bindings | homophonic ❆ nahri

They went to Liyue. My home. They found themselves in a cave, as children, fighting against a monster who was going to consume them. And by defeating it, they were awarded a Vision.

This is also how I was awarded my Vision.

Okay. [ there's a couple different things going through her head, trying to connect dots between what shenhe has already told her. it feels like there's more to come though, and she can only make so much of a fool of herself at one time. ]

So they went through, what, a memory of yours?

Yes. Multiple memories of mine. They fought a creature that I had brought down, before. But in their version, I died.

[a pause.]

I don't remember this. But I did bring them calamity, like I always do. They were hurt so badly.

[ well that takes the wind out of her sails. now she's upset for a different reason. her tone is still tight, but she continues to crumble under her unfortunate emotional weight. ]

That wasn't the real you. You're still here. And you didn't hurt them.

I did. In a sense, I did.

[a pause.]

I wanted to help Wolfwood. He was angry. And I was angry. And so I attacked him, because I know that when he fights, it makes him feel less like he's hurting.

But I didn't think about how it would affect anybody else.

[ she scowls. ] So you can be angry for the not-real-you hurting your friends, but not at attacking Wolfwood? He was being stupid too! Whatever is wrong with him wasn't going to be fixed by attacking him! That doesn't make any sense.

You can't tell me you seriously believe that you were doing anything good when you were already angry about hurting people.

[another pause.]

... Yes. I did. [she seems kind of confused at this because what do you mean normal people don't fight to feel better] The not-real-me was not the one who hurt anybody. She died, pathetically.

It was me who did. My memories were used to hurt them.

So you're just not supposed to have memories anymore? Is that it?

[ she doesn't even know what direction she's supposed to be upset in anymore ]

[neither does shenhe honestly]

I... [she just kind of flounders, and then:] I don't like this.

I don't either! [ throws her arms up in exasperation!!! ]

Do you think I want you to be like this? [ wait. ] Do you think I want to see you feel this way about yourself? I don't care that your emotions are restrained. You still feel something, unless you're doing something reckless, and trying to get yourself hurt.

[ aw man. the tears are here. not much- but her eyes are starting to look a bit leaky. ] You can't go back and fix things. You can erase your memories but what happened, happened. You can only move forward, Shenhe. You just-- Please, stop acting like no one else cares because of things beyond your control. You care that your friends were hurt. You care that Wolfwood felt better even though he was being stupid. Stop being so damned reckless! I know you're angry-- [ there's more tears ] And you have to keep your emotions sealed. [ she is rapidly losing her coherency ] But I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want you to die.

[ there was maybe a point in there, somewhere, but it got lost in the swell of her emotions. ]

[shenhe looks a little alarmed by this, but it's mostly because she's not sure someone has yelled in concern at her like this before, and she doesn't quite know what to do with it.

she listens, though.]

... I don't want to die either. [she says, finally.] Wolfwood wouldn't have killed me.

[which. isn't the point but.]

I... I'm trying. [she says, a little frustrated, and then:] It isn't always something that I can control. It isn't recklessness, it's... it's more than that.

[she keeps faltering, though, because she isn't exactly sure what nahri is trying to get at.]

[ she wipes her eyes. she doesn't know what she's getting at either. ]

Is it because of your curse?

[ this isn't pointed. most of her own frustrations exist separately from this issue and, well, they're getting vented out through her tears. ]

[she looks very upset at nahri crying, but she doesn't come closer because she doesn't want to make it worse!!!]

I think so. [a pause.] The only thing that I can still clearly feel is anger, sometimes.

[which. sucks. but she's gotten used to it.]

These ropes were to protect both myself and other people from me. But they're not always strong enough. I would never want you to see me without them.

[ she doesn't want to be crying either. alas. she has to let it happen, because fighting it will only result in uglier tears. ]

What will happen?

[ what she said before is still true: she doesn't want shenhe to get hurt. she doesn't want to see her without the ropes. nahri would rather walk through fire than have any of her teammates in harm's way, but she wants to know. needs to know, in case...

she shouldn't even be thinking about that. ]

[she opens her mouth - and then closes it.

and after a moment:]

I don't know. [and that's honest.] When I didn't have them, I hurt myself. I hurt other people. But I was a child, then.

[a sigh.] I didn't want to tell you about this.

[because - nahri said i like you as you are, but she thinks that nahri didn't see the full picture, and now she's afraid.]

[ that hangs between them for a moment. nahri's breath keeps hitching as she tries to get herself under control - it's working, a little. ]

...Then we'll make sure that never happens.

[ that's all she needed to know. there's no fault in shenhe not knowing - nahri believes her. she doesn't need to push for any more than that. ]

[she pulls her hair over her shoulder, fiddling with it. it's braided, but like. lopsided on one side and nicely on the other]

Did I scare you?

[she asks, finally.]

...Yes.

What part of it scared you?

[ she goes quiet, pressing her lips together. there's a few deep breaths before she can speak again. ]

Before I came here, something happened. I saw-- I saw someone I care about lose control and go on a rampage. I saw him hurt people. He killed one of my friends.

[ she shakes her head - in part to shake away the memory. she doesn't want shenhe to get the wrong idea, so she forces herself to continue: ] Y-you're not like that, but I--

[ no, she's crying again. sorry. ]

[ah

no, but. she understands why that'd be terrifying, and her expression shifts into something softer, sadder. her hands twitch.]

I understand. [she says, after a moment, and then:] You don't have to reassure me.

[a beat.]

If I come closer, will that upset you?

[ she shakes her head, roughly wiping her hands over her face to fight away the tears. ]

[she very carefully makes her way over, slow, easy.

and then brings her hand up and wipes away some of her tears.]

I never know what to say to crying people. [she says, with a little frown.]

It's okay. [ softer, genuine. not trying to push her away or guard her own feelings this time. ]

You don't have to say anything.

I'd like to, though. [she says, with a little sigh.] I want to be better at this.

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ashmark - 2023-06-25 16:40 (UTC) - Expand