the calmness helps. she takes a deep breath, and then exhales - and does it again, and again. and then after a moment, she loosens her grip on him. finger by finger.
but yeah. only calm. it's a very forcible thing he's making himself feel since unlike with red string, he has figured out what's going on. he figures this is a two-way thing, so as long as he can help her, he will. he mimics the breathing to also give her something to follow before she lets go of his arm, and he pulls back just enough to look at her. ]
It's...yeah. [ he feels like it's an injustice to say "it's fine" to her when she's so clearly spooked about it. ] Are you sure you're okay?
[she folds her arms across her chest, frowning a little.]
... Yes. [that's not a lie, really, she is now, but.] I felt... genuine anger, for a moment. I'm sure you also did.
[at least she knows what just happened. she's a little disoriented - which means she can't quite remember what she has and hasn't told him about her ropes.]
I think. I think I will just have to make sure that I don't make you angry.
I mean with... this, happening this week. [...] I should avoid experiencing anger or annoyance from others, as much as I can. It amplifies my own, and not even the ropes can help.
Oh. [ yes, okay, this makes sense. he wouldn't blame her for not wanting to deal with other people's anger if it makes her own intense, but he's still sort of blinking at her before he decides to ask. ]
...what ropes, Shenhe? I'm not sure I follow that. I mean it doesn't matter, I get it, and I'll try not to be angry either but I was just...wondering what that means.
[she's a little taken aback at this if only because she just assumed she had told him. she trusts him enough that she just assigned him knows about my curse without ever actually saying it.]
These. [and she points to the red ropes that are around her outfit.] They are primarily there to bind my aggression. I can be dangerous otherwise.
[ eyeballing these ropes. there's a moment of surprise that jolts through him, but just as quick as it came it disappears again. ]
I always thought they were just decoration. [ faintly, as if he's realizing that was super stupid to think. ] ...I never would've guessed. I mean yeah, people get angry and some people take it to an extreme, but...you've been pretty reasonable with me. I guess I understand why now.
[ not that this changes his opinion of her, but in general. ]
[no, this is a completely normal thing to think, jonas, normal people in the regular world don't wear red ropes to stop themselves from murder]
Yes. [she agrees, resting a hand on her chest absently.] The red ropes make it so that my anger doesn't reach the surface... but they also dampen my other emotions as well.
It's necessary. I'm not supposed to hurt innocent people. And I won't, with these.
[ he's looking at her. it's almost similar to the way she stares at him, sometimes, an open but intense look as he's trying to work through this and figure things out, apply these words to what he knows about shenhe as a person. he doesn't speak for a while, but when he does, the words are slow and even. maybe tinged with a bit of hesitation. ]
...you may not be able to hurt people--and you shouldn't, by the way, I get that. But at the same time if it stifles all of your other emotions...how do you really know how you feel being around people at all? It's like a guessing game.
[ and he suddenly understands a lot of why shenhe just does not understand how to be a person, actually. ]
[she is about as despairing as she can get, which is not very but she's trying.]
I was just starting to learn customs and laws in Liyue, and now I'm here. [where there are NEW rules and MORE things she's supposed to know how to do but doesn't, and it's very frustrating, sometimes.]
[ without meaning to, unfortunately, the emotion that gets through his carefully crafted guard is both a little like sympathy and a little like understanding before it fades away to a whisper. ]
And now you're here where pretty much nothing is really the same. [ ... ] It's hard to adjust when you've been used to something else for so long. Or when you were used to something, had to make changed, and now it's even more new changes. [ he brings a hand up to rub at the back of his neck slowly. ] I think you're doing the best that you can here.
[she'll start with that. a sigh. her emotions have settled down, at least - it's mostly just that flat, even sense.]
You have experienced something similar. [it's a question, mostly. she's not always good at picking up the subtle things, but the understanding, and the way he's described this to her, well.]
[ he's doing his best to keep his feelings under wrap for her, but there are little threads of anxiety slipping through anyway. panic, maybe, about actually having to explain and somehow making it worse instead of better. distance, probably, from knowing even though he does trust shenhe more than other people here, there's always a possibility that one day he'll say too much and it'll change her opinion entirely.
...but, then again, maybe she's similar to someone else here. who would at least kind of understand some things and wouldn't bother repeating them. everything slowly fades back under lock and key of a silent calm. ]
...I made a mistake. [ is what he says first, because by now he does, in fact, realize it was really fucked up. ] Something happened. It wasn't even that big of a deal, it was just somebody's idea of a joke. But I still completely lost it on him. It...sort of felt like I blacked out, a little. I don't even remember everything, but one minute we were on the ground and the next there was both an ambulance and a cop car. One for me, one for him.
I heard the guy was in the hospital for a while recovering while the law was trying to figure out what to do with me. It was...bad. Enough that they decided I needed to go away for a while. [ he's carefully wording it in a way that isn't too complicated for her to understand, but direct enough to understand anyway. ] It was months. There are places for people back home to be sentenced to when they do something wrong and the authorities deem them to be a threat or as an act of punishment for doing those wrong things. So that's where they put me for a while. I didn't actually get released until a few days before I came here. And after I was, everyone treated me pretty differently. But I can't say I blame them either. So...I was trying to relearn how to...be better, I guess. Whatever that looks like. Maybe I'm still trying that here, too.
[ things are only better because they were starting to improve, and then he, like, died, and it maybe doesn't matter anymore. maybe better doesn't actually always mean "good" either. ]
[the nice thing is that - even when he gives off anxiety, panic, she doesn't seem to react much. it isn't anger. that's the only thing she has a problem with. these just get little faint drifts of concern for him, as she watches him in that same ice statue sort of way.
and she listens, patiently, head slightly tilted, and when he's finished, she turns to face him entirely.]
I understand. [really, like - in the sense that she's never exactly been... punished, for hurting people like that, but in the sense that she has, and it felt the same.]
You have a better control of your anger than I do, I think.
[ he's busy glancing at a mannequin that isn't too far from where they're standing, letting her examine him and thinking of how to phrase things appropriately. ]
I damaged things pretty bad the last time I didn't. With multiple people. And I was never able to fix it before it was too late. [ guilt, maybe, is the thing that dances below the surface that he wrestles back again. ] Let's just say it's motivation to try and keep myself in check as much as I can.
...half the time, those are equally terrifying. [ lightly. but honest. being a teenager is already hard, but having to deal with his own emotions after everything that's happened is...overwhelming, really. it's little cracks of insecurity, blips of anxiety, shreds of anger and all combined with a waging war between the heaviness of grief and the desire to be calm, reliable and better.
which, he thinks, is why it's easier to focus on staying calm and levelheaded and dealing with his shit privately because blowing up would be disastrous. explaining that to shenhe, who has to quite literally keep her emotions bound, feels stupid though when it pales in comparison. ]
But I do see your point. I think being able to express yourself, if you can, isn't a bad thing. It's just that there are plenty of emotions that are worse than others. Those are the ones I don't want people to see if I can help it.
[ which is understandable. there's a beat of gratitude. a flicker of wishful thinking. ]
...how do you learn something like that when there are so many things that can still make a person upset about things? [ which is really saying "you aren't really doing too bad" and "i can at least agree to hear you out." ]
Meditation helps far more than you'd think. [she says, tilting her head.] I thought it was stupid, when I was a child. I learned better.
I can teach it to you, sometime. [...] Or I can teach you how to fight properly, channeling those upsetting things. Whichever you think you'd like more.
[ he frowns in thought at the suggestion, but it's not necessarily out of disagreement. ]
I...don't know how good I'd be at it. It's like emptying your mind and stuff, right? I mean I can see the benefits of it but.
[ these are excuses. he seems to realize that, too, and he takes a breath to calm down again. ]
...I'll try anything at this rate. Wolfwood suggested asking for a training dummy to fight with, too. I haven't asked the reapers yet because I thought I could delay that. [ so the answer is he's willing to try both, but he's not sure which to start with. ]
There's nothing wrong with trying both. I use a combination.
[she gently puts her hand on his shoulder.]
It might be a good idea to learn how to fight regardless. You'll surprise your enemies that way.
[and it'd make her feel a little better knowing that he's not just out there at risk of just street brawl fistfighting anybody who might come after him.]
... Whenever you'd like, Jonas. But for now, I think we should do something fun.
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the calmness helps. she takes a deep breath, and then exhales - and does it again, and again. and then after a moment, she loosens her grip on him. finger by finger.
eventually, it's just void.
quietly:] I'm sorry. That was unexpected.
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but yeah. only calm. it's a very forcible thing he's making himself feel since unlike with red string, he has figured out what's going on. he figures this is a two-way thing, so as long as he can help her, he will. he mimics the breathing to also give her something to follow before she lets go of his arm, and he pulls back just enough to look at her. ]
It's...yeah. [ he feels like it's an injustice to say "it's fine" to her when she's so clearly spooked about it. ] Are you sure you're okay?
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... Yes. [that's not a lie, really, she is now, but.] I felt... genuine anger, for a moment. I'm sure you also did.
[at least she knows what just happened. she's a little disoriented - which means she can't quite remember what she has and hasn't told him about her ropes.]
I think. I think I will just have to make sure that I don't make you angry.
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...I'm not angry about stuff? [ theres a blink of surprise. ] You can't really make me angry in the first place, that seems...a little harder.
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[there's a pause.]
I mean with... this, happening this week. [...] I should avoid experiencing anger or annoyance from others, as much as I can. It amplifies my own, and not even the ropes can help.
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...what ropes, Shenhe? I'm not sure I follow that. I mean it doesn't matter, I get it, and I'll try not to be angry either but I was just...wondering what that means.
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[she's a little taken aback at this if only because she just assumed she had told him. she trusts him enough that she just assigned him knows about my curse without ever actually saying it.]
These. [and she points to the red ropes that are around her outfit.] They are primarily there to bind my aggression. I can be dangerous otherwise.
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I always thought they were just decoration. [ faintly, as if he's realizing that was super stupid to think. ] ...I never would've guessed. I mean yeah, people get angry and some people take it to an extreme, but...you've been pretty reasonable with me. I guess I understand why now.
[ not that this changes his opinion of her, but in general. ]
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Yes. [she agrees, resting a hand on her chest absently.] The red ropes make it so that my anger doesn't reach the surface... but they also dampen my other emotions as well.
It's necessary. I'm not supposed to hurt innocent people. And I won't, with these.
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...you may not be able to hurt people--and you shouldn't, by the way, I get that. But at the same time if it stifles all of your other emotions...how do you really know how you feel being around people at all? It's like a guessing game.
[ and he suddenly understands a lot of why shenhe just does not understand how to be a person, actually. ]
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[she is about as despairing as she can get, which is not very but she's trying.]
I was just starting to learn customs and laws in Liyue, and now I'm here. [where there are NEW rules and MORE things she's supposed to know how to do but doesn't, and it's very frustrating, sometimes.]
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And now you're here where pretty much nothing is really the same. [ ... ] It's hard to adjust when you've been used to something else for so long. Or when you were used to something, had to make changed, and now it's even more new changes. [ he brings a hand up to rub at the back of his neck slowly. ] I think you're doing the best that you can here.
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[she'll start with that. a sigh. her emotions have settled down, at least - it's mostly just that flat, even sense.]
You have experienced something similar. [it's a question, mostly. she's not always good at picking up the subtle things, but the understanding, and the way he's described this to her, well.]
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Yes. Maybe not nearly as drastic as what you've experienced but...close enough, I guess. A little. [ a pause. ] Things are better now.
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[genuinely, she means that, but also:] What happened?
[she probably shouldn't ask - she knows people get mad sometimes when she does, but she's very direct.]
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...but, then again, maybe she's similar to someone else here. who would at least kind of understand some things and wouldn't bother repeating them. everything slowly fades back under lock and key of a silent calm. ]
...I made a mistake. [ is what he says first, because by now he does, in fact, realize it was really fucked up. ] Something happened. It wasn't even that big of a deal, it was just somebody's idea of a joke. But I still completely lost it on him. It...sort of felt like I blacked out, a little. I don't even remember everything, but one minute we were on the ground and the next there was both an ambulance and a cop car. One for me, one for him.
I heard the guy was in the hospital for a while recovering while the law was trying to figure out what to do with me. It was...bad. Enough that they decided I needed to go away for a while. [ he's carefully wording it in a way that isn't too complicated for her to understand, but direct enough to understand anyway. ] It was months. There are places for people back home to be sentenced to when they do something wrong and the authorities deem them to be a threat or as an act of punishment for doing those wrong things. So that's where they put me for a while. I didn't actually get released until a few days before I came here. And after I was, everyone treated me pretty differently. But I can't say I blame them either. So...I was trying to relearn how to...be better, I guess. Whatever that looks like. Maybe I'm still trying that here, too.
[ things are only better because they were starting to improve, and then he, like, died, and it maybe doesn't matter anymore. maybe better doesn't actually always mean "good" either. ]
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and she listens, patiently, head slightly tilted, and when he's finished, she turns to face him entirely.]
I understand. [really, like - in the sense that she's never exactly been... punished, for hurting people like that, but in the sense that she has, and it felt the same.]
You have a better control of your anger than I do, I think.
[she'll start with that.]
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I damaged things pretty bad the last time I didn't. With multiple people. And I was never able to fix it before it was too late. [ guilt, maybe, is the thing that dances below the surface that he wrestles back again. ] Let's just say it's motivation to try and keep myself in check as much as I can.
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I think that's admirable. [she says, quietly.] You do what you have to.
But. I think that if you can live without suppressing your emotions, you should.
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...half the time, those are equally terrifying. [ lightly. but honest. being a teenager is already hard, but having to deal with his own emotions after everything that's happened is...overwhelming, really. it's little cracks of insecurity, blips of anxiety, shreds of anger and all combined with a waging war between the heaviness of grief and the desire to be calm, reliable and better.
which, he thinks, is why it's easier to focus on staying calm and levelheaded and dealing with his shit privately because blowing up would be disastrous. explaining that to shenhe, who has to quite literally keep her emotions bound, feels stupid though when it pales in comparison. ]
But I do see your point. I think being able to express yourself, if you can, isn't a bad thing. It's just that there are plenty of emotions that are worse than others. Those are the ones I don't want people to see if I can help it.
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[she really does.]
Still. [...] I'd like to try to help you, if I can. I'm not so good with anger, but even that I've learned to let go of, with practice.
... I don't want you to be like me, Jonas. [is mostly what she's getting at.]
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...how do you learn something like that when there are so many things that can still make a person upset about things? [ which is really saying "you aren't really doing too bad" and "i can at least agree to hear you out." ]
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Meditation helps far more than you'd think. [she says, tilting her head.] I thought it was stupid, when I was a child. I learned better.
I can teach it to you, sometime. [...] Or I can teach you how to fight properly, channeling those upsetting things. Whichever you think you'd like more.
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I...don't know how good I'd be at it. It's like emptying your mind and stuff, right? I mean I can see the benefits of it but.
[ these are excuses. he seems to realize that, too, and he takes a breath to calm down again. ]
...I'll try anything at this rate. Wolfwood suggested asking for a training dummy to fight with, too. I haven't asked the reapers yet because I thought I could delay that. [ so the answer is he's willing to try both, but he's not sure which to start with. ]
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[she gently puts her hand on his shoulder.]
It might be a good idea to learn how to fight regardless. You'll surprise your enemies that way.
[and it'd make her feel a little better knowing that he's not just out there at risk of just street brawl fistfighting anybody who might come after him.]
... Whenever you'd like, Jonas. But for now, I think we should do something fun.
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