[this is what matsui said, this is what buzen said, and now he's saying it - and it does help. it does. she is trying so hard to have some semblance of space for herself, here, to feel when she hasn't before. the ropes came off when she arrived, and she hasn't put them back on. she wants to feel it.
she swallows a little hard.]
I wanted to live. With them. With Nahri, with Vash and Wolfwood, with you. [she says, finally.] That's all.
[upset translates to anger, for her. it's only later that she feels like this, wrung out. trying to be fair, trying to listen to the swords tell her that it was okay to be angry but carefully never saying anything bad about the team that killed her, either. the team that took her from people she cares about, whether she agreed to fight or not.]
he squeezes her hand, again, gently. the last conversation fei du had with nahri was like this - where she made him promise he'd do everything he could to move forward the same way that she would. they agreed. they wanted to live. fei du wanted to live so badly. he wanted a life he used to never think he deserved. so, to hear shenhe say the same, to crystallize that feeling in so few words, as she always does, makes his quietly tender heart hurt, too. ]
...I know. [ ... ] Normally, I'd say something like "everything will be alright" or "time will pass", but maybe I won't today. I want you to live, too.
That was stolen from you, and it shouldn't have been. It felt like you were stolen away from me, too.
[ it's genuine. honest. he takes her hand because he has it, and cheekily brings it up to press his cheek into her palm. ] Even though I had a piece of you with me the whole time.
[ he makes the :nyeh: face. the affronted fei du cat face.
but, with that aside, he's probably free of murder details, and besides, he needs shenya to meet her namesake! shenya the duck goes very easily, because it seems she's already very used to being held. you can decide what she does i trust you to rp the duck more than me
he's smiling, though, lightly fond. ] Come on. Is there somewhere to sit, here? I'll comb your hair and you can get acquainted.
[he's free for now until she hits him with a how did you die in like 5 threads from now
anyway, she loves this duck. shenya doesn't bite shenhe, she just cuddles, and there's this very small and pleased expression of delight on shenhe's face.]
There are benches. [she nods in the direction of said benches.] Go on. I'm following.
[ cute... he nods, and will head that way! it's familiar, at this point - he comes over and sits on the edge, and then pats the spot beside him, gesturing for her to turn so he can reach.
her hair is a mess. it's very, very tangled, because she hasn't been taking care of it since she got here - she's been distracted with... the burden of existence, honestly. she got here and it was immediately memshare week and there were four bodies, lord jesus.
anyway she settles, and pets a duck gently. she trusts him to touch her hair. it's nice.]
... How are you doing, after everything? [a beat.] Don't lie to me.
just like the last time, fei du is very gentle. he sections out the pieces of his hair and sets tthe ombre black parts in his lap to start there, very gently stroking the comb through her hair. the mantra comes up, before he even really lets himself process. one brushstroke to uproot anxiety.
he opens his mouth to say something, automatic. fine. i'm fine.
... ]
Determined. [ fei du murmurs, eventually - a more honest answer. ] To find a way back. [ another stroke of the comb. ] To be honest, I think I was about to die before I came here. I'm not particularly bothered.
[he's so gentle with it, and it's relaxing. she's never had therapy before, obviously, but this is zen - this is meditation. this is her breathing in and breathing out, her body loosening and letting go of all that tension. getting comfortable. not having to be made of ice.
maybe it's a little what family feels like? she's not sure. she's never really had one before, but it's something new and warm to trust someone like this, without any fear of being stabbed in the back, metaphorically or literally.
and while she does appreciate the honesty she asked for --]
... You were about to die? [she has to not get all of that tension back when she hears this]
[ maybe this is what family feels like. for fei du, as he strokes the comb very lightly through shenhe's hair, the recognition comes that he thinks about shenhe the way he thinks about tao ran.
it comes to mind, as he strokes through another tangled knot, gentle, and thinks about the last moments he spent at home. about tao ran, confined to a wheelchair and keeping watch over fei du. how he was one of the last friendly faces he saw, right before fei du drugged him with a soporific and ran off. a brushstroke to forsake sorrow. ]
...There was a very small chance I'd survive it. [ A brushstroke to walk a path into old age without regret. ] But it was very small. The last thing I remember is I was in a warehouse surrounded by a large amount of people with guns.
[the brushstrokes are what is keeping her calm, but that's a little bit of struggle. she really hates how many people just... have horrific stuff to go back to, even when they're not actually dead.]
If I am able, I will go back with you. [she says, firmly.] I'm not frightened by guns.
[she's assuming a lot of things, like - she could get there in the first place, like she'd have her Vision, like she'd be able to do anything about it at all, like she'd be able to go back home if she needed to. it's off the cuff, though. because she wants to protect him. because she promised she would, all the way back in week one.]
[ that is - a lot of assumptions, and it's so immediate and startling that fei du can't help himself, and he lets out a quiet laugh. ]
If you're able. [ god. he's not sure how that group would handle shenhe. the image is almost comical, imagining her bolting around and destroying them all, but... what awaits fei du aren't monsters. they're people. terrified, desperate people who just have come to believe in their own version justice.
as he works through another knot, gently, he shakes his head, making a soft noise. what awaits him at the end is something he walked into himself. ] ... It's my battle to fight, darling. One way or another.
But thank you, anyway. You've really gone above and beyond the line of duty. [ that's a little lightly, joking. ] I can talk my way out of almost anything, so. Maybe there's hope.
[... he died here, is all. she worries. she's so tired of worrying - she's not built for anxiety, really, and it's exhausting to have been here all week without being able to do anything. if she hadn't thrown several temper tantrums already this weekend, she thinks she might throw one now.
for now, she looks down at the duck sleeping in her lap, and strokes her feathers softly.
there's a little more tension in her shoulders again. it's a burden, to fear losing people important to her. but it's also something to hold onto. that's what she's been learning while she's been here, that emotions are not clear-cut, uncomplicated things.]
it's complicated, because fei du doesn't really think that he deserves to survive it. he'd like to - he planned to - but, the organization caught onto his plan, and his backup is a thin sliver of a prayer of faith in yan city's police department that he'd already shot himself in the foot with by drugging tao ran. he has a feeling he knows what the head of that group wants him to do. they've written him a comparatively gentle ending, and he's stepped right into it. he didn't say goodbye to wenzhou. he didn't say goodbye to him, really, here, either.
he adjust where he's sitting and lifts the comb up to start from the top of her head this time, working all the way through the long piece of hair he'd sifted free in his hands, bit by bit, like he's trying to soothe. longer strokes. anxiety, sorrow, a long life. it'll be okay. ]
All of that is to say that I'm fine. What is death, after all?
[she says, firmly. she looks over her shoulder at him after he finishes a stroke, because - even if he doesn't think he deserves to survive it, she does.]
[ he meets her gaze, expression inscrutable - the not quite black reflecting the light, before his brows knit and he frowns. ]
I know. [ he knows. ] I'm sorry, darling.
[ don't use the same tactic you use on wenzhou to get out of it. he gives her a little nudge gently back to the front, reassuring. it's okay, it's okay. ]
[DON'T BULLSHIT HER she just gives him Such A Look.]
You do that to Luo Wenzhou. [she's seen it!!! she doesn't turn around just yet, watching him. shenya peeks around her to look at him too.] Say it, and mean it.
but, actually, mentioning wenzhou gets that flicker in his expression - something quietly hurt. he'd never show it more than that. not at shenhe, but at himself, at how cruel he's been to him in particular with the exact same attitude.
and instead of 'i'm sorry', he says: ]
...I was too flippant with it on Thursday, too, I think.
[she doesn't mean to hurt him, and she regrets it a little, but. he's a little more honest, and that's what she wants. so, carefully, she turns again so that he doesn't have to deal with her glaring at him. he can keep brushing.]
You couldn't have known that you were going to wake up Thursday night. [but.] Be less flippant. I don't have the patience to listen to you joke about something that upsets me. Wenzhou has too much.
[ it's the only way to successfully get to do anything with fei du, is with pain. it seems like the only way he ever taught himself how to learn.
the guilt of it sticks in his heart, and he keeps it there. buries it, like a piece of his rotten heart buried miles under the dirt of sinew and muscle. wenzhou has too much. shenhe, too. ]
...no. I suppose not. [ and, finally, as he resumes the stroke of the comb; ] ...I'm sorry.
Your apology is accepted. [...] I care about you. You are important to me, and I want you to know that. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother scolding you.
[she leans back a little into the brushstrokes. shenya warbles quietly.]
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she swallows a little hard.]
I wanted to live. With them. With Nahri, with Vash and Wolfwood, with you. [she says, finally.] That's all.
[upset translates to anger, for her. it's only later that she feels like this, wrung out. trying to be fair, trying to listen to the swords tell her that it was okay to be angry but carefully never saying anything bad about the team that killed her, either. the team that took her from people she cares about, whether she agreed to fight or not.]
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he squeezes her hand, again, gently. the last conversation fei du had with nahri was like this - where she made him promise he'd do everything he could to move forward the same way that she would. they agreed. they wanted to live. fei du wanted to live so badly. he wanted a life he used to never think he deserved. so, to hear shenhe say the same, to crystallize that feeling in so few words, as she always does, makes his quietly tender heart hurt, too. ]
...I know. [ ... ] Normally, I'd say something like "everything will be alright" or "time will pass", but maybe I won't today. I want you to live, too.
That was stolen from you, and it shouldn't have been. It felt like you were stolen away from me, too.
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this can be enough for now. to hear that she didn't deserve to have it stolen from her, and that someone felt robbed.]
I am, selfishly, glad to see you here. [she says, finally.] I missed you.
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[ it's genuine. honest. he takes her hand because he has it, and cheekily brings it up to press his cheek into her palm. ] Even though I had a piece of you with me the whole time.
[ duck!!! ]
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I should be annoyed that you named her after me because she bit you. [she's like, not. she thinks it's funny.]
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[ the way he says this is in the innocent teaching tone of someone being a smartass.
the duck herself hears her name and pokes her head out of her fanny pack baby bjorn. ] She reminded me of you too easily - and she adores Nahri.
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anyway shenhe the human reaches to flick him against the ear, and then reaches into the fanny pack to hold shenya the duck.]
Well. That's accurate. [she murmurs, bringing the duck up to meet her gaze.]
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but, with that aside, he's probably free of murder details, and besides, he needs shenya to meet her namesake! shenya the duck goes very easily, because it seems she's already very used to being held. you can decide what she does i trust you to rp the duck more than me
he's smiling, though, lightly fond. ] Come on. Is there somewhere to sit, here? I'll comb your hair and you can get acquainted.
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anyway, she loves this duck. shenya doesn't bite shenhe, she just cuddles, and there's this very small and pleased expression of delight on shenhe's face.]
There are benches. [she nods in the direction of said benches.] Go on. I'm following.
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and holding his hand out for the comb! gimme. ]
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her hair is a mess. it's very, very tangled, because she hasn't been taking care of it since she got here - she's been distracted with... the burden of existence, honestly. she got here and it was immediately memshare week and there were four bodies, lord jesus.
anyway she settles, and pets a duck gently. she trusts him to touch her hair. it's nice.]
... How are you doing, after everything? [a beat.] Don't lie to me.
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just like the last time, fei du is very gentle. he sections out the pieces of his hair and sets tthe ombre black parts in his lap to start there, very gently stroking the comb through her hair. the mantra comes up, before he even really lets himself process. one brushstroke to uproot anxiety.
he opens his mouth to say something, automatic. fine. i'm fine.
... ]
Determined. [ fei du murmurs, eventually - a more honest answer. ] To find a way back. [ another stroke of the comb. ] To be honest, I think I was about to die before I came here. I'm not particularly bothered.
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maybe it's a little what family feels like? she's not sure. she's never really had one before, but it's something new and warm to trust someone like this, without any fear of being stabbed in the back, metaphorically or literally.
and while she does appreciate the honesty she asked for --]
... You were about to die? [she has to not get all of that tension back when she hears this]
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it comes to mind, as he strokes through another tangled knot, gentle, and thinks about the last moments he spent at home. about tao ran, confined to a wheelchair and keeping watch over fei du. how he was one of the last friendly faces he saw, right before fei du drugged him with a soporific and ran off. a brushstroke to forsake sorrow. ]
...There was a very small chance I'd survive it. [ A brushstroke to walk a path into old age without regret. ] But it was very small. The last thing I remember is I was in a warehouse surrounded by a large amount of people with guns.
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If I am able, I will go back with you. [she says, firmly.] I'm not frightened by guns.
[she's assuming a lot of things, like - she could get there in the first place, like she'd have her Vision, like she'd be able to do anything about it at all, like she'd be able to go back home if she needed to. it's off the cuff, though. because she wants to protect him. because she promised she would, all the way back in week one.]
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If you're able. [ god. he's not sure how that group would handle shenhe. the image is almost comical, imagining her bolting around and destroying them all, but... what awaits fei du aren't monsters. they're people. terrified, desperate people who just have come to believe in their own version justice.
as he works through another knot, gently, he shakes his head, making a soft noise. what awaits him at the end is something he walked into himself. ] ... It's my battle to fight, darling. One way or another.
But thank you, anyway. You've really gone above and beyond the line of duty. [ that's a little lightly, joking. ] I can talk my way out of almost anything, so. Maybe there's hope.
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Almost anything.
[... he died here, is all. she worries. she's so tired of worrying - she's not built for anxiety, really, and it's exhausting to have been here all week without being able to do anything. if she hadn't thrown several temper tantrums already this weekend, she thinks she might throw one now.
for now, she looks down at the duck sleeping in her lap, and strokes her feathers softly.
there's a little more tension in her shoulders again. it's a burden, to fear losing people important to her. but it's also something to hold onto. that's what she's been learning while she's been here, that emotions are not clear-cut, uncomplicated things.]
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[ he agrees, voice softening.
it's complicated, because fei du doesn't really think that he deserves to survive it. he'd like to - he planned to - but, the organization caught onto his plan, and his backup is a thin sliver of a prayer of faith in yan city's police department that he'd already shot himself in the foot with by drugging tao ran. he has a feeling he knows what the head of that group wants him to do. they've written him a comparatively gentle ending, and he's stepped right into it. he didn't say goodbye to wenzhou. he didn't say goodbye to him, really, here, either.
he adjust where he's sitting and lifts the comb up to start from the top of her head this time, working all the way through the long piece of hair he'd sifted free in his hands, bit by bit, like he's trying to soothe. longer strokes. anxiety, sorrow, a long life. it'll be okay. ]
All of that is to say that I'm fine. What is death, after all?
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[she says, firmly. she looks over her shoulder at him after he finishes a stroke, because - even if he doesn't think he deserves to survive it, she does.]
Don't be flippant about your death.
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I know. [ he knows. ] I'm sorry, darling.
[ don't use the same tactic you use on wenzhou to get out of it. he gives her a little nudge gently back to the front, reassuring. it's okay, it's okay. ]
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You do that to Luo Wenzhou. [she's seen it!!! she doesn't turn around just yet, watching him. shenya peeks around her to look at him too.] Say it, and mean it.
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but, actually, mentioning wenzhou gets that flicker in his expression - something quietly hurt. he'd never show it more than that. not at shenhe, but at himself, at how cruel he's been to him in particular with the exact same attitude.
and instead of 'i'm sorry', he says: ]
...I was too flippant with it on Thursday, too, I think.
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You couldn't have known that you were going to wake up Thursday night. [but.] Be less flippant. I don't have the patience to listen to you joke about something that upsets me. Wenzhou has too much.
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the guilt of it sticks in his heart, and he keeps it there. buries it, like a piece of his rotten heart buried miles under the dirt of sinew and muscle. wenzhou has too much. shenhe, too. ]
...no. I suppose not. [ and, finally, as he resumes the stroke of the comb; ] ...I'm sorry.
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Your apology is accepted. [...] I care about you. You are important to me, and I want you to know that. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother scolding you.
[she leans back a little into the brushstrokes. shenya warbles quietly.]
This is why it's better that I died first.
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