[it's not really a laugh, it's too bitter to be one.]
... Funny, that even when it's suppressed, my curse finds a way to hurt those I care about. [...] The others gave me a similar description, but I did not tell them it was the monster I fought as a child.
[congrats you get the lore from the crane's mouth because you're same hat]
[GIRL your CURSE. ALSO HIS LORE. He's quiet for a second, two, three, as his brain tries to click the pieces into place.]
Is this "curse" the reason why you wear those ropes...?
[He's also still trying to figure out what the heckie happened if this is something from Shenhe's past when Shenhe herself wasn't... truly there, apparently.]
[THINKY THINK... He can set aside his trauma to focus on this instead.]
...Perhaps-- it is simply another part of this place. In the same way that the cities we see are meant to resemble locations in the world of the living, maybe it reflects those who inhabit it...?
[That's actually kind of terrifying to think about? Hm.]
But I don't know why it would reflect that memory of yours. And it doesn't explain why some of us were there, while some of you were "there", but not truly.
she's confused about her, shu, and jonas being there, yeah - she's upset that he's in the state he's in because of something that seems to have been pulled from her past, but...
[The gesture surprises him a little, and the words leave him feeling confused. He will give her hand a very gentle squeeze back! He'd rest his other hand on hers, but that one has a gnarly gash across the palm now, wow. The injuries don't stop.]
Well now he is going to take her hand in both of his, though, so she gets his nasty palm cut anyway.]
I don't believe you should have to apologize for this, if that is truly what happened here. You would not choose to do this to us.
[Bold words for someone who's known this lady for a week and a half, but he feels pretty confident in saying that. She just doesn't seem like she would.]
...If anything, I should be the one to apologize. If you had been there as we thought...
[she frowns a little at the palm cut, but he can't see that so it's fine. she is thinking about trying to heal it, though.
she keeps her hand where it is, in both of his.]
I'm here, for now. [she doesn't have any illusions that she'll live forever. she knows she can be seen as a threat.] I will not be erased while I can still try to be the kind of person who stands up for others.
[he's right - she wouldn't choose to do that to them.]
[SHENHE this is so funny all of his heals were heals that he didn't see coming.
But that's fair enough, because Matsui's entire existence is summed up by "I'm here for now" and he never expects anything more concrete from anyone else. "For now" is usually enough.]
I believe in that.
[That what she says is true. That she won't be erased while she can still act for others. He looks toward their hands, even if he can't see them.]
So you didn't. [Sasuga.] ...I was angry, when I killed it. But not all of that anger felt like it was mine.
[Just most of it, because he was so very, very incandescent with the rage over Buzen's injury in those moments before all the fire brightness of that fury died out along with him.]
Wow same hat, though! Matsui is just nodding to himself internally like ah, naruhodo. He sees, he sees. That is so much rage for such a tiny person to possess.]
...Leaving it alive wasn't an option.
[Thinking about how technically that monster didn't ever even go after Buzen, Matsui just Matsui'd too hard and Buzen died about it.]
it is a lot of rage for such a tiny person and it has only grown proportional. she nods when he answers with that, resting back against whatever it is they're sitting against. pew or wall.]
Was that where you earned your Vision? [a beat.] The water stone.
But lord that is so much rage SHENHE. It is a pew, though. He will lean back with her after a second, letting go with his cut palm hand so now they're only holding one pawsies.]
Yes. After I climbed out of the pool. [fucking help.] Was it like that for you?
[she's content with just one paw. she kind of likes holding hands, funnily enough. it's just enough contact that makes it feel like she can get away, if she needs to, but still enjoy.
also don't just say climbed out of the pool like you didn't try to drown yourself you dumb sword]
It came to me after... [a pause.] I can't remember how long it was. I fought for a long time, and when I faltered, the gods must have found it amusing enough to let me continue.
[She is so valid, even with her rancid mood. Perhaps especially with her rancid mood.
A few beats of silence pass in which he looks toward the altar, thinking about indifferent gods.]
I can understand. [Gods being indifferent. The Catholicism he's familiar with talks of a mighty god whose anger and love are equally powerful, but he himself is a minor deity who's often quite indifferent.]
...It is difficult to know what people want or need. But it's unfortunate if they don't have the desire to try learning such things.
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Yes. That... A creature made of shadow. The cave was large... There was a pool of water and an altar covered in blood.
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[it's not really a laugh, it's too bitter to be one.]
... Funny, that even when it's suppressed, my curse finds a way to hurt those I care about. [...] The others gave me a similar description, but I did not tell them it was the monster I fought as a child.
[congrats you get the lore from the crane's mouth because you're same hat]
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Is this "curse" the reason why you wear those ropes...?
[He's also still trying to figure out what the heckie happened if this is something from Shenhe's past when Shenhe herself wasn't... truly there, apparently.]
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[she's also trying to figure this out help]
I don't understand why you experienced what I did. I don't understand why you were hurt because of it. [it makes her angry.]
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...Perhaps-- it is simply another part of this place. In the same way that the cities we see are meant to resemble locations in the world of the living, maybe it reflects those who inhabit it...?
[That's actually kind of terrifying to think about? Hm.]
But I don't know why it would reflect that memory of yours. And it doesn't explain why some of us were there, while some of you were "there", but not truly.
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she's confused about her, shu, and jonas being there, yeah - she's upset that he's in the state he's in because of something that seems to have been pulled from her past, but...
she's quiet, and then she squeezes his hand.]
I'm sorry, Matsui.
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What are you sorry for...?
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If it was my memories you experienced, I'm the only one that can apologize for what happened, and have it matter.
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Well now he is going to take her hand in both of his, though, so she gets his nasty palm cut anyway.]
I don't believe you should have to apologize for this, if that is truly what happened here. You would not choose to do this to us.
[Bold words for someone who's known this lady for a week and a half, but he feels pretty confident in saying that. She just doesn't seem like she would.]
...If anything, I should be the one to apologize. If you had been there as we thought...
[SHE'D BE DEAAAAD.]
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she keeps her hand where it is, in both of his.]
I'm here, for now. [she doesn't have any illusions that she'll live forever. she knows she can be seen as a threat.] I will not be erased while I can still try to be the kind of person who stands up for others.
[he's right - she wouldn't choose to do that to them.]
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But that's fair enough, because Matsui's entire existence is summed up by "I'm here for now" and he never expects anything more concrete from anyone else. "For now" is usually enough.]
I believe in that.
[That what she says is true. That she won't be erased while she can still act for others. He looks toward their hands, even if he can't see them.]
...May I ask you a question? About your memory.
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[only him, though, is what she's implying here.]
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Why did you come across such a thing? The sensation that I got from it... It felt as though it had been waiting for me. Not "me" specifically, but...
[The Feeling Of Being A Human Sacrifice, damn.]
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I was led to that cave, and I was left there for the creature to consume. But I didn't want to die.
So I didn't.
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Matsui is quiet for a second, before nodding.]
So you didn't. [Sasuga.] ...I was angry, when I killed it. But not all of that anger felt like it was mine.
[Just most of it, because he was so very, very incandescent with the rage over Buzen's injury in those moments before all the fire brightness of that fury died out along with him.]
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... If you were experiencing what I did, I was angry enough to tear the creature apart. I would be the worst thing in that cave. Not it.
[she glances at him, even if he can't see.] I'm glad that you killed it.
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Wow same hat, though! Matsui is just nodding to himself internally like ah, naruhodo. He sees, he sees. That is so much rage for such a tiny person to possess.]
...Leaving it alive wasn't an option.
[Thinking about how technically that monster didn't ever even go after Buzen, Matsui just Matsui'd too hard and Buzen died about it.]
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it is a lot of rage for such a tiny person and it has only grown proportional. she nods when he answers with that, resting back against whatever it is they're sitting against. pew or wall.]
Was that where you earned your Vision? [a beat.] The water stone.
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But lord that is so much rage SHENHE. It is a pew, though. He will lean back with her after a second, letting go with his cut palm hand so now they're only holding one pawsies.]
Yes. After I climbed out of the pool. [fucking help.] Was it like that for you?
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also don't just say climbed out of the pool like you didn't try to drown yourself you dumb sword]
It came to me after... [a pause.] I can't remember how long it was. I fought for a long time, and when I faltered, the gods must have found it amusing enough to let me continue.
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This is such a dire way of thinking of being granted a vision though girl help.]
Are your gods cruel?
[Stated with no particular inflection beyond curiosity. Some gods are. That much isn't surprising.]
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Indifferent. [she says, finally.] They do not always know what their people want. Some don't care to know.
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A few beats of silence pass in which he looks toward the altar, thinking about indifferent gods.]
I can understand. [Gods being indifferent. The Catholicism he's familiar with talks of a mighty god whose anger and love are equally powerful, but he himself is a minor deity who's often quite indifferent.]
...It is difficult to know what people want or need. But it's unfortunate if they don't have the desire to try learning such things.