[she shifts, after a moment, and then puts the comb down, and slides her arms around him again, hugging him from behind. solid, warm, steady.]
I understand. [she says, closing her eyes.] I don't know that it's possible for someone to love me, either. But I try to believe it.
[because they owe it to the people choosing them to try.]
I care about you as well. [not in the same way, obviously, but. the way he treated her after she came stumbling off the beach back into the UG made her loyal to him for the rest of his or her life. whether he cares about her back or not.]
[ it's funny. these easy affections are the kind of thing he's starting to finally get used to. for someone who's been hugged like this many, many times, when it means something, it really means something. fei du takes those words and lets them sink in; maybe he can't think it's possible, but he can try.
he feels a little wrung out, after his harrowing adventure, and he leans back into the hug, letting his eyes close. he's been more honest here, in death, and if there's anyone in this entire place that has earned his care, his honesty, in return, it's shenhe. ]
I care about you, too. [ quietly, definitively.
he lets silence fall, for a moment, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. like this, it's obvious - such a thin chest. such a heavy heart. ] ... You were there. [ with a quiet huff of a laugh. ] You're going to scold me.
she can see it, in the way that matsui and buzen speak to her, the way rang is a little softer with her, the way rin smiles at her. but to hear it in words, simple and honest, makes her feel a little less desperately lonely. she hugs him a little closer, closing her eyes. she can't cry anymore. the tears don't happen. which means the blood doesn't happen either, so that's good.
but... still. she wishes she could, maybe. it felt nice to let it happen.
as for the rest, she opens her eyes just to roll them.]
[ it feels kind of good to get all of the stupid things out. what he remembers of his adventure was mostly just mistakes and terrible, costly, self-destructive decisions, like the decisions he makes almost every day of his life. the only time he ever has started to get better is when he's smacked over the head with that reminder - that people care about him, and love him, and because of that, he needs to try and grow. it feels good to be scolded, because it comes from a place of love and kindness. it's something he's never had, before.
he lets shenhe stay close, and tilts his head back, resting his head on her shoulder. ]
I didn't remember about the arrow I was shot down with, at first. In the first story, Chang'e... I died. And in the space in between, I ran into you. You were a bird stuck in a trap, though, and I freed you from it.
[ which, like. his worry about touching small animals never quite goes away. his hands have always been gentler than he's ever allowed himself to think, though, and they were gentle here, too. ]
You offered to free me from a trap I was stuck in in exchange, and tried to pull the arrow out, but I didn't know it was there, and I denied you. I didn't know who you were. And - I thought...
[ he thought it was something else. he thought it was the memory of luo wenzhou at all, thought it was the painful emotions he'd earned the ability to feel, thought - that he deserved it, really, that horrible, aching pain that never quite went away. he didn't trust it. he should have. it was a stupid, self destructive mistake - to not trust the person trying to help you, and to just get worse. ]
[she keeps her arms around him, happy when he tilts back a bit. it's nice, to have someone react to her touch like this. like they're comforted.
also oh nooOOO i didn't know the gentle hands line had to do with shenhe... a bird stuck in a trap, huh. she can see the symbolism in that, she supposes.]
You have resisted my offer to help often. [she says, but it's only a little annoyed. it comes from a good place.] It is the thing that bothers me most about you.
[ yeah she's so right. he winces a little, but after a measured moment of calm. ]
...I thought you might be trying to pull the emotions from me, or take my heart altogether. I didn't know it was you, and I didn't know about the arrow.
[ ... ]
But I couldn't let it go. It was hurting, but I thought that was fine. [ deserved, really. ] I decided I wanted to hurt.
You shouldn't. [still annoyed!!] I've seen what has made you and if anything, I think it makes you deserving of something soft.
[but like. she knows. she knows what it's like to want to hurt. so she can't scold him too badly, because the red ropes were for her own safety as much as everybody else's.]
[ well. thankfully it's not thoughtshare week yet because he does not agree, but. the mention of his past is a reminder of why he shied away in the first place. ]
... I'd rather hurt, than forget. [ or - not feel at all. ]
In the end, I decided to forget it all and start over, anyway. It's all still blurry, but we were given the chance to make a deal with a witch who could alter reality. The entire thing sounds like a fever dream.
[ god. he's so tired. having A Lot of Emotions and getting stabbed a lot was really tiring. ]
[she can kind of sense the tired, and - well, he didn't push her too badly, so. she'll be nice. she doesn't think she's as good at helping with words, anyway. she hugs him a little more tightly for a moment, exhaling harshly.
she's still a little frightened, like. residuals. after he came back full of holes.]
That is how those go. [mostly. a pause. and then she shifts and just picks him up? scoops him right up bridal style.] I am taking you to your room.
[ fei du is never allowed to have a single moment of dignity in the graveyard. not a single one.
he doesn't fight it, because he is tired, and he does just give up and allow her to manhandle him with a sigh. which is fine, mostly because as he settles, he lets his thoughts wander and absently lifts his hand, like he's expecting something to happen with it.
nothing does, and he sighs again, and leans against shenhe proper. ]
[he is not no this is what he gets for making friends with someone eight times his strength.
she carries him easily enough, letting him settle as she walks, slow and easy towards the hotel. she's in no rush. it's kind of nice to get to hold him like this, funnily enough. the afterlife really turned her into a touch fiend.
she does give him a curious look when he lifts his hand, though.]
...I thought I might be able to make the light again.
[ but, no - he gave all that magic up. didn't he? it'd been so easy, then. a flick of the wrist, a flick of his fingertips, to let in the light. to learn to draw power from love, instead of steal it away like a thief from the very sun itself. ] But it really was part of the deal.
[ this is a little dreamily said - like he's lapsing back into the fantasy of it all. ]
What was? The light? [she's curious... it sounds like he went through a lot, but it also sounds less like something grabbed at his sanity and cut all the cords in one go, so she kind of wants to hear about it.]
he makes a noise, soft. ] Mmm. My magic. [ still quiet and dreamy, as he lets his eyes close. ] The witch asked me for a trade. She took out the arrow, and I traded my memories of everything and my magic away.
I messed it up so badly, that I'd give up anything to set it right.
[ there's a pause, though, and he drops his hand. ] ...Well. Almost anything. I decided that I was going to be selfish, and I wouldn't just ask her to take me out of his memories entirely in a new life.
[ it doesn't really hurt, but it's just instinct, at this point. he's mumbling, too. ]
Mm. I traded with her, and when I left, I wasn't Chang'e. I had a chance at another life... and then all of my injuries from the battle came back. [ now he makes a little bit of a face, recalling. not fun. ] And then we went through that portal, and now we're back here.
... I haven't noticed any strange effects other than that, with you. [she kicks open the door to the hotel because her arms are full.] And you are healed, now.
he gives her a little pat on the shoulder from where he is settled, and gestures at said mini fridge. maybe he will teach his bird a little alcoholism as a treat. ]
[hmmmmm she still doesn't really like the taste but. she probably was able to sleep through the night after he got her those small ones, so she's considering it.
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I understand. [she says, closing her eyes.] I don't know that it's possible for someone to love me, either. But I try to believe it.
[because they owe it to the people choosing them to try.]
I care about you as well. [not in the same way, obviously, but. the way he treated her after she came stumbling off the beach back into the UG made her loyal to him for the rest of his or her life. whether he cares about her back or not.]
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he feels a little wrung out, after his harrowing adventure, and he leans back into the hug, letting his eyes close. he's been more honest here, in death, and if there's anyone in this entire place that has earned his care, his honesty, in return, it's shenhe. ]
I care about you, too. [ quietly, definitively.
he lets silence fall, for a moment, tilting his head back, closing his eyes. like this, it's obvious - such a thin chest. such a heavy heart. ] ... You were there. [ with a quiet huff of a laugh. ] You're going to scold me.
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she can see it, in the way that matsui and buzen speak to her, the way rang is a little softer with her, the way rin smiles at her. but to hear it in words, simple and honest, makes her feel a little less desperately lonely. she hugs him a little closer, closing her eyes. she can't cry anymore. the tears don't happen. which means the blood doesn't happen either, so that's good.
but... still. she wishes she could, maybe. it felt nice to let it happen.
as for the rest, she opens her eyes just to roll them.]
Yes, I'm sure that I will.
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he lets shenhe stay close, and tilts his head back, resting his head on her shoulder. ]
I didn't remember about the arrow I was shot down with, at first. In the first story, Chang'e... I died. And in the space in between, I ran into you. You were a bird stuck in a trap, though, and I freed you from it.
[ which, like. his worry about touching small animals never quite goes away. his hands have always been gentler than he's ever allowed himself to think, though, and they were gentle here, too. ]
You offered to free me from a trap I was stuck in in exchange, and tried to pull the arrow out, but I didn't know it was there, and I denied you. I didn't know who you were. And - I thought...
[ he thought it was something else. he thought it was the memory of luo wenzhou at all, thought it was the painful emotions he'd earned the ability to feel, thought - that he deserved it, really, that horrible, aching pain that never quite went away. he didn't trust it. he should have. it was a stupid, self destructive mistake - to not trust the person trying to help you, and to just get worse. ]
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also oh nooOOO i didn't know the gentle hands line had to do with shenhe... a bird stuck in a trap, huh. she can see the symbolism in that, she supposes.]
You have resisted my offer to help often. [she says, but it's only a little annoyed. it comes from a good place.] It is the thing that bothers me most about you.
[a beat.] What did you think?
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...I thought you might be trying to pull the emotions from me, or take my heart altogether. I didn't know it was you, and I didn't know about the arrow.
[ ... ]
But I couldn't let it go. It was hurting, but I thought that was fine. [ deserved, really. ] I decided I wanted to hurt.
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You shouldn't. [still annoyed!!] I've seen what has made you and if anything, I think it makes you deserving of something soft.
[but like. she knows. she knows what it's like to want to hurt. so she can't scold him too badly, because the red ropes were for her own safety as much as everybody else's.]
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... I'd rather hurt, than forget. [ or - not feel at all. ]
In the end, I decided to forget it all and start over, anyway. It's all still blurry, but we were given the chance to make a deal with a witch who could alter reality. The entire thing sounds like a fever dream.
[ god. he's so tired. having A Lot of Emotions and getting stabbed a lot was really tiring. ]
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she's still a little frightened, like. residuals. after he came back full of holes.]
That is how those go. [mostly. a pause. and then she shifts and just picks him up? scoops him right up bridal style.] I am taking you to your room.
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I am healed, you know... I can walk....
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[yes??? she ignores him and starts walking help]
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he doesn't fight it, because he is tired, and he does just give up and allow her to manhandle him with a sigh. which is fine, mostly because as he settles, he lets his thoughts wander and absently lifts his hand, like he's expecting something to happen with it.
nothing does, and he sighs again, and leans against shenhe proper. ]
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she carries him easily enough, letting him settle as she walks, slow and easy towards the hotel. she's in no rush. it's kind of nice to get to hold him like this, funnily enough. the afterlife really turned her into a touch fiend.
she does give him a curious look when he lifts his hand, though.]
What are you doing?
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[ but, no - he gave all that magic up. didn't he? it'd been so easy, then. a flick of the wrist, a flick of his fingertips, to let in the light. to learn to draw power from love, instead of steal it away like a thief from the very sun itself. ] But it really was part of the deal.
[ this is a little dreamily said - like he's lapsing back into the fantasy of it all. ]
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What was? The light? [she's curious... it sounds like he went through a lot, but it also sounds less like something grabbed at his sanity and cut all the cords in one go, so she kind of wants to hear about it.]
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he makes a noise, soft. ] Mmm. My magic. [ still quiet and dreamy, as he lets his eyes close. ] The witch asked me for a trade. She took out the arrow, and I traded my memories of everything and my magic away.
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... he can be dreamy for now but if it gets worse she's going to be worried.] Was that what you wanted?
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I messed it up so badly, that I'd give up anything to set it right.
[ there's a pause, though, and he drops his hand. ] ...Well. Almost anything. I decided that I was going to be selfish, and I wouldn't just ask her to take me out of his memories entirely in a new life.
[ we are learning ]
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It is not selfish to give and receive love. [she huffs, re-arranging him in her arms.] Good, though. Is that how it ended?
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[ it doesn't really hurt, but it's just instinct, at this point. he's mumbling, too. ]
Mm. I traded with her, and when I left, I wasn't Chang'e. I had a chance at another life... and then all of my injuries from the battle came back. [ now he makes a little bit of a face, recalling. not fun. ] And then we went through that portal, and now we're back here.
... All of it's still so blurry.
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[she was disoriented as fuck after her own, so.]
... I haven't noticed any strange effects other than that, with you. [she kicks open the door to the hotel because her arms are full.] And you are healed, now.
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I'll be honest with you, if there's anything, I'm just repressing it.
[ healthy! he makes a little noise when she kicks the door open. impressive! ] I need a drink.
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I would like one as well. [you've made the bird an alcoholic (no)]
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[ of course there is.
he gives her a little pat on the shoulder from where he is settled, and gestures at said mini fridge. maybe he will teach his bird a little alcoholism as a treat. ]
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... she'll bring him the bottle, either way.]
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