there's a pause, as she moves closer to him. he's a little shorter than she is, so she tries to make herself smaller, leaning a little. her heart hurts, but when she hurt him to express that, it didn't feel great. it was satisfying, for a bit, and then - like the way matsui always complains about, her heavy human heart felt ripped up and sad.
they were friends. she likes to think maybe they are still friends, even though she's angry. she thinks maybe that she can hold them in separate ways, the anger, and the affection. she thinks she can try, when they are in such a horrible situation. when he hurt her to save someone else. when she would do the same thing.
she rests a hand on his shoulder.]
You are still my friend, Gerard.
[she can't tell him what his wife would say, but she can make that clear, at least.]
[ he's really only so short because of the way his back curves, froglike, as his anatomy starts to sink back to a creature that exists on all fours. fairytale princes are tall. but he's maybe standing somewhat straighter today.
but anyway he really will probably cry at that, actually. thanks! the frog emotions. he hadn't at all, not through all of this, not when ylfa had told him goodbye, and not when haru had begged him not to go. not alex, through tears, asking him to tell her if things like justice and fairness and true love are even possible for people like them. not luo whenzhou showing kindness to the man who took something - someone - so deeply important from him.
but this does. maybe it's just the breaking point. his voice is tight, small and embarrassing, froggish. ]
I told Nahri that I wasn't sure that I could be kind, here. But so many people came to me over the weeks, and they sat with me, and they... [a pause. she struggles for a second.] They have treated me like a person. And that has meant more to me than I think I can reasonably express with words.
So I told Nahri that I would try. I'm not built for it. But if the people here can extend a hand to me and treat me like I belong, then I can do my best for you, too.
[she squeezes his shoulder a little. a monster can relate to a monster, even when they're not really monsters at all.]
[ its sort of the cosmic joke of the whole thing. that theyre just two people who have convinced themselves they're monsters, when in fact they're just regular old humans with trauma. isn't that always the story. ]
You don't have to be perfect. I don't think that's-- that's not real.
[ its like true love, or fairness, or justice. fairytale concepts. love isn't something that just happens to you without your will that will never change shape, and fairness isn't inherent to the universe, you have to make it fair. justice is something you have to find for yourself. its the only way the scales will ever balance. ]
[you don't have to be perfect. you can just try, and that's enough. and that's true, too - fairness isn't inherent to the universe. bad things happen, and there's nothing you can do to stop them. you just have to do what you can to make them better, with the tools you have.
which, speaking of the universe being unfair, have a memory back:
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.]
[ are you sure you're not a fairytale shenhe because horrible things happening to children that don't deserve it is a staple of the genre.
he's very quiet for a bit. he thinks about himself, alone in the pond, ten years old and wondering if his parents even care where he was - and the monster there was just a bird, a regular heron, but he knows the feeling of fear when you're small and something terrifying and inexhaustible wants to consume you.
and he thinks about ylfa. but maybe that's not his story to tell. ]
... You didn't deserve that.
[ its the best thing he can think of to say, really. words kind of fail here. but he knows he thinks he deserves the horrible things that happened to him. he can see some of that in her too. and maybe someone should say that. no child deserves this. ]
[that means that homestuck is also a fairytale by that definition. anyway, she's a little bit of a story, yeah - she has her own opera and everything. close enough. close enough.
she breathes out slow.]
Thank you. [it's what she's defaulted to saying. it's easiest. she tucks her hair behind her ear.] I... I don't think that I did either.
[not as much as she used to, anyway.]
I never spoke to Ylfa about her past much, but even so. I think there is a reason I liked the two of you so much even at the start.
[they have similar threads, weaving tales with tragedy and no real good ending. just open space.]
[ homestuck is a fairytale and the lesson it teaches you at the end is dont believe hussie's lies ]
Okay, good.
[ genuine. he's pretty glad to hear she doesn't think that. ]
I'd heard her say things about it before, but I guess I wasn't ... really listening. [ `I very much so appreciate that, Gerard, but I did blow my family away, and in this timeline, I killed a huntsman.` ] I saw it, this time.
She really admires you. I think you're a lot alike, and um-- you know. More alike than she and I. In the good ways. You're brave. You stand up for people. You take care of those around you. She'll be glad to see you again.
[weh. this makes her sad, and it's clear that it does.]
I didn't, before I came here. [any of those things, she didn't stand up for people or care about them, not really, not until the traveler came along. that was the start. and then she got here, and people were so kind to her, and - she felt like she needed to. i've never thought this way before, and i wonder whether i will continue to think this way, she'd said to yun jin, standing in the remains of her village.
turns out she had. she just needed a little push.]
I think you could be good in those ways, if you tried. [she says, watching him.] I think that you are. It takes someone brave to be willing to take on the role of the villain, the way you have.
[ he flinches a bit at "role of the villain" because, yeah. yeah he sure did. its very far from what his story is supposed to be, isn't it? fairytale princes don't go around murdering their friends for life points. but they probably aren't friends with little wolf girls and feral crane women in the first place either. ]
If I've done all of this, it can't be for nothing. It's very important to me that you get to return to life. Be with Nahri and see Ylfa and your team.
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no subject
there's a pause, as she moves closer to him. he's a little shorter than she is, so she tries to make herself smaller, leaning a little. her heart hurts, but when she hurt him to express that, it didn't feel great. it was satisfying, for a bit, and then - like the way matsui always complains about, her heavy human heart felt ripped up and sad.
they were friends. she likes to think maybe they are still friends, even though she's angry. she thinks maybe that she can hold them in separate ways, the anger, and the affection. she thinks she can try, when they are in such a horrible situation. when he hurt her to save someone else. when she would do the same thing.
she rests a hand on his shoulder.]
You are still my friend, Gerard.
[she can't tell him what his wife would say, but she can make that clear, at least.]
no subject
but anyway he really will probably cry at that, actually. thanks! the frog emotions. he hadn't at all, not through all of this, not when ylfa had told him goodbye, and not when haru had begged him not to go. not alex, through tears, asking him to tell her if things like justice and fairness and true love are even possible for people like them. not luo whenzhou showing kindness to the man who took something - someone - so deeply important from him.
but this does. maybe it's just the breaking point. his voice is tight, small and embarrassing, froggish. ]
I dont know that I deserve that, but-- thank you.
no subject
[before she was erased.]
I told Nahri that I wasn't sure that I could be kind, here. But so many people came to me over the weeks, and they sat with me, and they... [a pause. she struggles for a second.] They have treated me like a person. And that has meant more to me than I think I can reasonably express with words.
So I told Nahri that I would try. I'm not built for it. But if the people here can extend a hand to me and treat me like I belong, then I can do my best for you, too.
[she squeezes his shoulder a little. a monster can relate to a monster, even when they're not really monsters at all.]
I will falter, but for now... you're welcome.
no subject
You don't have to be perfect. I don't think that's-- that's not real.
[ its like true love, or fairness, or justice. fairytale concepts. love isn't something that just happens to you without your will that will never change shape, and fairness isn't inherent to the universe, you have to make it fair. justice is something you have to find for yourself. its the only way the scales will ever balance. ]
no subject
[you don't have to be perfect. you can just try, and that's enough. and that's true, too - fairness isn't inherent to the universe. bad things happen, and there's nothing you can do to stop them. you just have to do what you can to make them better, with the tools you have.
which, speaking of the universe being unfair, have a memory back:
no subject
he's very quiet for a bit. he thinks about himself, alone in the pond, ten years old and wondering if his parents even care where he was - and the monster there was just a bird, a regular heron, but he knows the feeling of fear when you're small and something terrifying and inexhaustible wants to consume you.
and he thinks about ylfa. but maybe that's not his story to tell. ]
... You didn't deserve that.
[ its the best thing he can think of to say, really. words kind of fail here. but he knows he thinks he deserves the horrible things that happened to him. he can see some of that in her too. and maybe someone should say that. no child deserves this. ]
no subject
she breathes out slow.]
Thank you. [it's what she's defaulted to saying. it's easiest. she tucks her hair behind her ear.] I... I don't think that I did either.
[not as much as she used to, anyway.]
I never spoke to Ylfa about her past much, but even so. I think there is a reason I liked the two of you so much even at the start.
[they have similar threads, weaving tales with tragedy and no real good ending. just open space.]
no subject
Okay, good.
[ genuine. he's pretty glad to hear she doesn't think that. ]
I'd heard her say things about it before, but I guess I wasn't ... really listening. [ `I very much so appreciate that, Gerard, but I did blow my family away, and in this timeline, I killed a huntsman.` ] I saw it, this time.
She really admires you. I think you're a lot alike, and um-- you know. More alike than she and I. In the good ways. You're brave. You stand up for people. You take care of those around you. She'll be glad to see you again.
no subject
I didn't, before I came here. [any of those things, she didn't stand up for people or care about them, not really, not until the traveler came along. that was the start. and then she got here, and people were so kind to her, and - she felt like she needed to. i've never thought this way before, and i wonder whether i will continue to think this way, she'd said to yun jin, standing in the remains of her village.
turns out she had. she just needed a little push.]
I think you could be good in those ways, if you tried. [she says, watching him.] I think that you are. It takes someone brave to be willing to take on the role of the villain, the way you have.
[...] You seem sure that she will see me again.
no subject
If I've done all of this, it can't be for nothing. It's very important to me that you get to return to life. Be with Nahri and see Ylfa and your team.
no subject
when he tells her that, she finally smiles a little.]
... I will try to be as sure as you. [she wants that, but also:] So that you can see Ylfa again, too, and that all of your team will be reunited.