[ oh the vibes are rancid. nahri didn't even look, but she knows. she could hear what was happening, and she could feel what was happening to shenhe.
there's nothing inside her now. it's cold, and vacant - shock, more like, not quite a void. she hates that she understands the intimate grief of loss like this. ]
Shenhe...
[ she's too extroverted to stay away. maybe she should. then again, she'll keep throwing herself in the fire every single week if it means that she could help someone. if it means that she can maintain this bond. ]
[this time she isn't angry. this time she's just quiet.
the thing is - she hasn't lost a lot of people. she's been left behind. she knows that. she left others behind. she knows what it's like to be alone, and it suited her fine. but then - she met the traveler, and then she met the others, after that, and then she made it here and she found people who understand her heart, and they're gone. they're just gone, and she has to keep going.
two in one.
this time, she's standing somewhere, it doesn't matter - and she's trying so desperately to cry, or do anything at all, but it won't happen. it doesn't happen. she doesn't know how to cry anymore. she hasn't since she was a little girl.
she's scared. she could lose this, too, and then what.]
[ they can sit on the ground. it doesn't matter. just like where they are doesn't matter. she hates that she never knows what to say, and things just keep getting worse. there isn't a magic phrase, or magic anything, that can instantly pull shenhe out of these feelings. and just like last night, well. she deserves to grieve. she deserves to feel and process these emotions, no matter how fucking awful they are. it's all that she has left, from the abrupt and violent losses from today.
she reaches out to brush her hands against shenhe's, in case she needs a little prompting. she understands. she really does. she isn't going to push. ]
i joked about the disassociation earlier but she is doing that a little - she keeps coming in and out. she didn't get to say goodbye and she keeps thinking about it. the way that rang turned to them. the way rang grew up just like her. the way matsuri said he would try. the way he didn't get the chance.
she sits, when nahri asks her. and that burning, painful sensation of wanting to cry but being unable to just gets worse.
she takes nahri's hand and laces their fingers together. she thinks she can just let nahri do whatever she wants with her, right now.]
[ they sit. they hold hands. it's becoming an automatic response to each traumatic event this godforsaken place throws at them, but it doesn't get any less comforting. it's like a tether holding her here. though she knows it's tenuous, she knows it can be ripped from her at any moment, just like--
no. she pushes those thoughts down. pushes those feelings down. the despair tries to force its way through, and she'll keep stubbornly trying to push it away. she would rather feel nothing.
she'll sit here until the end of time, waiting for shenhe to cry. it makes her heart ache. if nothing else, just let her have the smallest amount of catharsis. she wishes she could will the universe: let shenhe have this. let her have something. ]
[she doesn't. she can't make herself do it. the tears don't come, and she just eventually fades into something miserable and pained. she misses them already.
it's the future that hurts the most out of it. thinking - i'll tell him this tomorrow, or i'll give him that when i see him next, and then the memory that no. no, that won't happen. she keeps having to remind herself that she can't arrange flowers with matsui again.
[ it feels like her heart is going to rend itself apart. the familiarity of her pain makes nahri want to cry in her stead, though somehow she's still keeping together fairly well. it probably won't last much longer. ]
It's going to hurt for a while.
[ there's nothing she can say about protecting them. they're gone. and in this state, everything is going to hurt. the helplessness is going to hurt. platitudes would just be an insult. ]
Then we can leave him flowers. Let's go on a walk in the morning and you can pick some for him. [...] And I need to apologize to Rang.
[ she reluctantly pulls her hand from shenhe's, but that's only so she can shift against her more comfortably. she offers her the opposite hand so she can more easily play with her hair and hand hold. ]
[that works for her. she takes the other hand, and closes her eyes, leaning into the way that nahri brushes through her hair. deep breath. okay. they can collect flowers in the morning.]
... He told me you scolded him. [her thoughts are disjointed, but she remembers that.]
Lying about what? [the stutter-stop of her emotions eases up a little just because she's a little fond, and even if it's about rang - it's... she's finding she likes it when nahri blushes.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w2, sunday
there's nothing inside her now. it's cold, and vacant - shock, more like, not quite a void. she hates that she understands the intimate grief of loss like this. ]
Shenhe...
[ she's too extroverted to stay away. maybe she should. then again, she'll keep throwing herself in the fire every single week if it means that she could help someone. if it means that she can maintain this bond. ]
no subject
the thing is - she hasn't lost a lot of people. she's been left behind. she knows that. she left others behind. she knows what it's like to be alone, and it suited her fine. but then - she met the traveler, and then she met the others, after that, and then she made it here and she found people who understand her heart, and they're gone. they're just gone, and she has to keep going.
two in one.
this time, she's standing somewhere, it doesn't matter - and she's trying so desperately to cry, or do anything at all, but it won't happen. it doesn't happen. she doesn't know how to cry anymore. she hasn't since she was a little girl.
she's scared. she could lose this, too, and then what.]
no subject
[ they can sit on the ground. it doesn't matter. just like where they are doesn't matter. she hates that she never knows what to say, and things just keep getting worse. there isn't a magic phrase, or magic anything, that can instantly pull shenhe out of these feelings. and just like last night, well. she deserves to grieve. she deserves to feel and process these emotions, no matter how fucking awful they are. it's all that she has left, from the abrupt and violent losses from today.
she reaches out to brush her hands against shenhe's, in case she needs a little prompting. she understands. she really does. she isn't going to push. ]
no subject
i joked about the disassociation earlier but she is doing that a little - she keeps coming in and out. she didn't get to say goodbye and she keeps thinking about it. the way that rang turned to them. the way rang grew up just like her. the way matsuri said he would try. the way he didn't get the chance.
she sits, when nahri asks her. and that burning, painful sensation of wanting to cry but being unable to just gets worse.
she takes nahri's hand and laces their fingers together. she thinks she can just let nahri do whatever she wants with her, right now.]
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no. she pushes those thoughts down. pushes those feelings down. the despair tries to force its way through, and she'll keep stubbornly trying to push it away. she would rather feel nothing.
she'll sit here until the end of time, waiting for shenhe to cry. it makes her heart ache. if nothing else, just let her have the smallest amount of catharsis. she wishes she could will the universe: let shenhe have this. let her have something. ]
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it's the future that hurts the most out of it. thinking - i'll tell him this tomorrow, or i'll give him that when i see him next, and then the memory that no. no, that won't happen. she keeps having to remind herself that she can't arrange flowers with matsui again.
she pulls nahri a little closer, exhaling slow.]
I can't protect them.
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It's going to hurt for a while.
[ there's nothing she can say about protecting them. they're gone. and in this state, everything is going to hurt. the helplessness is going to hurt. platitudes would just be an insult. ]
We can honor them tomorrow, if you would like.
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... Alright. [she says, after a moment.] I'd like to. I... Matsui left flowers, before.
[she's kind of stutter-stopping, here. there's only so much she can feel before she starts to falter under the weight of it.]
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[ she reluctantly pulls her hand from shenhe's, but that's only so she can shift against her more comfortably. she offers her the opposite hand so she can more easily play with her hair and hand hold. ]
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... He told me you scolded him. [her thoughts are disjointed, but she remembers that.]
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It was a little harsher than that.
[ and now she just feels ashamed. ] It was my fault. It was stupid.
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... Thank you. You were concerned about me.
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[ well. now her face is red. she wants to protest, but she can't exactly protest about her concern, because it is true. ]
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Lying about what? [the stutter-stop of her emotions eases up a little just because she's a little fond, and even if it's about rang - it's... she's finding she likes it when nahri blushes.]
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About not being bothered. Even if he acted that way... look, I'm not a stranger to lying. Foxes and djinn aren't that different.
But that's something I'll take up with him tomorrow.
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she shifts, turning her face to press her nose against nahri's jaw. just for a moment.]
I think that he was bothered because he didn't realize that I preferred to lack emotion. [there's a little bit of soothing, there.] I told him.
[a pause.] We can gather flowers for him as well.
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I hope he likes them. Though it's not like we're not giving him much choice.
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He will like them or else. [shenhe please]
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Well, it's all that he's getting. I only need to apologize once...
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... Tomorrow. [she says, after a moment. she's fine doing all of that tomorrow. for now:] I'd like to go back to the warehouse. Would you?
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You should get some rest.