Well... you didn't. You were trying to help me, and - [ he pauses, for a moment, enough to still where she's hugging him, and winces. ] ... I didn't let you?
[
idiot ]
It was... I wasn't myself. I didn't remember anything about being here. I had magic powers.
[ she may pick! there's probably a little bit of blood fleck, but he doesn't notice. it's all very nice, fine fabric, silk and velvet, with delicate embroidery of moons and stars, golden stuns stitched in here and there.
...fei du frowns, though, recalling. it's fuzzy - the memories are fuzzier than they should be, and he almost says nothing. ]
[ weh... cute... this is a great way to distract him from a slightly concerning trail of thoughts, and he will allow it, scooting forward a little more to give her access to his hair if he wants it. ]
...It was a fairy tale - the legend of Chang'e, and the legend of Hou Yi, but they were combined together. The story goes initially that the gods put ten suns over the world, and it should have burned and killed all of humanity, but a great archer named Hou Yi shot down nine of them and left one in the sky.
[ as he talks, he lifts a hand, and then absently rubs it against his chest, thoughtful and frowning down at his lap. he doesn't seem like, horrifically traumatized, at least, just thoughtful. maybe not quite there. ]
Chang'e... Chang'e was Hou Yi's wife, who... [ ... he trails off, there, frowning. ] ... stole an elixir of immortality, from Hou Yi, and ascended to the sky to become the goddess of the moon. That... wasn't how it went, though.
[he doesn't have as much of it, but she's happy to comb his hair, gently and rhythmically. it's more symbolic than it is for any function. she's watching him to make sure that he doesn't flip out.]
there's something detached about telling the story like this - maybe because he's removing himself from the situation, or...maybe from something else, entirely. like it really wasn't a story that belonged to him.
fei du 's voice gets a little softer, as he tells it. ]
... Chang'e was sent down from the heavens by the jade emperor after Hou Yi shot down the suns with his bow and arrow, not as the moon, but as an envoy. Chang'e's job was to seduce Hou Yi and gather enough light to create a second sun, and then send it up to destroy his kingdom and kill the archer in vengeance.
But Chang'e didn't. Chang'e gathered the light from the second sun, and tricked the archer into taking an immortality elixir, so he wouldn't die, in case the jade emperor tried to wreak havoc after his plan was through. And then, he took the gathered light, and he brought up to the sky and became the moon, instead.
[ ....so. in this fairytale life, he sacrificed himself, for the archer. ]
for the first time, he reacts, with a sharp exhale, and his shoulders go tense. ]
... He wasn't angry. He was hurt. In the story, I was... it was up there for a thousand years. When I fell - Wenzhou had lived that entire time. Alone.
[ alone. a thousand years, he suffered. he never moved on. a thousand miserable, painful years. the way that version of luo wenzhou looked at him is still sticking in his heart, like rot, the guilt so heavy it feels like a stone in his chest. ]
The reason I fell is because he shot me down from the sky to try and get me back.
[well i'm not going to lie to you the first thing that shenhe thinks is good.
for her - angry, and hurt, are the same thing. this is splitting hairs, to her. she thinks - good, that he was hurt, not because he was, but because maybe the guilt of it will make fei du think.]
Interesting. It's almost as if he loves you as much as you love him. [she says flatly.]
[ HELP DON'T SHAME HIM he winces a little when shenhe says that, but he doesn't fight it, either.
there is a pause, though. he considers continuing his story, instead, because there's more to tell, but he stops, there, pressing his lips together in a line. ]
... I've never doubted that he loves me. [ it's not luo wenzhou, who's the problem. it's in moments like these that fei du is a little cagey, that he's hesitant to approach his own emotions, that pulling the lid off that box is a dangerous path into a self-made abyss.
i just thought he deserves better. i just think he'd be better off without me. it's less dangerous. i can't love him right. i don't know how to. every part of me is so rotten. ]
I did that to him. Despair turned him into a tyrant. He was miserable.
[she is not... really wise enough for this, she doesn't know the right words, or the right way to say things, but. she'll try.]
He was miserable because he chose you, and you thought you knew better, and ripped yourself away from him. [a pause, and then she starts to comb his hair again, easy. rhythmic.]
He chose to love you on purpose. [she thinks about - the traveler, about lumine, who never hesitated to throw herself into danger for shenhe, and how much it scared her to not be able to give back. about nahri, who kissed her and danced with her and made her laugh, who chose to do that despite everything about shenhe that shenhe finds unlovable, incapable.
when someone chooses you like that, it's almost a disservice to pull away.]
it's funny. wenzhou's said that to him. you're worth everything, you idiot, after he'd grabbed him and caught him the saturday he tried to take the blame, for libby. when he woke up on thursday last week, fei du knew he wasn't going to fight back, and he knew how bad it would hurt him. it was logical. it was the right decision to make. he died easily. he died and left, and life should have been easier for wenzhou, he's walking into his death at home and it'll end the case once and for all, and it was -
... he's thankful, in some ways, that he wasn't here for the trial itself, that he never had to see luo wenzhou's reaction.
fei du's heart hurts, and he knows why, now. there's a hole there, metaphorical and maybe even physical. that part still feels blurry. and for the first time, when he speaks, his voice is a little rough. honest. just two little words from behind a sluice gate. ]
... I know. [ he knows. luo wenzhou chose him, despite every flaw, despite every rotten part of him. despite how little he deserves it, the light shone in and took him by the hands, and pulled him out of the darkness, even when he scrabbled at the wall and tried to stay in. ]
He always does. [ no matter what. and fei du was an idiot, for trying to squander it away. he knows that, now - even more starkly than he knew before. ]
[she shifts, after a moment, and then puts the comb down, and slides her arms around him again, hugging him from behind. solid, warm, steady.]
I understand. [she says, closing her eyes.] I don't know that it's possible for someone to love me, either. But I try to believe it.
[because they owe it to the people choosing them to try.]
I care about you as well. [not in the same way, obviously, but. the way he treated her after she came stumbling off the beach back into the UG made her loyal to him for the rest of his or her life. whether he cares about her back or not.]
[ it's funny. these easy affections are the kind of thing he's starting to finally get used to. for someone who's been hugged like this many, many times, when it means something, it really means something. fei du takes those words and lets them sink in; maybe he can't think it's possible, but he can try.
he feels a little wrung out, after his harrowing adventure, and he leans back into the hug, letting his eyes close. he's been more honest here, in death, and if there's anyone in this entire place that has earned his care, his honesty, in return, it's shenhe. ]
I care about you, too. [ quietly, definitively.
he lets silence fall, for a moment, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. like this, it's obvious - such a thin chest. such a heavy heart. ] ... You were there. [ with a quiet huff of a laugh. ] You're going to scold me.
she can see it, in the way that matsui and buzen speak to her, the way rang is a little softer with her, the way rin smiles at her. but to hear it in words, simple and honest, makes her feel a little less desperately lonely. she hugs him a little closer, closing her eyes. she can't cry anymore. the tears don't happen. which means the blood doesn't happen either, so that's good.
but... still. she wishes she could, maybe. it felt nice to let it happen.
as for the rest, she opens her eyes just to roll them.]
[ it feels kind of good to get all of the stupid things out. what he remembers of his adventure was mostly just mistakes and terrible, costly, self-destructive decisions, like the decisions he makes almost every day of his life. the only time he ever has started to get better is when he's smacked over the head with that reminder - that people care about him, and love him, and because of that, he needs to try and grow. it feels good to be scolded, because it comes from a place of love and kindness. it's something he's never had, before.
he lets shenhe stay close, and tilts his head back, resting his head on her shoulder. ]
I didn't remember about the arrow I was shot down with, at first. In the first story, Chang'e... I died. And in the space in between, I ran into you. You were a bird stuck in a trap, though, and I freed you from it.
[ which, like. his worry about touching small animals never quite goes away. his hands have always been gentler than he's ever allowed himself to think, though, and they were gentle here, too. ]
You offered to free me from a trap I was stuck in in exchange, and tried to pull the arrow out, but I didn't know it was there, and I denied you. I didn't know who you were. And - I thought...
[ he thought it was something else. he thought it was the memory of luo wenzhou at all, thought it was the painful emotions he'd earned the ability to feel, thought - that he deserved it, really, that horrible, aching pain that never quite went away. he didn't trust it. he should have. it was a stupid, self destructive mistake - to not trust the person trying to help you, and to just get worse. ]
[she keeps her arms around him, happy when he tilts back a bit. it's nice, to have someone react to her touch like this. like they're comforted.
also oh nooOOO i didn't know the gentle hands line had to do with shenhe... a bird stuck in a trap, huh. she can see the symbolism in that, she supposes.]
You have resisted my offer to help often. [she says, but it's only a little annoyed. it comes from a good place.] It is the thing that bothers me most about you.
[ yeah she's so right. he winces a little, but after a measured moment of calm. ]
...I thought you might be trying to pull the emotions from me, or take my heart altogether. I didn't know it was you, and I didn't know about the arrow.
[ ... ]
But I couldn't let it go. It was hurting, but I thought that was fine. [ deserved, really. ] I decided I wanted to hurt.
You shouldn't. [still annoyed!!] I've seen what has made you and if anything, I think it makes you deserving of something soft.
[but like. she knows. she knows what it's like to want to hurt. so she can't scold him too badly, because the red ropes were for her own safety as much as everybody else's.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hello. [she says, quietly, holding the back of his fancy outfit.] I'm here. You can hear, see, and feel me.
[have your coping practices back.]
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You are. [ he says - it comes with a very, very soft laugh, and he tilts his head a little, enough to bonk his forehead against her shoulder.
and after a long pause: ]
...It was Gerard and Ylfa's, I think. One like the one you went on. [ ... ] I'm alright.
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... You said that I stopped something. [she thinks. she wasn't paying a lot of attention because she was distressed.] What happened?
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Well... you didn't. You were trying to help me, and - [ he pauses, for a moment, enough to still where she's hugging him, and winces. ] ... I didn't let you?
[
idiot ]
It was... I wasn't myself. I didn't remember anything about being here. I had magic powers.
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she doesn't let go for another couple of seconds, but when he continues, she finally pulls back.]
What sort of magic powers? [fusses at him, picking at his clothes.]
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...fei du frowns, though, recalling. it's fuzzy - the memories are fuzzier than they should be, and he almost says nothing. ]
...I was the moon.
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[she tucks his hair behind his ear. actually, hold on. she digs around in her pockets and then sits him down, and pulls out her comb.]
Tell me.
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...It was a fairy tale - the legend of Chang'e, and the legend of Hou Yi, but they were combined together. The story goes initially that the gods put ten suns over the world, and it should have burned and killed all of humanity, but a great archer named Hou Yi shot down nine of them and left one in the sky.
[ as he talks, he lifts a hand, and then absently rubs it against his chest, thoughtful and frowning down at his lap. he doesn't seem like, horrifically traumatized, at least, just thoughtful. maybe not quite there. ]
Chang'e... Chang'e was Hou Yi's wife, who... [ ... he trails off, there, frowning. ] ... stole an elixir of immortality, from Hou Yi, and ascended to the sky to become the goddess of the moon. That... wasn't how it went, though.
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How did it go?
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there's something detached about telling the story like this - maybe because he's removing himself from the situation, or...maybe from something else, entirely. like it really wasn't a story that belonged to him.
fei du 's voice gets a little softer, as he tells it. ]
... Chang'e was sent down from the heavens by the jade emperor after Hou Yi shot down the suns with his bow and arrow, not as the moon, but as an envoy. Chang'e's job was to seduce Hou Yi and gather enough light to create a second sun, and then send it up to destroy his kingdom and kill the archer in vengeance.
But Chang'e didn't. Chang'e gathered the light from the second sun, and tricked the archer into taking an immortality elixir, so he wouldn't die, in case the jade emperor tried to wreak havoc after his plan was through. And then, he took the gathered light, and he brought up to the sky and became the moon, instead.
[ ....so. in this fairytale life, he sacrificed himself, for the archer. ]
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Who was the archer? [she's pretty sure she knows? or she has a guess.]
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...You can likely guess.
[ who else, could be the light in fei du's life? ]
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... He would be angry if he knew you gave up your life for him. Even in a story. Just as I would.
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for the first time, he reacts, with a sharp exhale, and his shoulders go tense. ]
... He wasn't angry. He was hurt. In the story, I was... it was up there for a thousand years. When I fell - Wenzhou had lived that entire time. Alone.
[ alone. a thousand years, he suffered. he never moved on. a thousand miserable, painful years. the way that version of luo wenzhou looked at him is still sticking in his heart, like rot, the guilt so heavy it feels like a stone in his chest. ]
The reason I fell is because he shot me down from the sky to try and get me back.
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for her - angry, and hurt, are the same thing. this is splitting hairs, to her. she thinks - good, that he was hurt, not because he was, but because maybe the guilt of it will make fei du think.]
Interesting. It's almost as if he loves you as much as you love him. [she says flatly.]
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there is a pause, though. he considers continuing his story, instead, because there's more to tell, but he stops, there, pressing his lips together in a line. ]
... I've never doubted that he loves me. [ it's not luo wenzhou, who's the problem. it's in moments like these that fei du is a little cagey, that he's hesitant to approach his own emotions, that pulling the lid off that box is a dangerous path into a self-made abyss.
i just thought he deserves better. i just think he'd be better off without me. it's less dangerous. i can't love him right. i don't know how to. every part of me is so rotten. ]
I did that to him. Despair turned him into a tyrant. He was miserable.
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He was miserable because he chose you, and you thought you knew better, and ripped yourself away from him. [a pause, and then she starts to comb his hair again, easy. rhythmic.]
He chose to love you on purpose. [she thinks about - the traveler, about lumine, who never hesitated to throw herself into danger for shenhe, and how much it scared her to not be able to give back. about nahri, who kissed her and danced with her and made her laugh, who chose to do that despite everything about shenhe that shenhe finds unlovable, incapable.
when someone chooses you like that, it's almost a disservice to pull away.]
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it's funny. wenzhou's said that to him. you're worth everything, you idiot, after he'd grabbed him and caught him the saturday he tried to take the blame, for libby. when he woke up on thursday last week, fei du knew he wasn't going to fight back, and he knew how bad it would hurt him. it was logical. it was the right decision to make. he died easily. he died and left, and life should have been easier for wenzhou, he's walking into his death at home and it'll end the case once and for all, and it was -
... he's thankful, in some ways, that he wasn't here for the trial itself, that he never had to see luo wenzhou's reaction.
fei du's heart hurts, and he knows why, now. there's a hole there, metaphorical and maybe even physical. that part still feels blurry. and for the first time, when he speaks, his voice is a little rough. honest. just two little words from behind a sluice gate. ]
... I know. [ he knows. luo wenzhou chose him, despite every flaw, despite every rotten part of him. despite how little he deserves it, the light shone in and took him by the hands, and pulled him out of the darkness, even when he scrabbled at the wall and tried to stay in. ]
He always does. [ no matter what. and fei du was an idiot, for trying to squander it away. he knows that, now - even more starkly than he knew before. ]
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I understand. [she says, closing her eyes.] I don't know that it's possible for someone to love me, either. But I try to believe it.
[because they owe it to the people choosing them to try.]
I care about you as well. [not in the same way, obviously, but. the way he treated her after she came stumbling off the beach back into the UG made her loyal to him for the rest of his or her life. whether he cares about her back or not.]
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he feels a little wrung out, after his harrowing adventure, and he leans back into the hug, letting his eyes close. he's been more honest here, in death, and if there's anyone in this entire place that has earned his care, his honesty, in return, it's shenhe. ]
I care about you, too. [ quietly, definitively.
he lets silence fall, for a moment, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. like this, it's obvious - such a thin chest. such a heavy heart. ] ... You were there. [ with a quiet huff of a laugh. ] You're going to scold me.
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she can see it, in the way that matsui and buzen speak to her, the way rang is a little softer with her, the way rin smiles at her. but to hear it in words, simple and honest, makes her feel a little less desperately lonely. she hugs him a little closer, closing her eyes. she can't cry anymore. the tears don't happen. which means the blood doesn't happen either, so that's good.
but... still. she wishes she could, maybe. it felt nice to let it happen.
as for the rest, she opens her eyes just to roll them.]
Yes, I'm sure that I will.
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he lets shenhe stay close, and tilts his head back, resting his head on her shoulder. ]
I didn't remember about the arrow I was shot down with, at first. In the first story, Chang'e... I died. And in the space in between, I ran into you. You were a bird stuck in a trap, though, and I freed you from it.
[ which, like. his worry about touching small animals never quite goes away. his hands have always been gentler than he's ever allowed himself to think, though, and they were gentle here, too. ]
You offered to free me from a trap I was stuck in in exchange, and tried to pull the arrow out, but I didn't know it was there, and I denied you. I didn't know who you were. And - I thought...
[ he thought it was something else. he thought it was the memory of luo wenzhou at all, thought it was the painful emotions he'd earned the ability to feel, thought - that he deserved it, really, that horrible, aching pain that never quite went away. he didn't trust it. he should have. it was a stupid, self destructive mistake - to not trust the person trying to help you, and to just get worse. ]
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also oh nooOOO i didn't know the gentle hands line had to do with shenhe... a bird stuck in a trap, huh. she can see the symbolism in that, she supposes.]
You have resisted my offer to help often. [she says, but it's only a little annoyed. it comes from a good place.] It is the thing that bothers me most about you.
[a beat.] What did you think?
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...I thought you might be trying to pull the emotions from me, or take my heart altogether. I didn't know it was you, and I didn't know about the arrow.
[ ... ]
But I couldn't let it go. It was hurting, but I thought that was fine. [ deserved, really. ] I decided I wanted to hurt.
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You shouldn't. [still annoyed!!] I've seen what has made you and if anything, I think it makes you deserving of something soft.
[but like. she knows. she knows what it's like to want to hurt. so she can't scold him too badly, because the red ropes were for her own safety as much as everybody else's.]
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