[ it is easier because lambda has been looking for it for a while. she holds up some cd that says Tchaikovsky on it, but before she can put on swan lake on, there's an oink?
[play swan lake for her later because i promise she would love it
BUT THERE'S AN OINK and, yeah. yeah, a memory.
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards its mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.
[ oh. this is a memory that hurts her a little more than some others she's seen. to be treated as a curse or evil and to be thrown away and abandoned are something lambda knows too well.
she closes her eyes because it is another reminder of how much she hates humanity and how little there is to redeem humans. the memory is a huge invasion of privacy, but lambda won't pretend she didn't see it. ]
Your father was worse than any monster or cursed child.
[huh. nobody ever really asks her that, so she's thoughtful.]
I'm not sure. [...] If I could speak to him now, I'm not sure what I'd say. Or do. Part of me thinks that I would hurt him, but the other part is certain that I would feel nothing at all about him.
[she's not sure, either. she wants it to be nothing. but the more she lets herself feel things, the more she thinks that maybe all of her decisions she made might need to be reconsidered.]
Do you think hurting him would be the right thing to do? [there's no like, judgement or anything, she's just not entirely sure.]
[ that's an interesting question to ask lambda, who doesn't care whether things are right or wrong, only if they're rational or elegant or beautiful. if it's something that can make her feel, if it's something she can consider worthwhile, that's enough for her. ]
I can't harm the person who created me, but if I could, I think it'd be worth it. Some harms shouldn't be left alone, but I also know how I think and act isn't how everyone should or would.
A lot of people will say it's better to forget him, but he should get a reminder that actions have consequences.
[ help i got sidetracked by yesterday's post. and today's. we really went from maid cafes to plot. ]
I'm not human. I'm an AI.
[ things she doesn't know shenhe may or may not know. and isn't it a good time for a pig noise to come oinking in? wow!
you may choose your format! please change any he/hims to she/hers because i play with the girl protag in mind..... the f/go's protag's default name is ritsuka fujimaru.
but no matter how it goes, there is some static to the memory, a kind of disconnected feeling. it's the feeling of knowing and having this memory but never actually having experienced it. ]
she doesn't exactly know what an AI is, but she can get the gist, especially from this conversation that she sees. it takes her a second to sort of digest it and figure out what she wants to say in return.]
In a sense, I also dance for an audience of one. [she says, finally, tucking her hair behind her ear.] ... And I like those types of humans, too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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meanwhile, lambda is in the classical section, looking for ballet soundtracks. ]
Is that not what you wanted, Shenhe?
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Not exactly, no. [she says, squinting.] I think I liked the music in the diner more.
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[ lambda thinks the lyrics are fine, at least. ]
Should we switch to something more to your tastes?
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What do you like? Yours may be easier.
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a pig noise is here.
holds you at gunpoint for a memory. ]
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BUT THERE'S AN OINK and, yeah. yeah, a memory.
bwuh]
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she closes her eyes because it is another reminder of how much she hates humanity and how little there is to redeem humans. the memory is a huge invasion of privacy, but lambda won't pretend she didn't see it. ]
Your father was worse than any monster or cursed child.
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[she exhales, slowly. she can admit that. she knows that isn't how families should treat each other - it isn't how kind people treat each other.]
He is dead, now, and what he planned didn't work. So I suppose that's appropriate enough.
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Good riddance, but was that enough for you?
[ for closure or whatever else? for anything? ]
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I'm not sure. [...] If I could speak to him now, I'm not sure what I'd say. Or do. Part of me thinks that I would hurt him, but the other part is certain that I would feel nothing at all about him.
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[ but she doesn't know if she has? lambda feels as if something of that magnitude leaves lasting effects. ]
I don't think you'd be wrong for wanting to hurt him or anything else you'd want to do.
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Do you think hurting him would be the right thing to do? [there's no like, judgement or anything, she's just not entirely sure.]
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I can't harm the person who created me, but if I could, I think it'd be worth it. Some harms shouldn't be left alone, but I also know how I think and act isn't how everyone should or would.
A lot of people will say it's better to forget him, but he should get a reminder that actions have consequences.
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[she agrees, finally, tucking her hair behind her ear.]
... The person who created you?
[also give me a memory back rattles]
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I'm not human. I'm an AI.
[ things she doesn't know shenhe may or may not know. and isn't it a good time for a pig noise to come oinking in? wow!
you may choose your format! please change any he/hims to she/hers because i play with the girl protag in mind..... the f/go's protag's default name is ritsuka fujimaru.
video lp! (3:35:30-3:38:15)
text lp! (ctrl+f for "are you hiding something, meltrylls?")
or
manga adaption! which instead of meltryllis reminiscing after her conversation with chaldea's master, it's her sharing her memories with her sister passionlip. (chapter 22.3)
but no matter how it goes, there is some static to the memory, a kind of disconnected feeling. it's the feeling of knowing and having this memory but never actually having experienced it. ]
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she doesn't exactly know what an AI is, but she can get the gist, especially from this conversation that she sees. it takes her a second to sort of digest it and figure out what she wants to say in return.]
In a sense, I also dance for an audience of one. [she says, finally, tucking her hair behind her ear.] ... And I like those types of humans, too.
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Is it you or Nahri?
[ either answers are valid to lambda. both are, too. ]
... Those types of humans are easier to believe in.
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She is one of those humans. Even though she would say she isn't.
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[she tucks her hair behind her ear.] It's what I'd like to be, I think.
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Why do you think you're not like that?
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... I have to try. It doesn't come naturally.
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It's better that you're trying.
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I suppose I should have more confidence in myself. [she does, really, but she can't say she doesn't like hearing it from someone like lambda.]