[this is such a funny thing, because - this is why shenhe needs the balance. she needs rang, who tells her that she should rip people apart, and she needs fei du, who reminds her that it probably isn't acceptable to do that, even if you really want to.
she's always going to be a bit more feral than he is, she thinks. he has a control that she doesn't. a control that he sticks to because he wants to be better. she doesn't, always.]
It shouldn't have been you. [... she goes back to petting the duck.] I'm tired of people hurting you.
[ weh. shenhe can't see his face, but his expression shifts a little, first into a bit of surprise, then confusion. i haven't been hurt that much. i can take it. that's the automatic response. if it's not physical pain - which he cannot take, no matter how much he lies about it - then it's the emotional, and if there's anyone who can handle mental and emotional strain, it's fei du.
... but, he's trying to get better about the fact that maybe he shouldn't be hurt, that maybe he shouldn't be hurting himself, and in the micro flash of a second, the expression moves into something quietly touched, and maybe a little rueful, and instead, he just lets it settle after a millisecond pause of his hand. that's as close to acceptance as shenhe might be able to get, but it is a good acceptance.
silence passes, for a moment, before he speaks up again. ]
...It didn't really hurt, Thursday. [ physically, mentally. he's not disagreeing with her, but. ] You'll hate that I say it, but it's worth something: I went out on my own terms.
[because like, she did too. she went out on her own terms, as much as she was able. she's still mad that gerard put her to sleep, because she is so, so sure she would've won, but. she fought as hard as she could and she left her notes, and she let the people she loves know that she loves them. so it's okay.]
If you have to die, it's better to do it without regrets, as much as you're able. [a brushstroke.
she thinks maybe that both of them didn't do super great in that regard but it is what it is.]
[ in a logical sense, fei du did that. he's guaranteed his own priority, along with wenzhou's, in order to be revived. he's kept wenzhou from being killed. he helped froggystyle get more points, and got vengeance for shenhe by wiping out gerard in the process. he was close to death at home anyway. he could handle it. logically, he'll be just fine.
... but, some regrets are harder to shake. he feels them every time he looks up at that shibuya screen, and not just at wenzhou, but at nahri, at eiden. at people left behind. it leaves him reflective for a moment, quietly paying attention to the brushstrokes instead. ]
We went for a joyride. I thought if I was going to die, I might as well go out the same way people thought I would - and it least if it was a car accident, I was the one driving.
[ that's a joke that's in absolutely godawful taste but sometimes not even shenhe sensitivity training can stop you. ]
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no subject
she's always going to be a bit more feral than he is, she thinks. he has a control that she doesn't. a control that he sticks to because he wants to be better. she doesn't, always.]
It shouldn't have been you. [... she goes back to petting the duck.] I'm tired of people hurting you.
no subject
... but, he's trying to get better about the fact that maybe he shouldn't be hurt, that maybe he shouldn't be hurting himself, and in the micro flash of a second, the expression moves into something quietly touched, and maybe a little rueful, and instead, he just lets it settle after a millisecond pause of his hand. that's as close to acceptance as shenhe might be able to get, but it is a good acceptance.
silence passes, for a moment, before he speaks up again. ]
...It didn't really hurt, Thursday. [ physically, mentally. he's not disagreeing with her, but. ] You'll hate that I say it, but it's worth something: I went out on my own terms.
no subject
[because like, she did too. she went out on her own terms, as much as she was able. she's still mad that gerard put her to sleep, because she is so, so sure she would've won, but. she fought as hard as she could and she left her notes, and she let the people she loves know that she loves them. so it's okay.]
If you have to die, it's better to do it without regrets, as much as you're able. [a brushstroke.
she thinks maybe that both of them didn't do super great in that regard but it is what it is.]
no subject
[ in a logical sense, fei du did that. he's guaranteed his own priority, along with wenzhou's, in order to be revived. he's kept wenzhou from being killed. he helped froggystyle get more points, and got vengeance for shenhe by wiping out gerard in the process. he was close to death at home anyway. he could handle it. logically, he'll be just fine.
... but, some regrets are harder to shake. he feels them every time he looks up at that shibuya screen, and not just at wenzhou, but at nahri, at eiden. at people left behind. it leaves him reflective for a moment, quietly paying attention to the brushstrokes instead. ]
We went for a joyride. I thought if I was going to die, I might as well go out the same way people thought I would - and it least if it was a car accident, I was the one driving.
[ that's a joke that's in absolutely godawful taste but sometimes not even shenhe sensitivity training can stop you. ]