well he is. himself. so. he is focusing on the first thing before he'll go back to the second. ]
...whatever it is you want to say, Shenhe, you may as well come out with it. It'll be easier for both of us. [ but he does give her a tiny grin. it's fine? ]
...understandable. There's still a lot to do and a lot we need to be careful about. I don't blame you for still being cautious. [ and now...to the second. ] Does it bother you that people are dedicated to their duty?
[she - doesn't know how to answer that. she isn't good at thinking through why she feels a certain way, just that she does, and that she's not supposed to. there's still guilt there for feeling at all.
she's quiet for a bit, and then:] I've found what makes me happy. I haven't had anything make me feel happy since I was very young.
If I have to be selfless, it means that I have to go back to being unhappy. Or - not even that. Just nothing at all.
[ yeah see he has this exact thing with alex, too, where he asks her to explain how she's feeling and the response is usually :nyeh: and fumbled through. so he doesn't mind waiting for an answer, leaning against the tree and watching her quietly. ]
...and happiness for you is being with other people in this case? And I assume seeing them happy. Making them happy.
Yes. [surprisingly. she doesn't like crowds, she doesn't like the public, but she likes people. she likes the one on one. she likes holding matsui's hand, and sharing a donut with vash, and watching fei du play games in companionable silence, and seeing how far she can push wolfwood before he gets mad. she likes dancing, she likes music, she likes sharing both with nahri in an empty diner in the middle of the afterlife.
she likes the way that alex's face lit up when she suggested they vandalize a building. she likes lambda and rang both getting flustered when she tells them that she cares about them. she likes tucking rin's hair behind his ear and watching him smile, she likes when kaveh and nahida laugh. she liked the way jonas crawled up into a tree with her and promised not to smoke around her.
these are all little flickering, half-imagined thoughts. a life worth living, even when you're dead.
she never had that before coming here.]
I didn't realize how much feeling human meant... connecting with others.
[ it makes sense. he can understand that. and he could agree with that. he doesn't quite catch on to all of the half-imagined thoughts but he can get a sense. ]
That's the whole point of being human, you know? Being able to take care of other people and have them care back and all of that. Connecting with other people is what forces us to feel the full range of emotions. Good and bad.
... My master warned me that it would be like this. [that she should refrain, just in case, but - cloud retainer also had told her that someday, she'd be able to rejoin human society. so...]
I could never feel it, because of my ropes. But now... [she rubs her face a little.] I want.
Then try to take what you can get. [ just as simply.
"I wanted it to get better. For you. And I wish I could make sure it gets better, myself. But it'd be worse to cut yourself off just so things hurt less later."
. . . ]
There's always a risk of things going wrong, but it's not like you can just preemptively cut yourself off from everything just in case. [ the words are a little quiet and stilted, but still sincere. ]
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None of them will take it. [she's like. very sure of this.] Everybody is too dedicated to duty.
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well he is. himself. so. he is focusing on the first thing before he'll go back to the second. ]
...whatever it is you want to say, Shenhe, you may as well come out with it. It'll be easier for both of us. [ but he does give her a tiny grin. it's fine? ]
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I can't. There are still some things I can't tell you, even if we're able to speak again. [...] I don't want to ruin things. So I won't.
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...understandable. There's still a lot to do and a lot we need to be careful about. I don't blame you for still being cautious. [ and now...to the second. ] Does it bother you that people are dedicated to their duty?
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but she'll answer.]
Yes. [she says this almost like she's pouting.] I am sick of being selfless for the greater good.
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Why is that? What about it bothers you so much? [ no judgment, just thoughtful inquiries. ]
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she's quiet for a bit, and then:] I've found what makes me happy. I haven't had anything make me feel happy since I was very young.
If I have to be selfless, it means that I have to go back to being unhappy. Or - not even that. Just nothing at all.
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...and happiness for you is being with other people in this case? And I assume seeing them happy. Making them happy.
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she likes the way that alex's face lit up when she suggested they vandalize a building. she likes lambda and rang both getting flustered when she tells them that she cares about them. she likes tucking rin's hair behind his ear and watching him smile, she likes when kaveh and nahida laugh. she liked the way jonas crawled up into a tree with her and promised not to smoke around her.
these are all little flickering, half-imagined thoughts. a life worth living, even when you're dead.
she never had that before coming here.]
I didn't realize how much feeling human meant... connecting with others.
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That's the whole point of being human, you know? Being able to take care of other people and have them care back and all of that. Connecting with other people is what forces us to feel the full range of emotions. Good and bad.
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... My master warned me that it would be like this. [that she should refrain, just in case, but - cloud retainer also had told her that someday, she'd be able to rejoin human society. so...]
I could never feel it, because of my ropes. But now... [she rubs her face a little.] I want.
[just, simply. she wants.]
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Then try to take what you can get. [ just as simply.
"I wanted it to get better. For you. And I wish I could make sure it gets better, myself. But it'd be worse to cut yourself off just so things hurt less later."
. . . ]
There's always a risk of things going wrong, but it's not like you can just preemptively cut yourself off from everything just in case. [ the words are a little quiet and stilted, but still sincere. ]