What's stopping you from coming with me? The army? They can't reach you in Teyvat. [she watches her.] You are gone already. They can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
[ it's something she had considered before. but there's guilt at leaving that she doesn't know how to explain. all the expectations and responsibility piled high on top of her that she doesn't want, but trying to take advantage of her position to help those who need it. to learn about herself that she never had access to before.
and she felt presumptuous, expecting shenhe to want her there, or to be able to go with her in the first place. maybe this is all a memory of someone else, like those missions they go on, and at the end of it all she'll wake up in her bed with no choice to go to teyvat at all. ]
...I didn't know if it'd work like that. Or what you're facing back home.
I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving, or stop you from doing something that you need to do. It's the only reason I am not asking you outright to stay with me.
[because - she wants that. she does, she doesn't think she has to be subtle about it.]
At home, it's peaceful. I live in the mountains, but I don't need to stay there. We could go wherever you wanted. And nobody would stop you from being you. You could use whatever magic you wanted, and nobody would look twice.
[ this makes her heart ache. selfish nahri. she meant what she said: she'd give anything to get away. she'd give up all her magic if it meant she could have peace and be with shenhe. ]
You aren't forcing me. [ her pacing has slowed, and for now she stops, wanting to get another good look at her again.
a sad sigh, and she continues: ] In Daevabad, I have to do whatever it is my title says I have to. I spend days in the infirmary trying to heal djinn but no one will train me, they just want to see me fail. I keep getting patients and reprimanded because my progress is slow. My tribe expects me to be a good role model and know all the customs and appear at the Grand Temple so they can do their prayers and rituals. I have to know how the court works because the man I'm marrying will be king some day, and I have to bear his wretched children so my bloodline doesn't die out.
I'm the last divine healer left. No one else can do what I can do. But I don't get a say in how I run my own life, because I'm too important to too many people and it'd be a problem if I had my own choices, instead of being a figure to worship and a tool to be used to keep the people happy.
[she thinks, absently, about what jonas, and vash, and fei du, and so many people have told her over the past few days.]
If your world does not care to take care of you, why do you care to take care of it? You owe them nothing. [selfish, sure, but. shenhe is the wrong person to ask about being selfless.] I don't understand. They set you up to fail, they show you off so that the people don't rebel, and you'll be forced to breed for a man who doesn't care about you for - what, exactly? To quell rebellion? I fail to see how this is your problem. They will learn to exist without you, like they did before they knew you are who you are.
I want you to come with me. I would be happiest, if you would.
[but. she folds her arms.] But I won't make that choice for you. You can run your own life, Nahri. You are getting that chance, right now.
[ she wasn't sure what to expect. maybe part of her expected to run away again, unprepared for what she thought would be the truth - that they could never be together. that part of her wanted shenhe to save her, but not if it meant risk, not if it meant harm, not if it meant having to watch her die under the crushing weight of the karkadann or by the hands of the royal guard and their fiery weapons. she was so used to having her choices taken away, she never considered not going back. she simply accepted it as part of her reality, whether she woke up there after the game ends or she had to be whisked away again past the high brass walls and deposited safely back into her gilded cage.
for as awful as the game had been, she got to make choices. she got to make friends. she got to finally see how she deserves to be treated, and that other people can like her for her, not her status or title or other superficial bullshit.
she finally got to experience happiness. real happiness, not what she convinced herself was good enough, because it was the best she was going to get. ]
I want to be with you.
[ she doesn't have to think about it. she would be a fool to choose anything else. she is getting a chance, she is getting a choice, and of course she would want happiness over anything else. she wants shenhe to be happy, whatever that was going to mean in the end, but of course she selfishly wants the both of them to be happy, together. ]
[simply. it's the only choice that makes sense to her.
she's learned, here, that she can be happy. that she doesn't have to be restricted. that she can feel, and that she doesn't have to be guilty for doing so. it's taken time, it's taken people holding out their hands to her and coaxing her out into the world. wolfwood, who told her weeks ago that she could live without having to apologize for it, has no idea how much that has stuck with her.
shenhe takes a couple steps towards her - around various obstacles on her end, moving around a table, a chair, and then standing in front of nahri, face to face. she can't kiss her. she wants to. but that'll have to wait. for now...]
You can. There are enough points that if we can get this to go right, if we make it through, you can come with me. So come with me.
[she holds out her hands. just - pretend. just pretend to hold, for now.]
[ they can pretend, for now. nahri mimics the gesture, careful to not fully put her hands through shenhe's. but they're touching as much as they can, given their situation. ]
Then wait for me. We'll finish this, and we can run away together.
[ she has to try to keep things light, as she might start crying otherwise. but this time, it's because she's overwhelmed with good feelings. no despair or torment, only sweet longing. belonging, more like, as she's finally found a place - a person - she can call home. ]
[ she can't help but laugh - girlish and giddy. was she really so worried, just minutes ago? is this really happening? she'll have to make sure, once they can be together on the same plane of existence again. ]
You owe me a kiss. [ hm. ] Maybe two, now. And--
[ she leans in, looking up into her eyes. ]
You have to tell Fei Du that I told you this, or else he's never going to let me hear the end of it.
[ she didn't get to ruin things in the way that she had planned - so she'll just ruin them now, like this. ]
[HELP THIS STARTLES HER INTO LAUGHING it's just a little giggle and it's not over the top or anything but she does absolutely laugh.]
I am going to snap him in two, is what I'm going to do. [busybody!!!! but it's said in that sort of fond way. that's her blorbo.] I will tell him that his meddling allowed for you to tell me what you wanted.
[because shenhe was so sure that nahri was going to just - go back, and that nothing could change her mind, and so... this was nice. this feels so much better. it makes her so much more ready to face the day.
He can be good for some things. [ he's an absolute menace is what he is, but sadly he does deserve some credit, otherwise nahri would have never said anything, and she would have left to go be miserable by herself, expecting it to be the best choice she could have made - even after everything.
she can't help but grin at that blush. ]
Only those? No more?
[ since the worst part of this conversation is over, she feels emboldened. she can tease a little. ]
You mean after leaving? [ she's so ready to peace out, now that she can look forward to something that isn't suffering. ] Or before that? I figure we'll say goodbye to everyone. We don't actually have to run away.
Yes. I do intend to say goodbye to people. I'd like to offer Teyvat to Alex and Jonas. Vash, Wolfwood and Livio, too, but I doubt they'll accept. [which she's annoyed about but. it's fine.]
I think the gesture is more important than the result. [ because, yeah, even if they decline, it's just another way for shenhe to show how much she cares about the people here, and nahri thinks that is very dear and wholesome. although she also understands wanting a better life for those people, too. ]
As for Teyvat... eat, probably. The food here isn't very good.
Oh - yes. I want to take you to Xiangling's restaurant. You'll like the food there. Kaveh promised that he would find me food in Sumeru as well. [a beat.] We will have to find someone who can make milkshakes.
I get the feeling there won't be milkshakes in Sumeru either. [ not like she knows anything of sumeru but. it really is just a feeling. ]
Though I guess we'll have the time to find these things.
[ and that's something she'll have to grapple with when it happens: that they have time. it isn't a weekly schedule, or a loop, or a curated routine she has to go through the motions of. the days won't drag and blend together like when she was simply trying to survive. it's something to look forward to, but limitless.
Yes. [she agrees, with a smile.] ... We'll have plenty of time.
I haven't seen so much of Teyvat. I'd like to see it with you. [besides she has to run away from cloud retainer anyway because like fuck is she putting her red ropes back on.]
Traveling isn't so bad when you can take it leisurely. I even know how to camp and build fires. [ not like they are especially challenging tasks but, she had to do these things the normie way and this is the best flex she's got.
although that does rattle another thought around in her brain: ]
I wonder if I'll get my magic back, or if I'm stuck like this forever.
[she's going to comment on the fires, but the question distracts her. she thinks about it, and then:]
We have our Visions. The Traveler can use the elements while she's in our world, too, and she came from somewhere else entirely. I don't see why you wouldn't be able to use yours, or even attune to ours, if you wanted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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What's stopping you from coming with me? The army? They can't reach you in Teyvat. [she watches her.] You are gone already. They can't force you to do anything that you don't want to do.
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and she felt presumptuous, expecting shenhe to want her there, or to be able to go with her in the first place. maybe this is all a memory of someone else, like those missions they go on, and at the end of it all she'll wake up in her bed with no choice to go to teyvat at all. ]
...I didn't know if it'd work like that. Or what you're facing back home.
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I don't want to force you. I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving, or stop you from doing something that you need to do. It's the only reason I am not asking you outright to stay with me.
[because - she wants that. she does, she doesn't think she has to be subtle about it.]
At home, it's peaceful. I live in the mountains, but I don't need to stay there. We could go wherever you wanted. And nobody would stop you from being you. You could use whatever magic you wanted, and nobody would look twice.
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You aren't forcing me. [ her pacing has slowed, and for now she stops, wanting to get another good look at her again.
a sad sigh, and she continues: ] In Daevabad, I have to do whatever it is my title says I have to. I spend days in the infirmary trying to heal djinn but no one will train me, they just want to see me fail. I keep getting patients and reprimanded because my progress is slow. My tribe expects me to be a good role model and know all the customs and appear at the Grand Temple so they can do their prayers and rituals. I have to know how the court works because the man I'm marrying will be king some day, and I have to bear his wretched children so my bloodline doesn't die out.
I'm the last divine healer left. No one else can do what I can do. But I don't get a say in how I run my own life, because I'm too important to too many people and it'd be a problem if I had my own choices, instead of being a figure to worship and a tool to be used to keep the people happy.
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If your world does not care to take care of you, why do you care to take care of it? You owe them nothing. [selfish, sure, but. shenhe is the wrong person to ask about being selfless.] I don't understand. They set you up to fail, they show you off so that the people don't rebel, and you'll be forced to breed for a man who doesn't care about you for - what, exactly? To quell rebellion? I fail to see how this is your problem. They will learn to exist without you, like they did before they knew you are who you are.
I want you to come with me. I would be happiest, if you would.
[but. she folds her arms.] But I won't make that choice for you. You can run your own life, Nahri. You are getting that chance, right now.
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for as awful as the game had been, she got to make choices. she got to make friends. she got to finally see how she deserves to be treated, and that other people can like her for her, not her status or title or other superficial bullshit.
she finally got to experience happiness. real happiness, not what she convinced herself was good enough, because it was the best she was going to get. ]
I want to be with you.
[ she doesn't have to think about it. she would be a fool to choose anything else. she is getting a chance, she is getting a choice, and of course she would want happiness over anything else. she wants shenhe to be happy, whatever that was going to mean in the end, but of course she selfishly wants the both of them to be happy, together. ]
That's all I want.
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[simply. it's the only choice that makes sense to her.
she's learned, here, that she can be happy. that she doesn't have to be restricted. that she can feel, and that she doesn't have to be guilty for doing so. it's taken time, it's taken people holding out their hands to her and coaxing her out into the world. wolfwood, who told her weeks ago that she could live without having to apologize for it, has no idea how much that has stuck with her.
shenhe takes a couple steps towards her - around various obstacles on her end, moving around a table, a chair, and then standing in front of nahri, face to face. she can't kiss her. she wants to. but that'll have to wait. for now...]
You can. There are enough points that if we can get this to go right, if we make it through, you can come with me. So come with me.
[she holds out her hands. just - pretend. just pretend to hold, for now.]
I want to be with you, too.
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Then wait for me. We'll finish this, and we can run away together.
[ she has to try to keep things light, as she might start crying otherwise. but this time, it's because she's overwhelmed with good feelings. no despair or torment, only sweet longing. belonging, more like, as she's finally found a place - a person - she can call home. ]
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[she says, firmly, eyes bright and almost glittering.]
I will be with you every step of the way. [god, if she wasn't motivated before, she sure as fuck is now.]
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You owe me a kiss. [ hm. ] Maybe two, now. And--
[ she leans in, looking up into her eyes. ]
You have to tell Fei Du that I told you this, or else he's never going to let me hear the end of it.
[ she didn't get to ruin things in the way that she had planned - so she'll just ruin them now, like this. ]
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I am going to snap him in two, is what I'm going to do. [busybody!!!! but it's said in that sort of fond way. that's her blorbo.] I will tell him that his meddling allowed for you to tell me what you wanted.
[because shenhe was so sure that nahri was going to just - go back, and that nothing could change her mind, and so... this was nice. this feels so much better. it makes her so much more ready to face the day.
also, with a very faint blush:]
I am holding you to those kisses.
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He can be good for some things. [ he's an absolute menace is what he is, but sadly he does deserve some credit, otherwise nahri would have never said anything, and she would have left to go be miserable by herself, expecting it to be the best choice she could have made - even after everything.
she can't help but grin at that blush. ]
Only those? No more?
[ since the worst part of this conversation is over, she feels emboldened. she can tease a little. ]
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Well. [she says, the blush getting a little worse.] I'm not very good at it yet. So practice might be in order.
[ok]
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I liked what I got before. You might be a natural.
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I'd never kissed anybody before you, so that's reassuring.
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But I still liked it. It was nice.
[ beaming!! ]
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[it was like, more than just nice, but she's already embarrassed so]
... What do you want to do first? If it all works out. [she almost doesn't ask, because she's afraid to jinx it, but.]
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You mean after leaving? [ she's so ready to peace out, now that she can look forward to something that isn't suffering. ] Or before that? I figure we'll say goodbye to everyone. We don't actually have to run away.
[ still at it with the lame jokes ]
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Yes. I do intend to say goodbye to people. I'd like to offer Teyvat to Alex and Jonas. Vash, Wolfwood and Livio, too, but I doubt they'll accept. [which she's annoyed about but. it's fine.]
I meant when we get to Teyvat.
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As for Teyvat... eat, probably. The food here isn't very good.
Except for the milkshakes. I like those.
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Oh - yes. I want to take you to Xiangling's restaurant. You'll like the food there. Kaveh promised that he would find me food in Sumeru as well. [a beat.] We will have to find someone who can make milkshakes.
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Though I guess we'll have the time to find these things.
[ and that's something she'll have to grapple with when it happens: that they have time. it isn't a weekly schedule, or a loop, or a curated routine she has to go through the motions of. the days won't drag and blend together like when she was simply trying to survive. it's something to look forward to, but limitless.
it's exciting. ]
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I haven't seen so much of Teyvat. I'd like to see it with you. [besides she has to run away from cloud retainer anyway because like fuck is she putting her red ropes back on.]
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although that does rattle another thought around in her brain: ]
I wonder if I'll get my magic back, or if I'm stuck like this forever.
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We have our Visions. The Traveler can use the elements while she's in our world, too, and she came from somewhere else entirely. I don't see why you wouldn't be able to use yours, or even attune to ours, if you wanted.