[at any other time, he'd laugh -- if he was his normal self. if he and shenhe had not just gone through however many hours of trauma. if he had not seen her cut down the people she loves, and he hadn't needed to do the same.
he takes the washcloth though, and wipes at his face with it. his eyes go to shoydastian in her hands, and he marvels that there is maybe one thing from that whole venture that doesn't spark rage or misery in him, and that's the horse.]
...Shenhe.
[he pauses. he's not sure what he was going to say. if he were stronger, then he'd say something kind or hopeful or encouraging, but he feels bleak, full of misery. he'd never admit this to anyone else who wasn't there, but with shenhe...]
Even though I know it wasn't them... It still feels like we killed them.
[her hands are shaking a little, and she keeps stubbornly trying to hold them still, expression flat. but when he speaks, she looks back at him - her face is less bloody, at least. that's a plus.
she waits, patiently, because she's right there with him. because she doesn't want to close her eyes for fear of seeing broken bodies, red stained across the sand. she feels the same way he does.]
It does. [she agrees, after a moment.] We did.
[there's not a lot that can convince her otherwise. maybe she didn't kill the actual nahri and wolfwood, but she watched their faces as they choked on their own blood. he threw his weapon - himself - at lambda, and felt her die. that's close enough.]
... I don't know how to handle it. [she says, after a moment. her voice is carefully, carefully flat.] I don't know what to do.
[but. she holds out the horse to him, and puts it in his hand.] ... I won't leave you, still. We are both together in this.
[she hasn't smiled since they got back, but - i don't hate that you're here with me makes her lips twitch, just a little. under the grime and blood and memory of her friends mutilated in the dirt, there's something that's still capable of warmth.]
I don't hate that you're here with me, either.
[she's changed, after what they went through, but at least she isn't alone. she isn't lonely.]
I don't... know what I can provide. But if you need anything from me. [she wants to help. she always does, even if that help is horrible.]
[...This is why he thinks the adventure was the worst for Shenhe -- it was terrible for them all, for sure, and while Rang is always in the habit of prioritizing his own pain above anyone else's.... He can't do that now, not when Shenhe, who'd wanted to save them, had been made into a weapon in the end.
He never thought he could see someone else's pain besides his own. Why did it take an insane cyoa for him to realize this, he's not sure.]
You've given plenty. You always have.
[at least, everything that he deserved, then and now. whether it's a punch to a face or a comeback, and now. just this, vibing.
...]
And I'd rather look at you than the others.
[the little hallucinations always at the corner of his eye. he know shenhe can't be a hallucination.]
[being a weapon suited her surprisingly well. she still doesn't quite know how to take it.]
... I am real. [she says, in agreement. maybe not to the first part, because she's not sure about that, but to the second part. she can be a distraction from the worst of the hallucinations.]
So you can look as long as you want, for now. [she brings a hand up to wipe her horrible bloody face, to get the tears away from her.] I can have a use.
[her heart feels cracked open and torn into. having a purpose, even if it's small, feels better. a sword, an axe, who knows her place.]
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he takes the washcloth though, and wipes at his face with it. his eyes go to shoydastian in her hands, and he marvels that there is maybe one thing from that whole venture that doesn't spark rage or misery in him, and that's the horse.]
...Shenhe.
[he pauses. he's not sure what he was going to say. if he were stronger, then he'd say something kind or hopeful or encouraging, but he feels bleak, full of misery. he'd never admit this to anyone else who wasn't there, but with shenhe...]
Even though I know it wasn't them... It still feels like we killed them.
no subject
she waits, patiently, because she's right there with him. because she doesn't want to close her eyes for fear of seeing broken bodies, red stained across the sand. she feels the same way he does.]
It does. [she agrees, after a moment.] We did.
[there's not a lot that can convince her otherwise. maybe she didn't kill the actual nahri and wolfwood, but she watched their faces as they choked on their own blood. he threw his weapon - himself - at lambda, and felt her die. that's close enough.]
... I don't know how to handle it. [she says, after a moment. her voice is carefully, carefully flat.] I don't know what to do.
[but. she holds out the horse to him, and puts it in his hand.] ... I won't leave you, still. We are both together in this.
no subject
He really doesn't know what to do when someone tells them that they won't leave. And in this moment, he wouldn't fault Shenhe if she did.]
I don't know what to do either.
[maybe later, they'll keep it in their hearts until they can't suppress it again,]
...But I don't hate that you're here with me.
[even if maybe the person he is deep inside would have preferred shenhe not to have endured it all in the first place,]
no subject
I don't hate that you're here with me, either.
[she's changed, after what they went through, but at least she isn't alone. she isn't lonely.]
I don't... know what I can provide. But if you need anything from me. [she wants to help. she always does, even if that help is horrible.]
no subject
He never thought he could see someone else's pain besides his own. Why did it take an insane cyoa for him to realize this, he's not sure.]
You've given plenty. You always have.
[at least, everything that he deserved, then and now. whether it's a punch to a face or a comeback, and now. just this, vibing.
...]
And I'd rather look at you than the others.
[the little hallucinations always at the corner of his eye. he know shenhe can't be a hallucination.]
no subject
... I am real. [she says, in agreement. maybe not to the first part, because she's not sure about that, but to the second part. she can be a distraction from the worst of the hallucinations.]
So you can look as long as you want, for now. [she brings a hand up to wipe her horrible bloody face, to get the tears away from her.] I can have a use.
[her heart feels cracked open and torn into. having a purpose, even if it's small, feels better. a sword, an axe, who knows her place.]