[ the rot feeling is familiar, because it's one fei du lives with every day of his life. as he pulls up another flower, carefully twisting the base so he can set it in a stem, the request comes, and he tilts his head just so to look at her. there's a slight feeling in his emotions - something understanding. ]
Sure.
[ he takes a sheet of paper off of the stack, and passes it over to her. ]
It's pretty easy, once you get the hang of it. Start off by folding it in half, horizontally... and then vertically.
[ and will pull a fresh piece for himself to demonstrate. ]
[there's something understanding from him, and she hates that it's like that, but... it's nice to have someone who gets it. nothing changes, though. she still feels like she's disintegrating, pieces flaking off.
but she watches. she pays attention, stubbornly.
she lifts her head off his shoulder so she can try to follow along, her movements stuttery, stopping and starting. not to pull a fei du, but after today, after watching matsui die and rang follow, she's joining the disassociation club, unable to focus fully on more than just the folding.]
[ see, that, more than anything, is the familiar. it's the sensation of not being in your body, like you've just given up on functioning because you simply cannot handle anything else. it happens to fei du all the time, every time he sees too much blood, every time he faces a corpse sitting on a table in that damn mcdonalds. it was all he did the thursday when he vanished, too.
he watches her, for a moment, as he carefully adjusts the folds on his own, and leans over to follow hers - after he gives the next set of instructions, he moves to hold the corner for her to make sure a fold stays even. ]
giving up on functioning really is the way it feels - like she's had too much emotion and it's shorted her out. it hasn't ever happened to her before, really, she's... well, not well-adjusted, but most of her life has been peaceful. she hasn't lost people like this - she hasn't had people to lose like this.
she hasn't felt this much emotion in years and years, and it's like constantly getting hit with an ocean wave, like she's getting washed away.
[ me like i'm too goddamn lazy to keep talking through the folding but he guides her hands carefully, paying close attention to the feeling of shenhe's emotions. in some ways, it's easier like this; having the access to the tumult of shenhe's lets him focus on being the void in his own.
the corner of his mouth lifts - it's not a happy smile, but one in recognition, maybe. ]
...I did too. [ as he crisply folds another paper, bending the petals into shape. ] And I'd hoped that... well. It seemed like it might not end the way I thought it was going to, at first.
[ matsui didn't turn the blade on himself, after all. ]
[she keeps following his folding, absently. she's almost not even really paying attention to it. she's just. doing it.]
Mm. [she'd been worried that he would kill libby, and then immediately stab himself, so. at least it seemed like he'd try, for a moment. that was enough to make her have hope. and then it was ripped away, violently.
she pauses in folding.]
I can't forgive her. [she says, quietly. honestly. just... just so fei du knows.]
I know. [ he'd be surprised if anyone did, really. ] I don't think anyone expects you to.
[ he knows, too, it could get worse. he knows there's a giant target painted on the back of sweet theory, now, but he doesn't say it. he doesn't say what feels like it could be inevitable - there's a not small chance i'll be the next one dead.
instead, he just focuses on the folding, very carefully pressing down to make a squash fold. focuses on keeping his emotions taut and giving shenhe somewhere to pour hers. ]
[it's funny - she doesn't blame any of them but libby. and if anybody else does, she'd be surprised. she'd been the same way, with count d. she hadn't blamed any of the other members of bdsm because even if they'd known, it's not like they could've said anything.
she knows the rules. she knows the game. and she thinks that if she were to kill someone, her team wouldn't throw her under the bus, either, if they knew. she understands the way this is played.
she wonders if anybody else thinks like her. or if she's just too pragmatic in that sense. if she's different with this, like she's different with everything else. if she's setting up to lose another person she cares about.
shenhe is silent, for a bit. that sensation of wanting to cry is still there, but it's fading, slowly. there's just exhaustion left over by the time she finishes folding.
she rests her head back on fei du's shoulder.]
I'm not angry with you. [she says, staring down at her work.] Stay. Please.
I think we established that yesterday, with the fireball.
[ he says, with a hint of humor to his tone, a soft joke. he doesn't dislodge shenhe; in fact, after a moment, he shifts to tilt his head to rest on top of hers.
in the end, that's the kind of person he is. someone willing to give it all for the people who he cares about. someone willing to be the bad guy to make sure those who suffer stay safe. but, he can feel shenhe's suffering the same way he feels luo wenzhou's, the kind of thing that shakes him up and reminds him of the guilt of a life it feels like he long since threw away. ]
...I'll try my best. [ an honest answer. fei du isn't one for honesty - he's full of platitudes, especially for pretty girls, sympathy and sweetness, but with shenhe, it's different. he'll try his best, because he knows there's no preventing it. he knows if he's chosen as a target, there's hardly any chance he'll survive. he's not a fighter. he's weak at the sight of blood. it'd be a done deal.
... but he has things to live for, and fei du chooses freedom over wanting to die. ] I will.
[she gives him a little spark of fire, at that. just a burst that runs over her fingers. a warning. but she doesn't move, when he rests his head against her own.
try is all she can ask for. she can't teach him how to fight, how to not recoil at the sight of blood. so she just has to take what she can.]
I will try my best as well. [she murmurs.] Thank you.
[not just for that, but for letting her try and find her way back to being human for a while, safely.]
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no subject
Sure.
[ he takes a sheet of paper off of the stack, and passes it over to her. ]
It's pretty easy, once you get the hang of it. Start off by folding it in half, horizontally... and then vertically.
[ and will pull a fresh piece for himself to demonstrate. ]
no subject
but she watches. she pays attention, stubbornly.
she lifts her head off his shoulder so she can try to follow along, her movements stuttery, stopping and starting. not to pull a fei du, but after today, after watching matsui die and rang follow, she's joining the disassociation club, unable to focus fully on more than just the folding.]
no subject
he watches her, for a moment, as he carefully adjusts the folds on his own, and leans over to follow hers - after he gives the next set of instructions, he moves to hold the corner for her to make sure a fold stays even. ]
Talk to me.
no subject
giving up on functioning really is the way it feels - like she's had too much emotion and it's shorted her out. it hasn't ever happened to her before, really, she's... well, not well-adjusted, but most of her life has been peaceful. she hasn't lost people like this - she hasn't had people to lose like this.
she hasn't felt this much emotion in years and years, and it's like constantly getting hit with an ocean wave, like she's getting washed away.
she folds what he tells her to, and then:]
... I wanted them to stay.
no subject
the corner of his mouth lifts - it's not a happy smile, but one in recognition, maybe. ]
...I did too. [ as he crisply folds another paper, bending the petals into shape. ] And I'd hoped that... well. It seemed like it might not end the way I thought it was going to, at first.
[ matsui didn't turn the blade on himself, after all. ]
no subject
Mm. [she'd been worried that he would kill libby, and then immediately stab himself, so. at least it seemed like he'd try, for a moment. that was enough to make her have hope. and then it was ripped away, violently.
she pauses in folding.]
I can't forgive her. [she says, quietly. honestly. just... just so fei du knows.]
no subject
I know. [ he'd be surprised if anyone did, really. ] I don't think anyone expects you to.
[ he knows, too, it could get worse. he knows there's a giant target painted on the back of sweet theory, now, but he doesn't say it. he doesn't say what feels like it could be inevitable - there's a not small chance i'll be the next one dead.
instead, he just focuses on the folding, very carefully pressing down to make a squash fold. focuses on keeping his emotions taut and giving shenhe somewhere to pour hers. ]
no subject
she knows the rules. she knows the game. and she thinks that if she were to kill someone, her team wouldn't throw her under the bus, either, if they knew. she understands the way this is played.
she wonders if anybody else thinks like her. or if she's just too pragmatic in that sense. if she's different with this, like she's different with everything else. if she's setting up to lose another person she cares about.
shenhe is silent, for a bit. that sensation of wanting to cry is still there, but it's fading, slowly. there's just exhaustion left over by the time she finishes folding.
she rests her head back on fei du's shoulder.]
I'm not angry with you. [she says, staring down at her work.] Stay. Please.
no subject
[ he says, with a hint of humor to his tone, a soft joke. he doesn't dislodge shenhe; in fact, after a moment, he shifts to tilt his head to rest on top of hers.
in the end, that's the kind of person he is. someone willing to give it all for the people who he cares about. someone willing to be the bad guy to make sure those who suffer stay safe. but, he can feel shenhe's suffering the same way he feels luo wenzhou's, the kind of thing that shakes him up and reminds him of the guilt of a life it feels like he long since threw away. ]
...I'll try my best. [ an honest answer. fei du isn't one for honesty - he's full of platitudes, especially for pretty girls, sympathy and sweetness, but with shenhe, it's different. he'll try his best, because he knows there's no preventing it. he knows if he's chosen as a target, there's hardly any chance he'll survive. he's not a fighter. he's weak at the sight of blood. it'd be a done deal.
... but he has things to live for, and fei du chooses freedom over wanting to die. ] I will.
no subject
try is all she can ask for. she can't teach him how to fight, how to not recoil at the sight of blood. so she just has to take what she can.]
I will try my best as well. [she murmurs.] Thank you.
[not just for that, but for letting her try and find her way back to being human for a while, safely.]