This effect sure is something. I'm not like the others -- I noticed right away that something was wrong. It's why I asked the Reapers if killing Rin would make it go away.
[there is such a long silence that it seems as if Rang won't say anything at all, then]
It's funny. After everything I've said about killing, how I'd be fine with erasing any of you. I assumed that it'd be my choice.
[slowly, louder.]
I regret that I talked like I understood how this game was played. I regret that I couldn't say anything to you -- you, especially. And I regret that you had to protect me at all, when the answer could have been found any other way. When it could have been really me, and you could have seen the answer.
she has to take a moment to figure out what to say.]
Hm. [is what she settles on finally, but she figures that probably isn't enough. so. she takes a step closer, looking at him. they're the same height, i just realized.]
Why? [she's curious. there's no judgement, no indication if she thinks he's wrong to have done it. she just wants to know his reasoning. the way he works.]
it's all so tangled up, and rang hates it so much. he'd prefer the clear-cut feelings of killing or being killed, of hating and being hated.
not the tangled skein of all of this, his team dragging him down by the ankles, knowing that things can be very simple if he only tries, instead of searching for more excuses,]
...I'm tired of being left behind.
[first rin, and now d,]
That doesn't mean I'll try to rescue him. I just didn't want to a part of the reason why.
[no, that... makes sense to her. she nods a little, tilting her head back to think.]
You will be left behind again, here. It's the nature of this place. [but she thinks he knows that, and it probably doesn't help, so:] ... I understand, though. I wouldn't have done what Matsui and Buzen did, either.
This is why I stood with you, Rang. [...] Because even though you are used to people thinking that you are evil, and even though you encourage it, it hasn't felt true to me since the day you told me about the mountains you used to live in.
[the words tug at something coiled tight in his chest. 'you're more than what you're pretending to be,' despite all evidence to the contrary.
except shenhe had not looked at him with disappointment and grief when he had told her what he'd done to those humans, had not expected him to be a better person in that moment. she had just listened and then seen. if only she had cast her judgement. if only he had kept up the lie. then he could feed his own hatred, and not feel it wick away like water in sand.]
I'd rather be the predator than prey.
[to both being left behind, and to pretending to be the villain]
...That way, it'll hurt less when you have to stand against me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w1, SATURDAY
she just stares at him]
Tell me the truth.
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Who did you vote for?
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... Team Yuneyuze. [a short sigh.]
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That was a surprise. I didn't think Netzach would look so suspicious.
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If it was you, you should have come after me, instead.
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True, the trial wouldn't have been half as messy if I did.
[...]
But then Alex would have been the one suffering.
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[but.] I suppose a child would have been suffering either way.
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This effect sure is something. I'm not like the others -- I noticed right away that something was wrong. It's why I asked the Reapers if killing Rin would make it go away.
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[she says, and - it's an actual laugh, it's a real laugh. it's bitter, and it's mean, but it's a laugh.]
You took advantage of me during trial.
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then]
...I guess I did. I took advantage of everyone.
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[she wonders if there's anything genuine at all. if her fond feelings for someone as inhuman as she feels were just something to be used.]
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[...]
I still made a choice, even if it was out of my hands. I didn't care about fooling the rest...
[but.... he goes silent, then]
But I still did.
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[there's a bit of ice, to that.]
I don't care about everybody else. I want to know if you regret taking advantage of the way I wanted to protect you.
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Would it change anything if I did?
You think I killed him.
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[she tilts her head in his direction.]
To answer your question. Yes. It would change things.
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It's funny. After everything I've said about killing, how I'd be fine with erasing any of you. I assumed that it'd be my choice.
[slowly, louder.]
I regret that I talked like I understood how this game was played. I regret that I couldn't say anything to you -- you, especially. And I regret that you had to protect me at all, when the answer could have been found any other way. When it could have been really me, and you could have seen the answer.
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her heart kind of hurts, after hearing this. she's not sure she understands why.]
... I would've liked for you to have been able to choose. [...] I meant it when I said I would not pin you down, Rang Lee.
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[unlike the others, he thinks. unlike rin. unlike himself, who's lied plenty]
So I'll tell you this. Something I haven't bothered to tell the rest.
[because, why would he, when he doesn't like anyone else? he purses his lips]
I didn't kill Rin. But I knew what happened to him since yesterday night. And unlike Matsui and Buzen, I didn't try to lead you all to the truth.
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she has to take a moment to figure out what to say.]
Hm. [is what she settles on finally, but she figures that probably isn't enough. so. she takes a step closer, looking at him. they're the same height, i just realized.]
Why? [she's curious. there's no judgement, no indication if she thinks he's wrong to have done it. she just wants to know his reasoning. the way he works.]
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it's all so tangled up, and rang hates it so much. he'd prefer the clear-cut feelings of killing or being killed, of hating and being hated.
not the tangled skein of all of this, his team dragging him down by the ankles, knowing that things can be very simple if he only tries, instead of searching for more excuses,]
...I'm tired of being left behind.
[first rin, and now d,]
That doesn't mean I'll try to rescue him. I just didn't want to a part of the reason why.
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You will be left behind again, here. It's the nature of this place. [but she thinks he knows that, and it probably doesn't help, so:] ... I understand, though. I wouldn't have done what Matsui and Buzen did, either.
This is why I stood with you, Rang. [...] Because even though you are used to people thinking that you are evil, and even though you encourage it, it hasn't felt true to me since the day you told me about the mountains you used to live in.
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except shenhe had not looked at him with disappointment and grief when he had told her what he'd done to those humans, had not expected him to be a better person in that moment. she had just listened and then seen. if only she had cast her judgement. if only he had kept up the lie. then he could feed his own hatred, and not feel it wick away like water in sand.]
I'd rather be the predator than prey.
[to both being left behind, and to pretending to be the villain]
...That way, it'll hurt less when you have to stand against me.
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I would also rather be predator than prey. [she says, with a sigh.] And we will have to stand against each other. We aren't on the same team.
Still. I don't see the point in playing the part until I have to. [so... she won't, she thinks.]
It will hurt, pretending differently or no.