[a whole entire tree is on fire, when she finds shenhe, and shenhe is like. not stopping. she's just going to destroy this entire park.
sometimes, fire feels better. she's had ice her whole life, she's been a statue, and to make the switch into something furious, something that burns instead of freezes, has been almost a novelty. she can see the effect she leaves on the world like this.
remember me, buzen had said. i was just telling the truth, fei du said.
she burns until she's too tired to stand, and then she just. sits, abruptly, her emotions haywire. her ropes aren't working. she thinks her ropes aren't working anymore. or maybe they never were, and she's just realizing now. she doesn't know.]
[ there's bile rising in the back of her throat, but she forces herself to swallow. there's the cryo psych she decided to borrow, but she doesn't know how to use it. she doesn't know if she could do anything about the tree. and she also doesn't know if that would even help anything in the long run- what's one tree in comparison to a person?
when shenhe sits, nahri runs to her. she practically throws herself on her hands and knees to better wrap her arms around shenhe's shoulders. it's clumsy at best. she doesn't care. she wasn't going to interfere, and indeed, there are no soothing emotions present. it's not like she couldn't be thrown off - she barely weighs anything.
but she would never forgive herself if something happened - if shenhe got hurt (more hurt) - and she didn't act. ]
[it startles her, and for a second, she freezes in place, because the instinct is always to throw, to hurt, to ruin. not this. not here. not with her. the whole point of locking her emotions away was so she wouldn't hurt someone.
nahri wraps her arms around shenhe's shoulders, and shenhe sucks in a sharp breath, and holds it. counts to ten.
and then very, very carefully, she rests her head against nahri's arm. all the fight drains out of her.]
[ she gives her a brief squeeze. she's trembling a little from nerves, and her emotions reflect as such: shaky, stressed. even with shenhe losing some of her fightyness, nahri can't quite calm down enough to match. she's here, though, and shenhe's here, and that's what she wants to focus on. ]
[it's just - a whirlwind. she shouldn't be feeling this much. it's dangerous. she's angry, it's volcanic, it's threatening to crawl out of her mouth and into the air. she's upset. she's worried, and that's the worst part, that's the part that's killing her, because she's never had so much to lose.
everything in her turns to anger. sometimes it makes her tired.]
[ she wishes he could take that anger into herself. pull it out of shenhe's heart so she wouldn't have to feel it anymore.
She sighs. ]
I know. I wish there was a way to undo it.
[ it's unfair. and if it wasn't going to be obvious, she'd track down every person capable and grill them until they admitted who did this to her. how could they? how could they know her so little that they thought it was the right thing to do? they didn't even ask.
unless they wanted to hurt her, which is a thought she doesn't dwell on. this group doesn't seem the type to pull something like that. it's more the short-sighted sort of 'help' that works for one person, but not the next. would it have killed them to ask? the lack of choice really gets under her skin, but. this isn't about her. ]
I'll do this every week if I have to. As long as you want to.
[she'd watched, as everybody had made the decision for her. as they'd made the decision for matsui.
It feels a little bit like they're saying he's not allowed to grieve. Or that it's an inconvenience for him to do so in public. she's still thinking about that. about how that wasn't the case at all, how she thought - no, it isn't grieving, it's self destruction, and how she knows so intimately what that's like. how she would've been relieved to be away from it for a while.
they didn't ask. and she knows they did it to help, but she wonders if that's just a mortal thing. to think they know best, and continue that way.
shenhe curls a little closer.]
I'll be alright next week. [she says, after a moment.] As long as we don't feel each other's emotions.
[the anger, on shenhe's side, is starting to fade. she's just miserable instead.]
I think... that would be worse. [she absolutely does not want a single person to hear her thoughts. they are bad. and if what she thinks might happen tomorrow happens, they'll be worse.]
[ that is something she can say for certain. you don't make it as a little street rat by thinking happy thoughts and being nice. ]
...No matter what, we're still a team.
[ the affirmation feels necessary. no matter how dark or heinous those thoughts are - should this hypothetical become reality - she she won't drop this team for anything. ]
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sometimes, fire feels better. she's had ice her whole life, she's been a statue, and to make the switch into something furious, something that burns instead of freezes, has been almost a novelty. she can see the effect she leaves on the world like this.
remember me, buzen had said. i was just telling the truth, fei du said.
she burns until she's too tired to stand, and then she just. sits, abruptly, her emotions haywire. her ropes aren't working. she thinks her ropes aren't working anymore. or maybe they never were, and she's just realizing now. she doesn't know.]
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when shenhe sits, nahri runs to her. she practically throws herself on her hands and knees to better wrap her arms around shenhe's shoulders. it's clumsy at best. she doesn't care. she wasn't going to interfere, and indeed, there are no soothing emotions present. it's not like she couldn't be thrown off - she barely weighs anything.
but she would never forgive herself if something happened - if shenhe got hurt (more hurt) - and she didn't act. ]
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nahri wraps her arms around shenhe's shoulders, and shenhe sucks in a sharp breath, and holds it. counts to ten.
and then very, very carefully, she rests her head against nahri's arm. all the fight drains out of her.]
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I know it hurts. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Shenhe.
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everything in her turns to anger. sometimes it makes her tired.]
It was healed. [she mutters.] What a waste.
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She sighs. ]
I know. I wish there was a way to undo it.
[ it's unfair. and if it wasn't going to be obvious, she'd track down every person capable and grill them until they admitted who did this to her. how could they? how could they know her so little that they thought it was the right thing to do? they didn't even ask.
unless they wanted to hurt her, which is a thought she doesn't dwell on. this group doesn't seem the type to pull something like that. it's more the short-sighted sort of 'help' that works for one person, but not the next. would it have killed them to ask? the lack of choice really gets under her skin, but. this isn't about her. ]
I'll do this every week if I have to. As long as you want to.
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It feels a little bit like they're saying he's not allowed to grieve. Or that it's an inconvenience for him to do so in public. she's still thinking about that. about how that wasn't the case at all, how she thought - no, it isn't grieving, it's self destruction, and how she knows so intimately what that's like. how she would've been relieved to be away from it for a while.
they didn't ask. and she knows they did it to help, but she wonders if that's just a mortal thing. to think they know best, and continue that way.
shenhe curls a little closer.]
I'll be alright next week. [she says, after a moment.] As long as we don't feel each other's emotions.
... Thank you, Nahri.
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I can only hope that we're so lucky, and we don't have to share our thoughts instead.
[ her emotions aren't exactly a secret, so it doesn't bother as much - even when she's still feeling the thrum of anxiety and dull burn of anger. ]
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I think... that would be worse. [she absolutely does not want a single person to hear her thoughts. they are bad. and if what she thinks might happen tomorrow happens, they'll be worse.]
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[ that is something she can say for certain. you don't make it as a little street rat by thinking happy thoughts and being nice. ]
...No matter what, we're still a team.
[ the affirmation feels necessary. no matter how dark or heinous those thoughts are - should this hypothetical become reality - she she won't drop this team for anything. ]
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Yes. [... they're still a team. she rests her head against nahri's shoulder.] But I don't only care for our team.
[which is part of the problem, she guesses.]
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I know. [ she can barely get the words out. ]
And I know you're going to protect them too.
[ for a second, it sounded like she was going to say something else, like her words got a false start, but she doesn't say anything else. ]
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I'd like to. [she says, quietly.] But I know that I won't be able to.
[she knows what's realistic. she knows what the end to all of this is.]
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so she strokes shenhe's hair for a moment while she thinks. ]
Have you thought about teaching anyone how to protect themselves? Or... fight?