[ that is kind of a scramble of feelings he doesn't know what to do with. instead, he stays quiet and he settles on the branches, scooting over to one that's closer to try and exude as much calm as possible. ]
...we should have had people clear out as the erasure got worse. Maybe then we could have prevented that.
[she can feel the calm coming to her, and she mostly just wants him to know that he doesn't have to. everybody's vibe is rancid today, she's used to it. she won't explode.]
Maybe. [she says, staring down at the ground.] But maybe not. It's as Gerard said - not a thing could have changed that story, in the end.
Yeah, I do. [ he doesn't entirely explain why, but the idea is that if he doesn't it's entirely possible he won't remain as calm going forward. ]
I wish...I could even argue that. And say that maybe they could have stood a chance and stayed alive longer. But without Buzen...Matsui didn't have a reason. It might not have lasted much longer.
[that's the unfair part. is that - they talked, and she said she'd miss him if he left, but she didn't ask him to stay. and even though she didn't ask him to stay, he said he'd try.]
I would've taken one more day. [with matsui and rang, both.] She killed all three of them. I don't know that I can forgive her.
[ he doesn't speak for a second. if only because it's clear shenhe had a completely different conversation, and he thinks it's important for her to talk it through and say what needs to be said. ]
I don't think any of us are expected to forgive her. Or understand her reasons. Whatever those were. [ he's not entirely sure. ] And if she was angry none of us understood the reasons or angry that people were angry, then...I can't exactly feel bad either. Which is terrible because that's still erasing someone but...you get it. Everything has a consequence.
[ there's like. a vicious stab of annoyance suddenly. frustration. anger. it needles at him a little but it simmers down to something agitated and vaguely sad. ]
Monika told me last night that Libby decided it was less cruel to erase someone like Buzen over someone who could "live a full life." I was hoping maybe there was a different interpretation, but no. Apparently not. Who the hell are we to decide what a full life is for a person? And what about Matsui and Rang? Are their futures worth nothing, too? I don't care that Libby said it wasn't for the reason of taking out a whole team. Fucking think about what you're doing next time before you decide what someone's worth is!
[ oh. that was yelling. that was absolutely just yelling to an erased person who can't hear him. oops. ]
...sorry. I'm sorry. [ right. lesssss angry. less devastated. less frustrated. ]
[no, honestly, she just lets him? she makes no move to stop him. feel those emotions, boy.]
No, you don't need to apologize.
[mostly because she. agrees with all of this, unfortunately, and is probably way meaner about it.]
You're right. She should have thought, and she didn't. And now, three people are gone. Someone who didn't want to be forgotten. Someone who didn't want to be alone. And someone who didn't want to be abandoned.
[she should count libby, but honestly, she's still furious about it, even under all that sadness.]
[ all of which are understandable and he sort of hates that, too. ]
...she called Buzen her friend. Do you think she even really bothered talking to him? Learning these things about him and the others? Because one answer is more cruel than the other.
A friend to Buzen would not erase him. It was not a mercy to kill him when what he wanted was to be known. A friend to Buzen would have known that his death would end Matsui's world.
[she pulls her hand... away from the tree, and there's a little bit of smoke. she can't be setting the tree they're sitting in on fire, so she has to take a second to calm down.]
[ mmmm....not good. he doesn't speak again for a bit to give her time to stop being on fire and also calm herself. ]
...then I don't feel bad being upset with her choice. Or anyone who may have tried to help her. That gets a little harder since you obviously don't want to rat out your own team, but...if they supported her choice at all...doesn't that make them just as bad?
[ he doesn't really know if sweet theory knew much is the thing, so he's just kind of talking to sort out his thoughts on it. ]
No. They did not choose the target together. [...] If I were to kill someone, it would not be my team's fault. It would be mine.
[she's... thought a fair bit about this. just in case.]
I would not hold Buzen, Matsui or Rang accountable for Count D's murder any more than I would hold Kyoko, Luo Wenzhou, and Fei Du accountable for Libby's. The rules are the rules.
Then is her team just as upset with the reasoning for choosing him, you think? [ it doesn't necessarily matter, this is him now just wondering where the line is. ] I don't think we can hold whole teams accountable for things their teammates do, but...I don't know. I can't say I wouldn't feel a certain way if I heard people were fine with certain things. Does that make sense? I feel like maybe I'm just kind of talking without saying anything new.
[but - her reasoning is never going to be 100% morally correct. shenhe feels strongly about this because she is biased, because she doesn't see any reason to not be biased. this is not a fair fight - it is survival, and it's... well. for her, it's the last chance she thinks she'll ever have to live a little.
there are people she cares about here. people that she'd look the other way for. so it's a struggle to come up with a consistent morality, for her, because it changes with the wind. she never cared about libby, so libby is dead to her. she cared about D, and so she was less angry. funny, how those things go.
[ okay but like...fair. jonas is at least a little self-aware he's hypocritical, because he'll always support his team by nature of being closer to those people. he's aware it's a stupid thing to ask and suss out, but to him, he thinks his team would know better than to hurt someone without understanding who they are.
and maybe that's why he's so stuck on this. for someone who still regularly struggles with trying to fit in to a new life and get people to like him enough and worries about how he's perceived, the idea that someone could just decide he's not worth as much as someone else (or misinterpret his own will to live) is outright terrifying. it's terrifying because it means if someone were that cruel, he would leave behind people he can't bear to leave in the first place.
but this isn't about future ifs ands or buts. this is about now. and so he bows his head and looks at his legs dangling over the branches of this tree. ]
...just another thing for us to grapple with, you know? No answers to the hardest questions we can find. [ ... ] Maybe...it's something to focus on another day. I don't think anyone expects much of anybody else after what just happened. Not right away.
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...we should have had people clear out as the erasure got worse. Maybe then we could have prevented that.
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[she can feel the calm coming to her, and she mostly just wants him to know that he doesn't have to. everybody's vibe is rancid today, she's used to it. she won't explode.]
Maybe. [she says, staring down at the ground.] But maybe not. It's as Gerard said - not a thing could have changed that story, in the end.
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I wish...I could even argue that. And say that maybe they could have stood a chance and stayed alive longer. But without Buzen...Matsui didn't have a reason. It might not have lasted much longer.
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[that's the unfair part. is that - they talked, and she said she'd miss him if he left, but she didn't ask him to stay. and even though she didn't ask him to stay, he said he'd try.]
I would've taken one more day. [with matsui and rang, both.] She killed all three of them. I don't know that I can forgive her.
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I don't think any of us are expected to forgive her. Or understand her reasons. Whatever those were. [ he's not entirely sure. ] And if she was angry none of us understood the reasons or angry that people were angry, then...I can't exactly feel bad either. Which is terrible because that's still erasing someone but...you get it. Everything has a consequence.
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Everything has a consequence. [she repeats, finally.] Her reasons were that Buzen said he thought he didn't have a future.
[which, judging by the way her voice dips into something icy, she thinks is bullshit.]
Now he definitely does not. And two other people had that choice taken from them.
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Monika told me last night that Libby decided it was less cruel to erase someone like Buzen over someone who could "live a full life." I was hoping maybe there was a different interpretation, but no. Apparently not. Who the hell are we to decide what a full life is for a person? And what about Matsui and Rang? Are their futures worth nothing, too? I don't care that Libby said it wasn't for the reason of taking out a whole team. Fucking think about what you're doing next time before you decide what someone's worth is!
[ oh. that was yelling. that was absolutely just yelling to an erased person who can't hear him. oops. ]
...sorry. I'm sorry. [ right. lesssss angry. less devastated. less frustrated. ]
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No, you don't need to apologize.
[mostly because she. agrees with all of this, unfortunately, and is probably way meaner about it.]
You're right. She should have thought, and she didn't. And now, three people are gone. Someone who didn't want to be forgotten. Someone who didn't want to be alone. And someone who didn't want to be abandoned.
[she should count libby, but honestly, she's still furious about it, even under all that sadness.]
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...she called Buzen her friend. Do you think she even really bothered talking to him? Learning these things about him and the others? Because one answer is more cruel than the other.
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[there's that ice again.]
A friend to Buzen would not erase him. It was not a mercy to kill him when what he wanted was to be known. A friend to Buzen would have known that his death would end Matsui's world.
[she pulls her hand... away from the tree, and there's a little bit of smoke. she can't be setting the tree they're sitting in on fire, so she has to take a second to calm down.]
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...then I don't feel bad being upset with her choice. Or anyone who may have tried to help her. That gets a little harder since you obviously don't want to rat out your own team, but...if they supported her choice at all...doesn't that make them just as bad?
[ he doesn't really know if sweet theory knew much is the thing, so he's just kind of talking to sort out his thoughts on it. ]
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No. They did not choose the target together. [...] If I were to kill someone, it would not be my team's fault. It would be mine.
[she's... thought a fair bit about this. just in case.]
I would not hold Buzen, Matsui or Rang accountable for Count D's murder any more than I would hold Kyoko, Luo Wenzhou, and Fei Du accountable for Libby's. The rules are the rules.
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[but - her reasoning is never going to be 100% morally correct. shenhe feels strongly about this because she is biased, because she doesn't see any reason to not be biased. this is not a fair fight - it is survival, and it's... well. for her, it's the last chance she thinks she'll ever have to live a little.
there are people she cares about here. people that she'd look the other way for. so it's a struggle to come up with a consistent morality, for her, because it changes with the wind. she never cared about libby, so libby is dead to her. she cared about D, and so she was less angry. funny, how those things go.
she tilts her head back, after a moment.]
... I don't know that I'll ever have an answer.
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and maybe that's why he's so stuck on this. for someone who still regularly struggles with trying to fit in to a new life and get people to like him enough and worries about how he's perceived, the idea that someone could just decide he's not worth as much as someone else (or misinterpret his own will to live) is outright terrifying. it's terrifying because it means if someone were that cruel, he would leave behind people he can't bear to leave in the first place.
but this isn't about future ifs ands or buts. this is about now. and so he bows his head and looks at his legs dangling over the branches of this tree. ]
...just another thing for us to grapple with, you know? No answers to the hardest questions we can find. [ ... ] Maybe...it's something to focus on another day. I don't think anyone expects much of anybody else after what just happened. Not right away.