[Maybe... Also listen. They are truly just a super sentai, love that for them.
There's a little bit of hesitation at that. He didn't ask to be pulled from the primordial ooze of godhood and into a human flesh sack, but he had still reached back when others reached for him.]
...They asked for my aid. I couldn't turn them away - especially not for this.
[He may not hold any great love for humans in the way Buzen does, but he doesn't hate them, either. They're a tragic thing, in his eyes. Protecting them from themselves is what he's always done.]
[that resonates. it's a recent thing. before here, she isn't sure she would've. maybe. the traveler didn't do much, and she still offered her help anyway.]
...That is kind... But I'm not an admirable thing.
[That's Buzen, who he'll wax poetic about until the sun falls out of the sky. He's just doing his best crawling through the world, always a hair's breadth from packing his bags and dipping the heck back outtie.]
But helping, even when you'd rather be done, is something that I'd like to do. [she doesn't mean to make him uncomfortable or anything, she just thinks - continuing on because people need you is something she wants to copy.]
[Thinking about how he almost got stapled to life because of his tendency to continue on even when he doesn't want to if people need him but his depression was so great that the hand of god (me) had to strike him down (with a shark).
His head lowers a little at that, and the hand in hers tightens its grip just barely, somewhat on reflex.]
...If that's what you wish to do, then I believe that you can. Even if it's a difficult thing - and it will be, likely. At times, at least.
[Matsui out here like I SURE HOPE SHENHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE DONE AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO BE DONE.]
she kind of - brushes her thumb against his hand. it's a move that's been done to her. sometimes she's more of a mockingbird than a crane.]
I've experienced it already. [LIKE YEAH MAYBE NOT AS MUCH AS MATSUI but - there was an amount of time when she woke up here that she wanted to go crawl into a hole and become one with the earth.]
The difficulty, I mean. But it is... getting easier. You, and Buzen, and Rin have made it easier. Rang and Count D in their own ways.
Matsui is a little surprised by the gesture, if only because it's one he's familiar with from Buzen more than anyone else. It's something he finds an automatic comfort accordingly, though. After a beat, there's a faint flicker of a smile, grateful, there and gone in a blink.
There's a little melancholy soon after. Life and love go hand in hand with difficulty and pain, which he knows well. He still has the very human desire to shield others from those unpleasant things, even so.]
...I am glad. It-- is easier, somewhat, with others. When you don't have to walk the path alone, it doesn't always feel quite so heavy.
she smiles a little back at him, something faint, and then opens her mouth like she's going to reply but instead another pig shoots past at mach fuck.
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.
and instead of speaking, she just grits her teeth.]
It puts some things into perspective, that's for sure! He recognizes so many parts of this, and the parts that he doesn't recognize helps other things slot into place. The cruelty of life bears down on all who walk any version of a world, it seems... And - because such actions are impossibly human, the things this father has done in his madness and grief - it seems that humanity, too, is cursed to bear the same weights anywhere it goes.
It's a sorrowful thing. A tragic thing. The cyclical wheel of death and birth and survival is ceaseless and unchanging.
Matsui blinks away the memory and almost immediately looks toward Shenhe, also silent. The hand in hers gives a very gentle squeeze.]
...I am sorry for the intrusion. [...] I am sorry that you came to know these things.
It's... alright. [she doesn't mind that he's seen it. she figures that he knew some of it already, that she's explained enough to him, so it doesn't feel as bad as it might otherwise.]
I've been unlearning some of these things, while I've been here, I think.
[slowly but surely learning how to trust people, and how to let them in.]
As Matsui watches her face, there's something in his expression that softens a little. Though he ultimately views humanity as a doomed tragedy, he can recognize the beauty in things like this, too. The resilience. The ability to unlearn harmful things, and learn anew how to live well.]
It must be somewhat frightening... [Letting those changes happen, after this. Letting people in again.] ...But I am glad, if you've been able to do that.
Yes. [she says, with a tiny laugh, something almost incredulous.] I haven't felt fear since - then, I think.
But once, Wolfwood was angry at me because I told him that I couldn't enjoy the foods here because I wouldn't be able to when I went back, and I felt it. [the fear of disappointing someone.] I felt it when Nahri looked at me like she was scared of me, when I tried to fight Wolfwood.
And I felt it when I heard Buzen had died, for you, and for Rang.
[...]
It translates so easily to anger. I'm trying. You have been very understanding of this.
[He's quiet for a second, listening to all these little moments of pain and reclaimed humanity, listening to the troubles she's run into in the bonds she's allowing to form.
The heart is a terrible burden, but pain and love do come in equal measures - that's often the case, at least.]
...Mm. It would be hypocritical if I didn't understand. Human hearts are fickle and complicated things, after all... Even if you want them to feel a certain way, or you wish to react to them in a certain way, they won't always listen.
[Or often listen, honestly... HEARTS!!!! His mortal enemy.]
Navigating the difficulties of the heart is simply a part of being alive.
[It is one of the many reasons why like 90% of the time he simply doesn't want to be. He has a few more little tethers now, but Buzen is always the biggest one.
THEIR MEMORY ATTACKS HELP Matsui just nods at this, though.]
Yes. Let's.
[He'll let go of her hand just long enough to push himself back to his feet, and then extend it out again.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I see. [time traveling power ranger swords vs. the evil ooze] That is noble. But you did not ask to do it, right?
[...] And you do anyway.
no subject
There's a little bit of hesitation at that. He didn't ask to be pulled from the primordial ooze of godhood and into a human flesh sack, but he had still reached back when others reached for him.]
...They asked for my aid. I couldn't turn them away - especially not for this.
[He may not hold any great love for humans in the way Buzen does, but he doesn't hate them, either. They're a tragic thing, in his eyes. Protecting them from themselves is what he's always done.]
no subject
I admire you, Matsui.
no subject
...That is kind... But I'm not an admirable thing.
[That's Buzen, who he'll wax poetic about until the sun falls out of the sky. He's just doing his best crawling through the world, always a hair's breadth from packing his bags and dipping the heck back outtie.]
no subject
But helping, even when you'd rather be done, is something that I'd like to do. [she doesn't mean to make him uncomfortable or anything, she just thinks - continuing on because people need you is something she wants to copy.]
no subject
His head lowers a little at that, and the hand in hers tightens its grip just barely, somewhat on reflex.]
...If that's what you wish to do, then I believe that you can. Even if it's a difficult thing - and it will be, likely. At times, at least.
[Matsui out here like I SURE HOPE SHENHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE DONE AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO BE DONE.]
no subject
she kind of - brushes her thumb against his hand. it's a move that's been done to her. sometimes she's more of a mockingbird than a crane.]
I've experienced it already. [LIKE YEAH MAYBE NOT AS MUCH AS MATSUI but - there was an amount of time when she woke up here that she wanted to go crawl into a hole and become one with the earth.]
The difficulty, I mean. But it is... getting easier. You, and Buzen, and Rin have made it easier. Rang and Count D in their own ways.
no subject
Matsui is a little surprised by the gesture, if only because it's one he's familiar with from Buzen more than anyone else. It's something he finds an automatic comfort accordingly, though. After a beat, there's a faint flicker of a smile, grateful, there and gone in a blink.
There's a little melancholy soon after. Life and love go hand in hand with difficulty and pain, which he knows well. He still has the very human desire to shield others from those unpleasant things, even so.]
...I am glad. It-- is easier, somewhat, with others. When you don't have to walk the path alone, it doesn't always feel quite so heavy.
no subject
she smiles a little back at him, something faint, and then opens her mouth like she's going to reply but instead another pig shoots past at mach fuck.
and instead of speaking, she just grits her teeth.]
no subject
Well.
It puts some things into perspective, that's for sure! He recognizes so many parts of this, and the parts that he doesn't recognize helps other things slot into place. The cruelty of life bears down on all who walk any version of a world, it seems... And - because such actions are impossibly human, the things this father has done in his madness and grief - it seems that humanity, too, is cursed to bear the same weights anywhere it goes.
It's a sorrowful thing. A tragic thing. The cyclical wheel of death and birth and survival is ceaseless and unchanging.
Matsui blinks away the memory and almost immediately looks toward Shenhe, also silent. The hand in hers gives a very gentle squeeze.]
...I am sorry for the intrusion. [...] I am sorry that you came to know these things.
no subject
she sighs out slow.]
It's... alright. [she doesn't mind that he's seen it. she figures that he knew some of it already, that she's explained enough to him, so it doesn't feel as bad as it might otherwise.]
I've been unlearning some of these things, while I've been here, I think.
[slowly but surely learning how to trust people, and how to let them in.]
no subject
As Matsui watches her face, there's something in his expression that softens a little. Though he ultimately views humanity as a doomed tragedy, he can recognize the beauty in things like this, too. The resilience. The ability to unlearn harmful things, and learn anew how to live well.]
It must be somewhat frightening... [Letting those changes happen, after this. Letting people in again.] ...But I am glad, if you've been able to do that.
[Even in a place like this.]
no subject
But once, Wolfwood was angry at me because I told him that I couldn't enjoy the foods here because I wouldn't be able to when I went back, and I felt it. [the fear of disappointing someone.] I felt it when Nahri looked at me like she was scared of me, when I tried to fight Wolfwood.
And I felt it when I heard Buzen had died, for you, and for Rang.
[...]
It translates so easily to anger. I'm trying. You have been very understanding of this.
no subject
The heart is a terrible burden, but pain and love do come in equal measures - that's often the case, at least.]
...Mm. It would be hypocritical if I didn't understand. Human hearts are fickle and complicated things, after all... Even if you want them to feel a certain way, or you wish to react to them in a certain way, they won't always listen.
[Or often listen, honestly... HEARTS!!!! His mortal enemy.]
Navigating the difficulties of the heart is simply a part of being alive.
no subject
[ugh. what if she doesn't want to navigate the difficulties of the heart, though. it was easier before.
she lets that sink in for a bit, and then:]
... I'd like to go to the park, still, if you'd like to go. [they can be attacked by memories more later.]
no subject
[It is one of the many reasons why like 90% of the time he simply doesn't want to be. He has a few more little tethers now, but Buzen is always the biggest one.
THEIR MEMORY ATTACKS HELP Matsui just nods at this, though.]
Yes. Let's.
[He'll let go of her hand just long enough to push himself back to his feet, and then extend it out again.]