[As she plonks down, Matsui moves to sit in front of her, kneeling elegantly. He holds his hands out, palms up, but doesn't reach for her first just in case she wants a few more moments to herself without reaching back.]
[she sighs, stressed. and then reaches for his hands to hold them. this does help. just his presence helps - he's so calming that it's easy to take his vibes for her own.
her anger is always so icy, anyway. the way she spreads fire feels wrong, even after weeks of practice, and it's so jarring that she can't always hold onto it. the people during her trial were right - she reached for ice first, and it was when she ran out that she died.]
Mm. [she says, frowning.] I'm not sure why. Maybe it is the difference between wearing the ropes and not wearing them.
Matsui will take her hands, though, holding them gently in his own. At times like this, he isn't... sure, exactly how he can help. If he can help at all. When he's still so new to navigating a heart at all, he knows that his advice and attempts at aid often fall shy of what's needed.
His brow furrows faintly.]
...Mm. Maybe so... Adjusting to such a change must be difficult, as well. [A beat as he considers. There's something he can think of here, though he hesitates for a moment.] ...Have you tried singing?
[this is the funniest suggestion like i know why he's saying it, but out of context it's like have you tried high school musical, shenhe.
she drags in a deep and unsteady breath, and tries to calm down. she doesn't have her comb, to brush out the bad. no, fei du has it. had it. a little ripple of fury curls up in her chest, because she's seen him scared and she hates hates hates it - and then there's another inhale, and exhale.]
... I haven't. [but it's a good idea. a pause.] Will you teach me something new?
[HAVE YOU TRIED HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL SHENHE!!!! i hate it here this is so funny HELP
As Shenhe inhales and exhales, Matsui does the same with her, like he's showing some sort of support, like he's trying to share even this smallest of things. Being alone through the ails and trials of the human heart is a miserable thing, after all.]
Yes... A song to soothe.
[Except all of the songs he knows are so fuckin sad and all Japanese-style lullabies are also inherently sad, so the song he sings is a bit melancholy in its own way. But it feels suited to the moment, all the same. ignore the last like 20 seconds of the song don't worry about it]
[THE WAY THIS GETS SO FUCKIN OMINOUS AT THE END HELP
it's okay we are ignoring the last twenty seconds. she takes the moment in with him, sitting in the middle of shibuya holding hands, and empties her mind the way she has a hundred, thousand times. this time, though - this time she does it without her ropes, and she's vaguely, distantly proud of herself for doing it. she has control. she has some measure of control.
she lets him sing a little bit of it to try and catch on, and then starts to hum with him, when she gets the general gist of the song. it is soothing, and her shoulders come down from around her ears. she's still tense, but it's alright.]
[IT'S FINE PARAISO IS A CUTE MUSICAL WHERE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS.
Matsui will teach her the lyrics if she wants to know them, simple (and hilariously Catholic) as they are. Otherwise, he's happy to hum along with her once she catches on to the tune itself. Just holding her hands, sitting in the middle of Shibuya.
After cycling through the lullaby a few times, he closes his eyes, breathes, looks back to her.]
she wants to learn the lyrics, sure, yeah. she might not memorize them, but for now, sing-humming this little lullaby a few times does wonders for her temper. with it in her head, it's easier to think about fei du tapping his fingers in a 1-2-3-4 beat, instead of whatever horrible violence she's imagining in her head.]
That did, yes. [...] Thank you. I wasn't sure if it would.
[and then, because she thinks she should probably explain herself:] I promised that I would protect Fei Du. It feels like years ago now.
He will wake up here and be fine, but the idea of him suffering bothers me.
[the idea of all of them suffering bothers her. she caught a glimpse of shen qingqiu, and it made her feel a little sick, even if she is used to violence. she's glad he understands at least a little.]
... At the same time, I feel... [a pause.] Is it unacceptable to be... disappointed, I suppose, that my team is all still together and alive?
[she desperately wants them to live, but also. she misses them a lot.]
[VIOLENCE OUT THERE IN THE CHILIS, TRULY. ALL THIS DEATH. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TRULY SAID 4 MEANS DEATH IN CHINESE AND JAPANESE AND KNEECAPPED A MATCHING 4 TARGETS.
Matsui listens quietly and carefully, though. He can understand these complex feelings, in a certain way. He knows how it feels to have two diametrically opposed wants and wishes.]
It makes sense. No one wishes for those they care for to suffer. [...] It feels like a terrible thing to say "I would like to see this person again" when you know the path to seeing them would be a painful one. But the heart is impossible to command. You can feel sorrow at remaining parted at the same time that you feel gratitude for their safety.
Alright. [that feels a little better, to know that it's okay to feel two things like this at once. like she isn't broken for feeling sad and relieved at the same time.]
... Thank you. You and Buzen both have been helpful, when it comes to feelings. [hearing from someone who also has trouble with it, but maybe a little more experience, is nice. affirming.]
Matsui gives her hands a gentle little squeeze at that, though, and his expression conveys a faint sense of relief. Being unable to help in so many ways so often is a trying thing for a sword. At least, if nothing else, they have this.]
Mm. ...It is very much like handling some of the newly manifested swords in our Citadel, really. We've all had similar struggles and questions, concerns and fears... It's difficult to proceed without someone to help guide the way.
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It no longer does?
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her anger is always so icy, anyway. the way she spreads fire feels wrong, even after weeks of practice, and it's so jarring that she can't always hold onto it. the people during her trial were right - she reached for ice first, and it was when she ran out that she died.]
Mm. [she says, frowning.] I'm not sure why. Maybe it is the difference between wearing the ropes and not wearing them.
[because she isn't wearing them, anymore!]
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Matsui will take her hands, though, holding them gently in his own. At times like this, he isn't... sure, exactly how he can help. If he can help at all. When he's still so new to navigating a heart at all, he knows that his advice and attempts at aid often fall shy of what's needed.
His brow furrows faintly.]
...Mm. Maybe so... Adjusting to such a change must be difficult, as well. [A beat as he considers. There's something he can think of here, though he hesitates for a moment.] ...Have you tried singing?
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she drags in a deep and unsteady breath, and tries to calm down. she doesn't have her comb, to brush out the bad. no, fei du has it. had it. a little ripple of fury curls up in her chest, because she's seen him scared and she hates hates hates it - and then there's another inhale, and exhale.]
... I haven't. [but it's a good idea. a pause.] Will you teach me something new?
[please.]
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As Shenhe inhales and exhales, Matsui does the same with her, like he's showing some sort of support, like he's trying to share even this smallest of things. Being alone through the ails and trials of the human heart is a miserable thing, after all.]
Yes... A song to soothe.
[Except all of the songs he knows are so fuckin sad and all Japanese-style lullabies are also inherently sad, so the song he sings is a bit melancholy in its own way. But it feels suited to the moment, all the same. ignore the last like 20 seconds of the song don't worry about it]
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it's okay we are ignoring the last twenty seconds. she takes the moment in with him, sitting in the middle of shibuya holding hands, and empties her mind the way she has a hundred, thousand times. this time, though - this time she does it without her ropes, and she's vaguely, distantly proud of herself for doing it. she has control. she has some measure of control.
she lets him sing a little bit of it to try and catch on, and then starts to hum with him, when she gets the general gist of the song. it is soothing, and her shoulders come down from around her ears. she's still tense, but it's alright.]
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Matsui will teach her the lyrics if she wants to know them, simple (and hilariously Catholic) as they are. Otherwise, he's happy to hum along with her once she catches on to the tune itself. Just holding her hands, sitting in the middle of Shibuya.
After cycling through the lullaby a few times, he closes his eyes, breathes, looks back to her.]
...Did it help?
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she wants to learn the lyrics, sure, yeah. she might not memorize them, but for now, sing-humming this little lullaby a few times does wonders for her temper. with it in her head, it's easier to think about fei du tapping his fingers in a 1-2-3-4 beat, instead of whatever horrible violence she's imagining in her head.]
That did, yes. [...] Thank you. I wasn't sure if it would.
[and then, because she thinks she should probably explain herself:] I promised that I would protect Fei Du. It feels like years ago now.
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The further explanation does solidify things, as well. His head bows a little, expression somber.]
...It is one of the most difficult things, to know that those you have sworn to protect have suffered without you being able to lift a finger.
[He'd been consumed by a different emotion than fury when Buzen had turned up dead, but it was ugly and bright-burning all the same.]
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[the idea of all of them suffering bothers her. she caught a glimpse of shen qingqiu, and it made her feel a little sick, even if she is used to violence. she's glad he understands at least a little.]
... At the same time, I feel... [a pause.] Is it unacceptable to be... disappointed, I suppose, that my team is all still together and alive?
[she desperately wants them to live, but also. she misses them a lot.]
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Matsui listens quietly and carefully, though. He can understand these complex feelings, in a certain way. He knows how it feels to have two diametrically opposed wants and wishes.]
It makes sense. No one wishes for those they care for to suffer. [...] It feels like a terrible thing to say "I would like to see this person again" when you know the path to seeing them would be a painful one. But the heart is impossible to command. You can feel sorrow at remaining parted at the same time that you feel gratitude for their safety.
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she nods a little, thinking that over.]
Alright. [that feels a little better, to know that it's okay to feel two things like this at once. like she isn't broken for feeling sad and relieved at the same time.]
... Thank you. You and Buzen both have been helpful, when it comes to feelings. [hearing from someone who also has trouble with it, but maybe a little more experience, is nice. affirming.]
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Matsui gives her hands a gentle little squeeze at that, though, and his expression conveys a faint sense of relief. Being unable to help in so many ways so often is a trying thing for a sword. At least, if nothing else, they have this.]
Mm. ...It is very much like handling some of the newly manifested swords in our Citadel, really. We've all had similar struggles and questions, concerns and fears... It's difficult to proceed without someone to help guide the way.