[ as if she wouldn't try to contact shenhe. she wanders around like any other poor soul looking for good reception, though she wants to be somewhere that offers at least a decent amount of privacy. or maybe the park, because shenhe did love the outside. ]
[it's fine, she can find shenhe almost immediately because shenhe is doing her best to get to an area where she can see nahri in return. when nahri opens her senses, shenhe is not too far from her, and with a good amount of relief:]
[ the relfex to run and hug her is strong, but she is unfortunately still incoporeal, so nahri is left looking like a dope with her arms partially raised. she drops them to her sides awkwardly once she catches herself. ]
I'm alive. I've been pretty hard to kill, historically.
Are you okay? We couldn't reach anyone on that side...
[she's going to just - come over and pretend like she can, anyway, resting her hand on nahri's arm and trying not to let it go through her.]
We're fine. We - watched all of you die. [so that was a little traumatizing, but.] We could see you after time was rewound, though, it's... just good to talk to you.
You could see us? [ that brings some relief, at least, and it comes through her voice. ]
I'm happy I get to see you again though. [ there's a pause here, and she takes a moment to just. look at shenhe as best she can, regardless of connection quality. she's not trying to underscore her point, she just really missed her.
and then: ] We should probably... talk about some things... In case anything else like that happens again.
[ because it could happen, and that thought terrifies her, knowing it could be for real next time. ]
Okay. [ this is the forceful sort of 'okay' to herself, to make her do this, because haha god she's put this off too much already, and now they're here, and she feels like she's going to (figuratively) explode. ]
You might want to sit down, wherever you are.
[ nahri can't, however - too anxious - so she starts to pace back and forth. ]
You know that I care about you, right? [ there's already a light blush on her cheeks, though it's not like she's kept how much she cares a secret. ] I care about you a lot, so I need you to listen to me. It's really, really important that you listen, because if you don't, you could get hurt again, and I can't bear the thought of that happening, so just...[ she fumbles, and she has to shake her head, force herself to keep going through with this. ]
I don't know what is going to happen when the game concludes. I assume I'll have to go back to where I was before this. There's... I-- There's a lot going on, civil unrest and violence, and I have to help people. It's my job. I can't leave.
[ as she paces, she's been making a point to not look at shenhe. her own hands, or the ground, just-- anywhere but her. this is so hard. she hates this so much.
but when she finally does, she wants to meet her gaze, and nahri looks utterly miserable. ] I can't ever leave.
[she doesn't sit, but she does listen, watching, her hair in her face.]
... I know, Nahri. [it's funny - she's been assuming this since she died, since they talked to nightingale, since they put together their plan. she wishes she could touch. she wishes she could take advantage of the time they have left, but.]
I know. You are a good person, and I've always known that you were going to go home. [...] We have the ability to go somewhere else, after all of this.
But I can't leave my home, either. And so if... we aren't allowed to travel back and forth, then that is how it'll have to be.
[it's hard, and it hurts, and she's - her whole body aches with it, but it isn't a surprise, at least.]
... I wish that you would come with me. But I know that's selfish to ask.
[ a shaky inhale and she nods, to show she understands. she is using all of her willpower to keep her emotions in check. she has to get through this. she can't keep running away. ]
I want to.
[ oh, does she ever. ]
I want a choice. I don't want to go back, Shenhe. I was kidnapped because-- [ she shakes her head. not ready. ]
I was kidnapped, and I was forced to stay, and I'm trapped there. It has nothing to do with me being a good person, I just can't leave because I've already tried, and failed, and others died because of it. That's why there's unrest.
There's an army ready to drag me back if I try again. I would give anything to get away from there, to be free again, to do whatever I wanted and not because I'm expected to, because I have to be responsible for all these things that I don't- I don't even know what all of them are! I just have to do them! [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] I hate it there, Shenhe. This is the first time I've ever had the opportunity to... make friends. And I didn't have to struggle to survive, or get paraded around as an object to be worshiped, I could just... be whatever I wanted.
What's stopping you from coming with me? The army? They can't reach you in Teyvat. [she watches her.] You are gone already. They can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
[ it's something she had considered before. but there's guilt at leaving that she doesn't know how to explain. all the expectations and responsibility piled high on top of her that she doesn't want, but trying to take advantage of her position to help those who need it. to learn about herself that she never had access to before.
and she felt presumptuous, expecting shenhe to want her there, or to be able to go with her in the first place. maybe this is all a memory of someone else, like those missions they go on, and at the end of it all she'll wake up in her bed with no choice to go to teyvat at all. ]
...I didn't know if it'd work like that. Or what you're facing back home.
I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving, or stop you from doing something that you need to do. It's the only reason I am not asking you outright to stay with me.
[because - she wants that. she does, she doesn't think she has to be subtle about it.]
At home, it's peaceful. I live in the mountains, but I don't need to stay there. We could go wherever you wanted. And nobody would stop you from being you. You could use whatever magic you wanted, and nobody would look twice.
[ this makes her heart ache. selfish nahri. she meant what she said: she'd give anything to get away. she'd give up all her magic if it meant she could have peace and be with shenhe. ]
You aren't forcing me. [ her pacing has slowed, and for now she stops, wanting to get another good look at her again.
a sad sigh, and she continues: ] In Daevabad, I have to do whatever it is my title says I have to. I spend days in the infirmary trying to heal djinn but no one will train me, they just want to see me fail. I keep getting patients and reprimanded because my progress is slow. My tribe expects me to be a good role model and know all the customs and appear at the Grand Temple so they can do their prayers and rituals. I have to know how the court works because the man I'm marrying will be king some day, and I have to bear his wretched children so my bloodline doesn't die out.
I'm the last divine healer left. No one else can do what I can do. But I don't get a say in how I run my own life, because I'm too important to too many people and it'd be a problem if I had my own choices, instead of being a figure to worship and a tool to be used to keep the people happy.
[she thinks, absently, about what jonas, and vash, and fei du, and so many people have told her over the past few days.]
If your world does not care to take care of you, why do you care to take care of it? You owe them nothing. [selfish, sure, but. shenhe is the wrong person to ask about being selfless.] I don't understand. They set you up to fail, they show you off so that the people don't rebel, and you'll be forced to breed for a man who doesn't care about you for - what, exactly? To quell rebellion? I fail to see how this is your problem. They will learn to exist without you, like they did before they knew you are who you are.
I want you to come with me. I would be happiest, if you would.
[but. she folds her arms.] But I won't make that choice for you. You can run your own life, Nahri. You are getting that chance, right now.
[ she wasn't sure what to expect. maybe part of her expected to run away again, unprepared for what she thought would be the truth - that they could never be together. that part of her wanted shenhe to save her, but not if it meant risk, not if it meant harm, not if it meant having to watch her die under the crushing weight of the karkadann or by the hands of the royal guard and their fiery weapons. she was so used to having her choices taken away, she never considered not going back. she simply accepted it as part of her reality, whether she woke up there after the game ends or she had to be whisked away again past the high brass walls and deposited safely back into her gilded cage.
for as awful as the game had been, she got to make choices. she got to make friends. she got to finally see how she deserves to be treated, and that other people can like her for her, not her status or title or other superficial bullshit.
she finally got to experience happiness. real happiness, not what she convinced herself was good enough, because it was the best she was going to get. ]
I want to be with you.
[ she doesn't have to think about it. she would be a fool to choose anything else. she is getting a chance, she is getting a choice, and of course she would want happiness over anything else. she wants shenhe to be happy, whatever that was going to mean in the end, but of course she selfishly wants the both of them to be happy, together. ]
[simply. it's the only choice that makes sense to her.
she's learned, here, that she can be happy. that she doesn't have to be restricted. that she can feel, and that she doesn't have to be guilty for doing so. it's taken time, it's taken people holding out their hands to her and coaxing her out into the world. wolfwood, who told her weeks ago that she could live without having to apologize for it, has no idea how much that has stuck with her.
shenhe takes a couple steps towards her - around various obstacles on her end, moving around a table, a chair, and then standing in front of nahri, face to face. she can't kiss her. she wants to. but that'll have to wait. for now...]
You can. There are enough points that if we can get this to go right, if we make it through, you can come with me. So come with me.
[she holds out her hands. just - pretend. just pretend to hold, for now.]
[ they can pretend, for now. nahri mimics the gesture, careful to not fully put her hands through shenhe's. but they're touching as much as they can, given their situation. ]
Then wait for me. We'll finish this, and we can run away together.
[ she has to try to keep things light, as she might start crying otherwise. but this time, it's because she's overwhelmed with good feelings. no despair or torment, only sweet longing. belonging, more like, as she's finally found a place - a person - she can call home. ]
[ she can't help but laugh - girlish and giddy. was she really so worried, just minutes ago? is this really happening? she'll have to make sure, once they can be together on the same plane of existence again. ]
You owe me a kiss. [ hm. ] Maybe two, now. And--
[ she leans in, looking up into her eyes. ]
You have to tell Fei Du that I told you this, or else he's never going to let me hear the end of it.
[ she didn't get to ruin things in the way that she had planned - so she'll just ruin them now, like this. ]
[HELP THIS STARTLES HER INTO LAUGHING it's just a little giggle and it's not over the top or anything but she does absolutely laugh.]
I am going to snap him in two, is what I'm going to do. [busybody!!!! but it's said in that sort of fond way. that's her blorbo.] I will tell him that his meddling allowed for you to tell me what you wanted.
[because shenhe was so sure that nahri was going to just - go back, and that nothing could change her mind, and so... this was nice. this feels so much better. it makes her so much more ready to face the day.
He can be good for some things. [ he's an absolute menace is what he is, but sadly he does deserve some credit, otherwise nahri would have never said anything, and she would have left to go be miserable by herself, expecting it to be the best choice she could have made - even after everything.
she can't help but grin at that blush. ]
Only those? No more?
[ since the worst part of this conversation is over, she feels emboldened. she can tease a little. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w7, wednesday redux
Shenheee! Shenhe, can we talk? Can you hear me?
[ definitely trying to not sound desperate. ]
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Nahri. [...] You're alive.
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I'm alive. I've been pretty hard to kill, historically.
Are you okay? We couldn't reach anyone on that side...
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We're fine. We - watched all of you die. [so that was a little traumatizing, but.] We could see you after time was rewound, though, it's... just good to talk to you.
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I'm happy I get to see you again though. [ there's a pause here, and she takes a moment to just. look at shenhe as best she can, regardless of connection quality. she's not trying to underscore her point, she just really missed her.
and then: ] We should probably... talk about some things... In case anything else like that happens again.
[ because it could happen, and that thought terrifies her, knowing it could be for real next time. ]
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[she says, quietly, to... all of that. to seeing them, to seeing nahri again, and to talking. it could be for real. a pause.]
Then let's talk. [it's kind of all they can do right now.]
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You might want to sit down, wherever you are.
[ nahri can't, however - too anxious - so she starts to pace back and forth. ]
You know that I care about you, right? [ there's already a light blush on her cheeks, though it's not like she's kept how much she cares a secret. ] I care about you a lot, so I need you to listen to me. It's really, really important that you listen, because if you don't, you could get hurt again, and I can't bear the thought of that happening, so just...[ she fumbles, and she has to shake her head, force herself to keep going through with this. ]
I don't know what is going to happen when the game concludes. I assume I'll have to go back to where I was before this. There's... I-- There's a lot going on, civil unrest and violence, and I have to help people. It's my job. I can't leave.
[ as she paces, she's been making a point to not look at shenhe. her own hands, or the ground, just-- anywhere but her. this is so hard. she hates this so much.
but when she finally does, she wants to meet her gaze, and nahri looks utterly miserable. ] I can't ever leave.
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... I know, Nahri. [it's funny - she's been assuming this since she died, since they talked to nightingale, since they put together their plan. she wishes she could touch. she wishes she could take advantage of the time they have left, but.]
I know. You are a good person, and I've always known that you were going to go home. [...] We have the ability to go somewhere else, after all of this.
But I can't leave my home, either. And so if... we aren't allowed to travel back and forth, then that is how it'll have to be.
[it's hard, and it hurts, and she's - her whole body aches with it, but it isn't a surprise, at least.]
... I wish that you would come with me. But I know that's selfish to ask.
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I want to.
[ oh, does she ever. ]
I want a choice. I don't want to go back, Shenhe. I was kidnapped because-- [ she shakes her head. not ready. ]
I was kidnapped, and I was forced to stay, and I'm trapped there. It has nothing to do with me being a good person, I just can't leave because I've already tried, and failed, and others died because of it. That's why there's unrest.
There's an army ready to drag me back if I try again. I would give anything to get away from there, to be free again, to do whatever I wanted and not because I'm expected to, because I have to be responsible for all these things that I don't- I don't even know what all of them are! I just have to do them! [ she rubs her hands over her face. ] I hate it there, Shenhe. This is the first time I've ever had the opportunity to... make friends. And I didn't have to struggle to survive, or get paraded around as an object to be worshiped, I could just... be whatever I wanted.
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What's stopping you from coming with me? The army? They can't reach you in Teyvat. [she watches her.] You are gone already. They can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
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and she felt presumptuous, expecting shenhe to want her there, or to be able to go with her in the first place. maybe this is all a memory of someone else, like those missions they go on, and at the end of it all she'll wake up in her bed with no choice to go to teyvat at all. ]
...I didn't know if it'd work like that. Or what you're facing back home.
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I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving, or stop you from doing something that you need to do. It's the only reason I am not asking you outright to stay with me.
[because - she wants that. she does, she doesn't think she has to be subtle about it.]
At home, it's peaceful. I live in the mountains, but I don't need to stay there. We could go wherever you wanted. And nobody would stop you from being you. You could use whatever magic you wanted, and nobody would look twice.
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You aren't forcing me. [ her pacing has slowed, and for now she stops, wanting to get another good look at her again.
a sad sigh, and she continues: ] In Daevabad, I have to do whatever it is my title says I have to. I spend days in the infirmary trying to heal djinn but no one will train me, they just want to see me fail. I keep getting patients and reprimanded because my progress is slow. My tribe expects me to be a good role model and know all the customs and appear at the Grand Temple so they can do their prayers and rituals. I have to know how the court works because the man I'm marrying will be king some day, and I have to bear his wretched children so my bloodline doesn't die out.
I'm the last divine healer left. No one else can do what I can do. But I don't get a say in how I run my own life, because I'm too important to too many people and it'd be a problem if I had my own choices, instead of being a figure to worship and a tool to be used to keep the people happy.
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If your world does not care to take care of you, why do you care to take care of it? You owe them nothing. [selfish, sure, but. shenhe is the wrong person to ask about being selfless.] I don't understand. They set you up to fail, they show you off so that the people don't rebel, and you'll be forced to breed for a man who doesn't care about you for - what, exactly? To quell rebellion? I fail to see how this is your problem. They will learn to exist without you, like they did before they knew you are who you are.
I want you to come with me. I would be happiest, if you would.
[but. she folds her arms.] But I won't make that choice for you. You can run your own life, Nahri. You are getting that chance, right now.
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for as awful as the game had been, she got to make choices. she got to make friends. she got to finally see how she deserves to be treated, and that other people can like her for her, not her status or title or other superficial bullshit.
she finally got to experience happiness. real happiness, not what she convinced herself was good enough, because it was the best she was going to get. ]
I want to be with you.
[ she doesn't have to think about it. she would be a fool to choose anything else. she is getting a chance, she is getting a choice, and of course she would want happiness over anything else. she wants shenhe to be happy, whatever that was going to mean in the end, but of course she selfishly wants the both of them to be happy, together. ]
That's all I want.
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[simply. it's the only choice that makes sense to her.
she's learned, here, that she can be happy. that she doesn't have to be restricted. that she can feel, and that she doesn't have to be guilty for doing so. it's taken time, it's taken people holding out their hands to her and coaxing her out into the world. wolfwood, who told her weeks ago that she could live without having to apologize for it, has no idea how much that has stuck with her.
shenhe takes a couple steps towards her - around various obstacles on her end, moving around a table, a chair, and then standing in front of nahri, face to face. she can't kiss her. she wants to. but that'll have to wait. for now...]
You can. There are enough points that if we can get this to go right, if we make it through, you can come with me. So come with me.
[she holds out her hands. just - pretend. just pretend to hold, for now.]
I want to be with you, too.
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Then wait for me. We'll finish this, and we can run away together.
[ she has to try to keep things light, as she might start crying otherwise. but this time, it's because she's overwhelmed with good feelings. no despair or torment, only sweet longing. belonging, more like, as she's finally found a place - a person - she can call home. ]
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[she says, firmly, eyes bright and almost glittering.]
I will be with you every step of the way. [god, if she wasn't motivated before, she sure as fuck is now.]
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You owe me a kiss. [ hm. ] Maybe two, now. And--
[ she leans in, looking up into her eyes. ]
You have to tell Fei Du that I told you this, or else he's never going to let me hear the end of it.
[ she didn't get to ruin things in the way that she had planned - so she'll just ruin them now, like this. ]
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I am going to snap him in two, is what I'm going to do. [busybody!!!! but it's said in that sort of fond way. that's her blorbo.] I will tell him that his meddling allowed for you to tell me what you wanted.
[because shenhe was so sure that nahri was going to just - go back, and that nothing could change her mind, and so... this was nice. this feels so much better. it makes her so much more ready to face the day.
also, with a very faint blush:]
I am holding you to those kisses.
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He can be good for some things. [ he's an absolute menace is what he is, but sadly he does deserve some credit, otherwise nahri would have never said anything, and she would have left to go be miserable by herself, expecting it to be the best choice she could have made - even after everything.
she can't help but grin at that blush. ]
Only those? No more?
[ since the worst part of this conversation is over, she feels emboldened. she can tease a little. ]
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Well. [she says, the blush getting a little worse.] I'm not very good at it yet. So practice might be in order.
[ok]
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I liked what I got before. You might be a natural.
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I'd never kissed anybody before you, so that's reassuring.
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But I still liked it. It was nice.
[ beaming!! ]
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