[she tilts her head at him like she's asking him the same question, but he says he's not sure where to start, and she settles a little closer. she can't touch him, but she still wants to be close.]
Do you want to talk about how you felt in your letters? I know that isn't easy, when it's face to face.
[ he doesn't mind that she's closer, even if he does look a little conflicted about the question. ]
...I don't think most of how I felt has changed. Maybe the intensity, or what the focus is, but most of it is the same. I still feel like there hasn't been a good solution to most of what's going on or what's happened. Most of it still feels like "here are these explanations and a potential solution, but nothing can change what happened." Which makes sense. You can't actually change the past.
But it also feels kind of shitty to know that when it's questionable how much of the future we can change either. Does that make sense?
You're like the second or third person who has told me this. But you're easier to believe than some of the others. [ mostly because it's shenhe and he still has a bias.
the question throws him off a little though. ]
...you mean besides whatever home's supposed to be? Yeah, maybe. It's...I mean we've been dead this long. Not going back won't really change anything anyway. It's not like I was really home for the last several months before this happened either. [ and yet. ] I'd rather send Alex somewhere else though if it could only be one of us.
[she doesn't see the point, a lot. so - maybe that's why it's easier, she thinks.]
... I will not ask more about Alex, because it isn't my business. I'd like her to tell me more, if she would. But. [she glances at jonas.] If there is a way to bring you and Alex somewhere, then you can come with me.
I know you don't. That's the whole point. [ that was the whole reaeson he and shenhe got along.
he doesn't seem to care if it's alex's business or not, he's still mad. ]
We had talked about it. If we could visit other places. She said Teyvat was the world she'd want to go to most. She had talked about Sumeru, but she told me what she saw of Liyue. [ ... ] The offer is appreciated. I don't know what she'd say. I'm not sure I care. I'd want her to go.
[a little nod. sumeru is honestly probably the nicest place for teenagers to live in, and shenhe thinks - if she makes it back, if they can make this work, she'll spend a lot of time there, too. liyue is her home, but she loves kaveh and nahida enough to leave the mountains.]
Nahida would find you both a home. I could speak with Lady Ningguang, or have the Traveler do so. [...] There are a lot of people that I hope to offer this to, but you and Alex were always at the top of the list.
[ mm...this makes sense, he thinks. he doesn't say anything for a moment, seemingly thinking this over. ]
...it's. Um. It's a nice offer. Thanks, Shenhe. [ but... ] Would that overcomplicate things? Going somewhere completely different. I don't even know how we'd accomplish doing it in the first place, it was just...you know, like a dream? Or a thought or. Whatever. Whatever you want to call it, just a thing you think about sometimes when shit absolutely sucks and nothing seems like it'll actually change even when we do win the game.
[ he seems to think he's talking too much though and he goes quiet again. ]
...the point is. I appreciate it and I know she would, too.
... Hm. [she hesitates, and then sighs. watches him, like - she wants to say something else, and then changes her mind.]
I think. [she starts, tucking her hair behind her ear.] I think that happiness is easier to reach than you're assuming. Like I said - I wouldn't entertain the thought if I knew that it would only hurt to think about.
... You'll be alright, Jonas. She will too. I'm going to make sure of it.
...I don't doubt you, so don't take it like that. But if it doesn't happen for one reason or another, I won't be upset and I won't blame you. [ the thing about it is, yeah, he wants to believe it's possible but also he is used to disappointment of various degrees. ]
If anything though, I'd like you to prioritize your happiness first. No matter what happens to me and Alex it'll be...whatever's supposed to happen. I guess. You just mentioned there's a lot of people you'd like to offer this to, so if there's a limitation, focus on those people, too.
well he is. himself. so. he is focusing on the first thing before he'll go back to the second. ]
...whatever it is you want to say, Shenhe, you may as well come out with it. It'll be easier for both of us. [ but he does give her a tiny grin. it's fine? ]
...understandable. There's still a lot to do and a lot we need to be careful about. I don't blame you for still being cautious. [ and now...to the second. ] Does it bother you that people are dedicated to their duty?
[she - doesn't know how to answer that. she isn't good at thinking through why she feels a certain way, just that she does, and that she's not supposed to. there's still guilt there for feeling at all.
she's quiet for a bit, and then:] I've found what makes me happy. I haven't had anything make me feel happy since I was very young.
If I have to be selfless, it means that I have to go back to being unhappy. Or - not even that. Just nothing at all.
[ yeah see he has this exact thing with alex, too, where he asks her to explain how she's feeling and the response is usually :nyeh: and fumbled through. so he doesn't mind waiting for an answer, leaning against the tree and watching her quietly. ]
...and happiness for you is being with other people in this case? And I assume seeing them happy. Making them happy.
Yes. [surprisingly. she doesn't like crowds, she doesn't like the public, but she likes people. she likes the one on one. she likes holding matsui's hand, and sharing a donut with vash, and watching fei du play games in companionable silence, and seeing how far she can push wolfwood before he gets mad. she likes dancing, she likes music, she likes sharing both with nahri in an empty diner in the middle of the afterlife.
she likes the way that alex's face lit up when she suggested they vandalize a building. she likes lambda and rang both getting flustered when she tells them that she cares about them. she likes tucking rin's hair behind his ear and watching him smile, she likes when kaveh and nahida laugh. she liked the way jonas crawled up into a tree with her and promised not to smoke around her.
these are all little flickering, half-imagined thoughts. a life worth living, even when you're dead.
she never had that before coming here.]
I didn't realize how much feeling human meant... connecting with others.
[ it makes sense. he can understand that. and he could agree with that. he doesn't quite catch on to all of the half-imagined thoughts but he can get a sense. ]
That's the whole point of being human, you know? Being able to take care of other people and have them care back and all of that. Connecting with other people is what forces us to feel the full range of emotions. Good and bad.
... My master warned me that it would be like this. [that she should refrain, just in case, but - cloud retainer also had told her that someday, she'd be able to rejoin human society. so...]
I could never feel it, because of my ropes. But now... [she rubs her face a little.] I want.
Then try to take what you can get. [ just as simply.
"I wanted it to get better. For you. And I wish I could make sure it gets better, myself. But it'd be worse to cut yourself off just so things hurt less later."
. . . ]
There's always a risk of things going wrong, but it's not like you can just preemptively cut yourself off from everything just in case. [ the words are a little quiet and stilted, but still sincere. ]
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no subject
Do you want to talk about how you felt in your letters? I know that isn't easy, when it's face to face.
no subject
...I don't think most of how I felt has changed. Maybe the intensity, or what the focus is, but most of it is the same. I still feel like there hasn't been a good solution to most of what's going on or what's happened. Most of it still feels like "here are these explanations and a potential solution, but nothing can change what happened." Which makes sense. You can't actually change the past.
But it also feels kind of shitty to know that when it's questionable how much of the future we can change either. Does that make sense?
no subject
It does. [...] I think that you should be optimistic about the future. I wouldn't tell you this if I thought that it wasn't worth it.
[a pause.] If you could go somewhere else after all this, Jonas, would you?
no subject
You're like the second or third person who has told me this. But you're easier to believe than some of the others. [ mostly because it's shenhe and he still has a bias.
the question throws him off a little though. ]
...you mean besides whatever home's supposed to be? Yeah, maybe. It's...I mean we've been dead this long. Not going back won't really change anything anyway. It's not like I was really home for the last several months before this happened either. [ and yet. ] I'd rather send Alex somewhere else though if it could only be one of us.
no subject
[she doesn't see the point, a lot. so - maybe that's why it's easier, she thinks.]
... I will not ask more about Alex, because it isn't my business. I'd like her to tell me more, if she would. But. [she glances at jonas.] If there is a way to bring you and Alex somewhere, then you can come with me.
You don't have to. But I am offering.
no subject
he doesn't seem to care if it's alex's business or not, he's still mad. ]
We had talked about it. If we could visit other places. She said Teyvat was the world she'd want to go to most. She had talked about Sumeru, but she told me what she saw of Liyue. [ ... ] The offer is appreciated. I don't know what she'd say. I'm not sure I care. I'd want her to go.
[ and he'd obviously go with her, in that case. ]
no subject
Nahida would find you both a home. I could speak with Lady Ningguang, or have the Traveler do so. [...] There are a lot of people that I hope to offer this to, but you and Alex were always at the top of the list.
no subject
...it's. Um. It's a nice offer. Thanks, Shenhe. [ but... ] Would that overcomplicate things? Going somewhere completely different. I don't even know how we'd accomplish doing it in the first place, it was just...you know, like a dream? Or a thought or. Whatever. Whatever you want to call it, just a thing you think about sometimes when shit absolutely sucks and nothing seems like it'll actually change even when we do win the game.
[ he seems to think he's talking too much though and he goes quiet again. ]
...the point is. I appreciate it and I know she would, too.
no subject
... Hm. [she hesitates, and then sighs. watches him, like - she wants to say something else, and then changes her mind.]
I think. [she starts, tucking her hair behind her ear.] I think that happiness is easier to reach than you're assuming. Like I said - I wouldn't entertain the thought if I knew that it would only hurt to think about.
... You'll be alright, Jonas. She will too. I'm going to make sure of it.
no subject
...I don't doubt you, so don't take it like that. But if it doesn't happen for one reason or another, I won't be upset and I won't blame you. [ the thing about it is, yeah, he wants to believe it's possible but also he is used to disappointment of various degrees. ]
If anything though, I'd like you to prioritize your happiness first. No matter what happens to me and Alex it'll be...whatever's supposed to happen. I guess. You just mentioned there's a lot of people you'd like to offer this to, so if there's a limitation, focus on those people, too.
no subject
None of them will take it. [she's like. very sure of this.] Everybody is too dedicated to duty.
no subject
well he is. himself. so. he is focusing on the first thing before he'll go back to the second. ]
...whatever it is you want to say, Shenhe, you may as well come out with it. It'll be easier for both of us. [ but he does give her a tiny grin. it's fine? ]
no subject
I can't. There are still some things I can't tell you, even if we're able to speak again. [...] I don't want to ruin things. So I won't.
no subject
...understandable. There's still a lot to do and a lot we need to be careful about. I don't blame you for still being cautious. [ and now...to the second. ] Does it bother you that people are dedicated to their duty?
no subject
but she'll answer.]
Yes. [she says this almost like she's pouting.] I am sick of being selfless for the greater good.
no subject
Why is that? What about it bothers you so much? [ no judgment, just thoughtful inquiries. ]
no subject
she's quiet for a bit, and then:] I've found what makes me happy. I haven't had anything make me feel happy since I was very young.
If I have to be selfless, it means that I have to go back to being unhappy. Or - not even that. Just nothing at all.
no subject
...and happiness for you is being with other people in this case? And I assume seeing them happy. Making them happy.
no subject
she likes the way that alex's face lit up when she suggested they vandalize a building. she likes lambda and rang both getting flustered when she tells them that she cares about them. she likes tucking rin's hair behind his ear and watching him smile, she likes when kaveh and nahida laugh. she liked the way jonas crawled up into a tree with her and promised not to smoke around her.
these are all little flickering, half-imagined thoughts. a life worth living, even when you're dead.
she never had that before coming here.]
I didn't realize how much feeling human meant... connecting with others.
no subject
That's the whole point of being human, you know? Being able to take care of other people and have them care back and all of that. Connecting with other people is what forces us to feel the full range of emotions. Good and bad.
no subject
... My master warned me that it would be like this. [that she should refrain, just in case, but - cloud retainer also had told her that someday, she'd be able to rejoin human society. so...]
I could never feel it, because of my ropes. But now... [she rubs her face a little.] I want.
[just, simply. she wants.]
no subject
Then try to take what you can get. [ just as simply.
"I wanted it to get better. For you. And I wish I could make sure it gets better, myself. But it'd be worse to cut yourself off just so things hurt less later."
. . . ]
There's always a risk of things going wrong, but it's not like you can just preemptively cut yourself off from everything just in case. [ the words are a little quiet and stilted, but still sincere. ]