[the brushstrokes are what is keeping her calm, but that's a little bit of struggle. she really hates how many people just... have horrific stuff to go back to, even when they're not actually dead.]
If I am able, I will go back with you. [she says, firmly.] I'm not frightened by guns.
[she's assuming a lot of things, like - she could get there in the first place, like she'd have her Vision, like she'd be able to do anything about it at all, like she'd be able to go back home if she needed to. it's off the cuff, though. because she wants to protect him. because she promised she would, all the way back in week one.]
[ that is - a lot of assumptions, and it's so immediate and startling that fei du can't help himself, and he lets out a quiet laugh. ]
If you're able. [ god. he's not sure how that group would handle shenhe. the image is almost comical, imagining her bolting around and destroying them all, but... what awaits fei du aren't monsters. they're people. terrified, desperate people who just have come to believe in their own version justice.
as he works through another knot, gently, he shakes his head, making a soft noise. what awaits him at the end is something he walked into himself. ] ... It's my battle to fight, darling. One way or another.
But thank you, anyway. You've really gone above and beyond the line of duty. [ that's a little lightly, joking. ] I can talk my way out of almost anything, so. Maybe there's hope.
[... he died here, is all. she worries. she's so tired of worrying - she's not built for anxiety, really, and it's exhausting to have been here all week without being able to do anything. if she hadn't thrown several temper tantrums already this weekend, she thinks she might throw one now.
for now, she looks down at the duck sleeping in her lap, and strokes her feathers softly.
there's a little more tension in her shoulders again. it's a burden, to fear losing people important to her. but it's also something to hold onto. that's what she's been learning while she's been here, that emotions are not clear-cut, uncomplicated things.]
it's complicated, because fei du doesn't really think that he deserves to survive it. he'd like to - he planned to - but, the organization caught onto his plan, and his backup is a thin sliver of a prayer of faith in yan city's police department that he'd already shot himself in the foot with by drugging tao ran. he has a feeling he knows what the head of that group wants him to do. they've written him a comparatively gentle ending, and he's stepped right into it. he didn't say goodbye to wenzhou. he didn't say goodbye to him, really, here, either.
he adjust where he's sitting and lifts the comb up to start from the top of her head this time, working all the way through the long piece of hair he'd sifted free in his hands, bit by bit, like he's trying to soothe. longer strokes. anxiety, sorrow, a long life. it'll be okay. ]
All of that is to say that I'm fine. What is death, after all?
[she says, firmly. she looks over her shoulder at him after he finishes a stroke, because - even if he doesn't think he deserves to survive it, she does.]
[ he meets her gaze, expression inscrutable - the not quite black reflecting the light, before his brows knit and he frowns. ]
I know. [ he knows. ] I'm sorry, darling.
[ don't use the same tactic you use on wenzhou to get out of it. he gives her a little nudge gently back to the front, reassuring. it's okay, it's okay. ]
[DON'T BULLSHIT HER she just gives him Such A Look.]
You do that to Luo Wenzhou. [she's seen it!!! she doesn't turn around just yet, watching him. shenya peeks around her to look at him too.] Say it, and mean it.
but, actually, mentioning wenzhou gets that flicker in his expression - something quietly hurt. he'd never show it more than that. not at shenhe, but at himself, at how cruel he's been to him in particular with the exact same attitude.
and instead of 'i'm sorry', he says: ]
...I was too flippant with it on Thursday, too, I think.
[she doesn't mean to hurt him, and she regrets it a little, but. he's a little more honest, and that's what she wants. so, carefully, she turns again so that he doesn't have to deal with her glaring at him. he can keep brushing.]
You couldn't have known that you were going to wake up Thursday night. [but.] Be less flippant. I don't have the patience to listen to you joke about something that upsets me. Wenzhou has too much.
[ it's the only way to successfully get to do anything with fei du, is with pain. it seems like the only way he ever taught himself how to learn.
the guilt of it sticks in his heart, and he keeps it there. buries it, like a piece of his rotten heart buried miles under the dirt of sinew and muscle. wenzhou has too much. shenhe, too. ]
...no. I suppose not. [ and, finally, as he resumes the stroke of the comb; ] ...I'm sorry.
Your apology is accepted. [...] I care about you. You are important to me, and I want you to know that. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother scolding you.
[she leans back a little into the brushstrokes. shenya warbles quietly.]
[ this is so many honest feelings all at once he's going to explode. he doesn't say anything at first, just lets that settle as he gets back to work, for a moment disappearing into his own head and the mire of his thoughts.
the last comment makes him snort, though it's humorless. ]
Now, that sounds a lot like what you just told me I wasn't allowed to say. [ :/ ]
I am allowed to say it because it isn't like how you say it. [lol] I don't want death and I don't want to be dead, but it is better that I went first because if I had been alive to see you taken out, I would have turned Gerard inside out.
he thinks this is kind of funny because he's a freak but that's okay. he's also weirdly touched by it, enough that he laughs, soft. ]
Well. I'm glad that wasn't the case - though I can't say I felt all that much differently with yours, and they should be very glad they chose me to target.
[ he would've done some frankly fucking horrifying things if it had been wenzhou but for shenhe he was able to just focus his energy on having him caught. ] I decided on Monday that I was going to vote for Froggystyle, and I was going to do whatever I could to ensure that whatever evidence there was on Saturday pointed directly to them. It just so happened to be me.
[this is such a funny thing, because - this is why shenhe needs the balance. she needs rang, who tells her that she should rip people apart, and she needs fei du, who reminds her that it probably isn't acceptable to do that, even if you really want to.
she's always going to be a bit more feral than he is, she thinks. he has a control that she doesn't. a control that he sticks to because he wants to be better. she doesn't, always.]
It shouldn't have been you. [... she goes back to petting the duck.] I'm tired of people hurting you.
[ weh. shenhe can't see his face, but his expression shifts a little, first into a bit of surprise, then confusion. i haven't been hurt that much. i can take it. that's the automatic response. if it's not physical pain - which he cannot take, no matter how much he lies about it - then it's the emotional, and if there's anyone who can handle mental and emotional strain, it's fei du.
... but, he's trying to get better about the fact that maybe he shouldn't be hurt, that maybe he shouldn't be hurting himself, and in the micro flash of a second, the expression moves into something quietly touched, and maybe a little rueful, and instead, he just lets it settle after a millisecond pause of his hand. that's as close to acceptance as shenhe might be able to get, but it is a good acceptance.
silence passes, for a moment, before he speaks up again. ]
...It didn't really hurt, Thursday. [ physically, mentally. he's not disagreeing with her, but. ] You'll hate that I say it, but it's worth something: I went out on my own terms.
[because like, she did too. she went out on her own terms, as much as she was able. she's still mad that gerard put her to sleep, because she is so, so sure she would've won, but. she fought as hard as she could and she left her notes, and she let the people she loves know that she loves them. so it's okay.]
If you have to die, it's better to do it without regrets, as much as you're able. [a brushstroke.
she thinks maybe that both of them didn't do super great in that regard but it is what it is.]
[ in a logical sense, fei du did that. he's guaranteed his own priority, along with wenzhou's, in order to be revived. he's kept wenzhou from being killed. he helped froggystyle get more points, and got vengeance for shenhe by wiping out gerard in the process. he was close to death at home anyway. he could handle it. logically, he'll be just fine.
... but, some regrets are harder to shake. he feels them every time he looks up at that shibuya screen, and not just at wenzhou, but at nahri, at eiden. at people left behind. it leaves him reflective for a moment, quietly paying attention to the brushstrokes instead. ]
We went for a joyride. I thought if I was going to die, I might as well go out the same way people thought I would - and it least if it was a car accident, I was the one driving.
[ that's a joke that's in absolutely godawful taste but sometimes not even shenhe sensitivity training can stop you. ]
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If I am able, I will go back with you. [she says, firmly.] I'm not frightened by guns.
[she's assuming a lot of things, like - she could get there in the first place, like she'd have her Vision, like she'd be able to do anything about it at all, like she'd be able to go back home if she needed to. it's off the cuff, though. because she wants to protect him. because she promised she would, all the way back in week one.]
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If you're able. [ god. he's not sure how that group would handle shenhe. the image is almost comical, imagining her bolting around and destroying them all, but... what awaits fei du aren't monsters. they're people. terrified, desperate people who just have come to believe in their own version justice.
as he works through another knot, gently, he shakes his head, making a soft noise. what awaits him at the end is something he walked into himself. ] ... It's my battle to fight, darling. One way or another.
But thank you, anyway. You've really gone above and beyond the line of duty. [ that's a little lightly, joking. ] I can talk my way out of almost anything, so. Maybe there's hope.
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Almost anything.
[... he died here, is all. she worries. she's so tired of worrying - she's not built for anxiety, really, and it's exhausting to have been here all week without being able to do anything. if she hadn't thrown several temper tantrums already this weekend, she thinks she might throw one now.
for now, she looks down at the duck sleeping in her lap, and strokes her feathers softly.
there's a little more tension in her shoulders again. it's a burden, to fear losing people important to her. but it's also something to hold onto. that's what she's been learning while she's been here, that emotions are not clear-cut, uncomplicated things.]
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[ he agrees, voice softening.
it's complicated, because fei du doesn't really think that he deserves to survive it. he'd like to - he planned to - but, the organization caught onto his plan, and his backup is a thin sliver of a prayer of faith in yan city's police department that he'd already shot himself in the foot with by drugging tao ran. he has a feeling he knows what the head of that group wants him to do. they've written him a comparatively gentle ending, and he's stepped right into it. he didn't say goodbye to wenzhou. he didn't say goodbye to him, really, here, either.
he adjust where he's sitting and lifts the comb up to start from the top of her head this time, working all the way through the long piece of hair he'd sifted free in his hands, bit by bit, like he's trying to soothe. longer strokes. anxiety, sorrow, a long life. it'll be okay. ]
All of that is to say that I'm fine. What is death, after all?
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[she says, firmly. she looks over her shoulder at him after he finishes a stroke, because - even if he doesn't think he deserves to survive it, she does.]
Don't be flippant about your death.
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I know. [ he knows. ] I'm sorry, darling.
[ don't use the same tactic you use on wenzhou to get out of it. he gives her a little nudge gently back to the front, reassuring. it's okay, it's okay. ]
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You do that to Luo Wenzhou. [she's seen it!!! she doesn't turn around just yet, watching him. shenya peeks around her to look at him too.] Say it, and mean it.
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but, actually, mentioning wenzhou gets that flicker in his expression - something quietly hurt. he'd never show it more than that. not at shenhe, but at himself, at how cruel he's been to him in particular with the exact same attitude.
and instead of 'i'm sorry', he says: ]
...I was too flippant with it on Thursday, too, I think.
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You couldn't have known that you were going to wake up Thursday night. [but.] Be less flippant. I don't have the patience to listen to you joke about something that upsets me. Wenzhou has too much.
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the guilt of it sticks in his heart, and he keeps it there. buries it, like a piece of his rotten heart buried miles under the dirt of sinew and muscle. wenzhou has too much. shenhe, too. ]
...no. I suppose not. [ and, finally, as he resumes the stroke of the comb; ] ...I'm sorry.
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Your apology is accepted. [...] I care about you. You are important to me, and I want you to know that. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother scolding you.
[she leans back a little into the brushstrokes. shenya warbles quietly.]
This is why it's better that I died first.
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the last comment makes him snort, though it's humorless. ]
Now, that sounds a lot like what you just told me I wasn't allowed to say. [ :/ ]
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he thinks this is kind of funny because he's a freak but that's okay. he's also weirdly touched by it, enough that he laughs, soft. ]
Well. I'm glad that wasn't the case - though I can't say I felt all that much differently with yours, and they should be very glad they chose me to target.
[ he would've done some frankly fucking horrifying things if it had been wenzhou but for shenhe he was able to just focus his energy on having him caught. ] I decided on Monday that I was going to vote for Froggystyle, and I was going to do whatever I could to ensure that whatever evidence there was on Saturday pointed directly to them. It just so happened to be me.
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she's always going to be a bit more feral than he is, she thinks. he has a control that she doesn't. a control that he sticks to because he wants to be better. she doesn't, always.]
It shouldn't have been you. [... she goes back to petting the duck.] I'm tired of people hurting you.
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... but, he's trying to get better about the fact that maybe he shouldn't be hurt, that maybe he shouldn't be hurting himself, and in the micro flash of a second, the expression moves into something quietly touched, and maybe a little rueful, and instead, he just lets it settle after a millisecond pause of his hand. that's as close to acceptance as shenhe might be able to get, but it is a good acceptance.
silence passes, for a moment, before he speaks up again. ]
...It didn't really hurt, Thursday. [ physically, mentally. he's not disagreeing with her, but. ] You'll hate that I say it, but it's worth something: I went out on my own terms.
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[because like, she did too. she went out on her own terms, as much as she was able. she's still mad that gerard put her to sleep, because she is so, so sure she would've won, but. she fought as hard as she could and she left her notes, and she let the people she loves know that she loves them. so it's okay.]
If you have to die, it's better to do it without regrets, as much as you're able. [a brushstroke.
she thinks maybe that both of them didn't do super great in that regard but it is what it is.]
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[ in a logical sense, fei du did that. he's guaranteed his own priority, along with wenzhou's, in order to be revived. he's kept wenzhou from being killed. he helped froggystyle get more points, and got vengeance for shenhe by wiping out gerard in the process. he was close to death at home anyway. he could handle it. logically, he'll be just fine.
... but, some regrets are harder to shake. he feels them every time he looks up at that shibuya screen, and not just at wenzhou, but at nahri, at eiden. at people left behind. it leaves him reflective for a moment, quietly paying attention to the brushstrokes instead. ]
We went for a joyride. I thought if I was going to die, I might as well go out the same way people thought I would - and it least if it was a car accident, I was the one driving.
[ that's a joke that's in absolutely godawful taste but sometimes not even shenhe sensitivity training can stop you. ]