she's stopped crying the blood tears, at least, so that's good. she's just sitting here looking down at a book and not really reading it. gerard showing up does get her attention, at least, and she just. starts out with:]
I don't know how to feel about this. [like, she feels a lot. she just doesn't know how to express it. which. gerard probably isn't equipped for it, but.]
[ THAT’S ... GOOD. Maybe. Bookstore is fine, he needs to come look up a book on gun forms anyway. that’s probably a reasonable thing to do right now right. ]
I don’t really either.
[ he is not equipped for this but he can at least be emphathetic. hopefully that helps. ]
She wanted to do this for a long time, I think. Take some agency over it, maybe.
[something in her is angry, like it always is, but. mostly she's feeling scraped clean on the inside. she isn't sure how to identify it, which probably isn't surprising, considering her long history of nothing.]
Gerard. [she starts, after a moment, and stops. and then:] If there were no threat of losing everything - if we did not need your team to survive.
Would you be happy or sad to see them here? Would you be happy, if Ylfa and Haru died?
[ yeah, it seems like a real system shock! not great. not great. ]
... I don’t know.
[ he really doesn’t. it takes him a long bit of thought. ]
I wouldn’t want them in pain. But if there was no way for them to win, knowing that there’s a chance I might never see them again before the end for all us anyway, it might— be worse somehow to not get to say goodbye.
[oooogh WELL. poor gerard has to see the blood tears again because that evokes such a strong emotion in her that she can't keep it back.
it's always been hard for her to relate to other people, to stand in their shoes, but she feels what gerard says so fully that it's like a kick in the gut. to know that the people you love are on the other side, and that they don't know, necessarily, that you're there watching them, rooting for them, worrying over them. a hand up against the glass.]
... It would be. It is. [she says, looking away. she got to say goodbye, but not the way she wanted.]
[ HE’S REALLY STARTING TO ACTUALLY FEAR FOR HER AND THESE BLOOD TEARS MA’AM ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR SHOULD WE HAVE TRIED TO GET NAHRI KILLED
he’ll pull out another mcdonald’s napkin and offer it over to her. but all that said, he does get the strong feeling that they do know - if they didn’t know last week, they’re starting to catch on at least. that they aren’t that far away in the end. ]
[ he knows she’s not trying to guilt him or anything about it. just that it is what it is, and he does feel like he stole something from her. it doesn’t necessarily mean he would go back and choose not to do it in the first place. ]
I understand. You’ll see them soon, okay? It’s almost over. I think no matter who wins, they’ll take you out of here and you’ll get to be with them.
[she brings her hair over her shoulder, and starts to braid it.
it's reassuring. it'll be over soon.]
... You are kinder than you realize, I think. [like yeah, he's a brat sometimes, but so is shenhe. she knows that. she looks up at him.] Does anybody do this sort of kindness for you in return?
... I’m really trying, now. To be different? For a long time I wasn’t trying at all, and I don’t think it’s naturally in me to be kind, so I have to try.
[ he’s kind of wrong though. he’s always been pretty kind. elody wouldn’t have liked him at all in the first place - wouldn’t have even spoken to him - if he wasn’t kind to her. ]
[so... she understands, maybe - in that way where both of them think they are so much worse than they actually are. there's something in them that wants to help, despite everything. a connection to humanity.]
... I mean, do people reassure you like this. That you will see your team again, and that things will turn out okay, for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w5, SATURDAY
she's stopped crying the blood tears, at least, so that's good. she's just sitting here looking down at a book and not really reading it. gerard showing up does get her attention, at least, and she just. starts out with:]
I don't know how to feel about this. [like, she feels a lot. she just doesn't know how to express it. which. gerard probably isn't equipped for it, but.]
no subject
I don’t really either.
[ he is not equipped for this but he can at least be emphathetic. hopefully that helps. ]
She wanted to do this for a long time, I think. Take some agency over it, maybe.
no subject
Gerard. [she starts, after a moment, and stops. and then:] If there were no threat of losing everything - if we did not need your team to survive.
Would you be happy or sad to see them here? Would you be happy, if Ylfa and Haru died?
no subject
... I don’t know.
[ he really doesn’t. it takes him a long bit of thought. ]
I wouldn’t want them in pain. But if there was no way for them to win, knowing that there’s a chance I might never see them again before the end for all us anyway, it might— be worse somehow to not get to say goodbye.
no subject
it's always been hard for her to relate to other people, to stand in their shoes, but she feels what gerard says so fully that it's like a kick in the gut. to know that the people you love are on the other side, and that they don't know, necessarily, that you're there watching them, rooting for them, worrying over them. a hand up against the glass.]
... It would be. It is. [she says, looking away. she got to say goodbye, but not the way she wanted.]
no subject
he’ll pull out another mcdonald’s napkin and offer it over to her. but all that said, he does get the strong feeling that they do know - if they didn’t know last week, they’re starting to catch on at least. that they aren’t that far away in the end. ]
I’m sorry I took that from you.
no subject
she takes the napkin, though, holding it tightly for a long moment before finally bringing it to her eyes.]
I know that you are. [that's true at least.] I don't mean to make you feel guilty.
[it's just sad. she's just sad.]
I voted for my team because of that feeling. [because she wanted to see them again.]
no subject
[ he knows she’s not trying to guilt him or anything about it. just that it is what it is, and he does feel like he stole something from her. it doesn’t necessarily mean he would go back and choose not to do it in the first place. ]
I understand. You’ll see them soon, okay? It’s almost over. I think no matter who wins, they’ll take you out of here and you’ll get to be with them.
no subject
it's reassuring. it'll be over soon.]
... You are kinder than you realize, I think. [like yeah, he's a brat sometimes, but so is shenhe. she knows that. she looks up at him.] Does anybody do this sort of kindness for you in return?
no subject
[ he’s kind of wrong though. he’s always been pretty kind. elody wouldn’t have liked him at all in the first place - wouldn’t have even spoken to him - if he wasn’t kind to her. ]
What do you mean?
no subject
[so... she understands, maybe - in that way where both of them think they are so much worse than they actually are. there's something in them that wants to help, despite everything. a connection to humanity.]
... I mean, do people reassure you like this. That you will see your team again, and that things will turn out okay, for you.