
That wasn't the real you. You're still here. And you didn't hurt them.
I wanted to help Wolfwood. He was angry. And I was angry. And so I attacked him, because I know that when he fights, it makes him feel less like he's hurting.
But I didn't think about how it would affect anybody else.
[ she scowls. ] So you can be angry for the not-real-you hurting your friends, but not at attacking Wolfwood? He was being stupid too! Whatever is wrong with him wasn't going to be fixed by attacking him! That doesn't make any sense.
You can't tell me you seriously believe that you were doing anything good when you were already angry about hurting people.
... Yes. I did. [she seems kind of confused at this because what do you mean normal people don't fight to feel better] The not-real-me was not the one who hurt anybody. She died, pathetically.
It was me who did. My memories were used to hurt them.
I don't either! [ throws her arms up in exasperation!!! ]
Do you think I want you to be like this? [ wait. ] Do you think I want to see you feel this way about yourself? I don't care that your emotions are restrained. You still feel something, unless you're doing something reckless, and trying to get yourself hurt.
[ aw man. the tears are here. not much- but her eyes are starting to look a bit leaky. ] You can't go back and fix things. You can erase your memories but what happened, happened. You can only move forward, Shenhe. You just-- Please, stop acting like no one else cares because of things beyond your control. You care that your friends were hurt. You care that Wolfwood felt better even though he was being stupid. Stop being so damned reckless! I know you're angry-- [ there's more tears ] And you have to keep your emotions sealed. [ she is rapidly losing her coherency ] But I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want you to die.
[ there was maybe a point in there, somewhere, but it got lost in the swell of her emotions. ]
[shenhe looks a little alarmed by this, but it's mostly because she's not sure someone has yelled in concern at her like this before, and she doesn't quite know what to do with it.
she listens, though.]
... I don't want to die either. [she says, finally.] Wolfwood wouldn't have killed me.
[which. isn't the point but.]
I... I'm trying. [she says, a little frustrated, and then:] It isn't always something that I can control. It isn't recklessness, it's... it's more than that.
[she keeps faltering, though, because she isn't exactly sure what nahri is trying to get at.]
[ she doesn't want to be crying either. alas. she has to let it happen, because fighting it will only result in uglier tears. ]
What will happen?
[ what she said before is still true: she doesn't want shenhe to get hurt. she doesn't want to see her without the ropes. nahri would rather walk through fire than have any of her teammates in harm's way, but she wants to know. needs to know, in case...
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Do you need something?
[ that comes out much more curt than she intended. ]
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shenhe pauses.]
... I came to apologize. I upset you. [a beat. and with her usual devoid-of-emotion air:] I would understand if you want nothing to do with me, and I will respect that. But we are still teammates. And I will still protect you, even if it needs to be from a distance.
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[ there's a heavy air between them that she doesn't like. maybe it's just her. maybe shenhe doesn't care. who knows. but it's unpleasant either way. ]
...It's fine, Shenhe.
[ yeah wow good job. they're doing great. ]
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it does bother her. it bothers her a lot.]
It isn't. I'm inexperienced with speaking to people, Nahri, but I'm not stupid.
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You were being stupid!
[ that's unfair. she knows before the words even leave her lips that it's unfair. they both saw what happened when the group returned, and nahri knows that the proximity to the two of them - even if they aren't close - is going to affect shenhe. it'd affect anyone in that position. nahri knows that it'd affect her too.
but this is only a conversation she's had in her head. ]
I don't want anything to happen to you either!
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I was angry. [she says, which - is the same thing, sometimes.] Did you speak with any of the people who came back?
[this has a point but she's getting there]
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[ she already feels cornered, but. she probably deserves this, for lashing out. ]
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This is also how I was awarded my Vision.
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So they went through, what, a memory of yours?
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[a pause.]
I don't remember this. But I did bring them calamity, like I always do. They were hurt so badly.
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That wasn't the real you. You're still here. And you didn't hurt them.
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[a pause.]
I wanted to help Wolfwood. He was angry. And I was angry. And so I attacked him, because I know that when he fights, it makes him feel less like he's hurting.
But I didn't think about how it would affect anybody else.
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You can't tell me you seriously believe that you were doing anything good when you were already angry about hurting people.
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... Yes. I did. [she seems kind of confused at this because what do you mean normal people don't fight to feel better] The not-real-me was not the one who hurt anybody. She died, pathetically.
It was me who did. My memories were used to hurt them.
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[ she doesn't even know what direction she's supposed to be upset in anymore ]
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I... [she just kind of flounders, and then:] I don't like this.
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Do you think I want you to be like this? [ wait. ] Do you think I want to see you feel this way about yourself? I don't care that your emotions are restrained. You still feel something, unless you're doing something reckless, and trying to get yourself hurt.
[ aw man. the tears are here. not much- but her eyes are starting to look a bit leaky. ] You can't go back and fix things. You can erase your memories but what happened, happened. You can only move forward, Shenhe. You just-- Please, stop acting like no one else cares because of things beyond your control. You care that your friends were hurt. You care that Wolfwood felt better even though he was being stupid. Stop being so damned reckless! I know you're angry-- [ there's more tears ] And you have to keep your emotions sealed. [ she is rapidly losing her coherency ] But I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want you to die.
[ there was maybe a point in there, somewhere, but it got lost in the swell of her emotions. ]
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she listens, though.]
... I don't want to die either. [she says, finally.] Wolfwood wouldn't have killed me.
[which. isn't the point but.]
I... I'm trying. [she says, a little frustrated, and then:] It isn't always something that I can control. It isn't recklessness, it's... it's more than that.
[she keeps faltering, though, because she isn't exactly sure what nahri is trying to get at.]
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Is it because of your curse?
[ this isn't pointed. most of her own frustrations exist separately from this issue and, well, they're getting vented out through her tears. ]
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I think so. [a pause.] The only thing that I can still clearly feel is anger, sometimes.
[which. sucks. but she's gotten used to it.]
These ropes were to protect both myself and other people from me. But they're not always strong enough. I would never want you to see me without them.
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What will happen?
[ what she said before is still true: she doesn't want shenhe to get hurt. she doesn't want to see her without the ropes. nahri would rather walk through fire than have any of her teammates in harm's way, but she wants to know. needs to know, in case...
she shouldn't even be thinking about that. ]
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and after a moment:]
I don't know. [and that's honest.] When I didn't have them, I hurt myself. I hurt other people. But I was a child, then.
[a sigh.] I didn't want to tell you about this.
[because - nahri said i like you as you are, but she thinks that nahri didn't see the full picture, and now she's afraid.]
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...Then we'll make sure that never happens.
[ that's all she needed to know. there's no fault in shenhe not knowing - nahri believes her. she doesn't need to push for any more than that. ]
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Did I scare you?
[she asks, finally.]
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