the first to uproot useless anxiety. the second to forsake joy and sorrow. and the third to walk this path into old age without regret. she brushes, once. twice. three times, and pulls back the calamity that threatens to crawl out of her throat and into the world. she doesn't want to hurt people. not these people.
it takes a while, but she has had practice with meditation, and she can make herself behave.
and when she thinks she can speak, she tries.]
... It has never been this hard to control myself before.
[ fei du is patient - for as long as shenhe stays meditating and quiet, he stays with her, following the comb. the same repetitive motions are good for him to focus on, too, and he finds himself counting along with it. one, two, three, four. one, two, three, four.
it's only when she's ready to speak that he stops, instead doing what he said initially - helping to pull her hair into a plait. despite his aloof outer shell, despite the gremlin mischief or the well timed comments, this is who fei du really is. ]
Feeling powerless can't help. [ over, under, over, under. one, two, three, four. ] A loss of control means its harder to keep control of yourself for anyone, let alone for someone who goes through what you do.
not very many people have ever touched her hair. the only other person she's allowed to do this is vash, and it's for the same reason - it's easier to soothe the thunderstorm when they're around. like the traveler, she thinks, as he braids her hair.]
I don't think of myself as someone who saves people. [she says, finally.] If I do, it's coincidental. A side-effect of efficiency.
[but.]
Sometimes I want to be that sort of person. It's frustrating that I can't, here. That I bring harm when I don't want to.
[ he takes his time, making sure each part of the braid is neat, carefully untangling parts with his fingers - gentle not to pull. not to hurt. never to hurt. ]
So, of course it's harder to keep control, when you're facing something you haven't had to face before, in a way that you can't fight back. [ ... ]
... I think you could be that kind of person, Shenhe.
[but... yes. that she can't fight back is the hardest part of all of it. not even just against the competition, but even on the ground level.]
Yesterday. The group that returned. They experienced something that was much like my past. The details were wrong, but the broad strokes were right. [her free hand comes down, adjusting the red ropes.]
Last night, Wolfwood was angry. I was angry, too. I tried to hurt him, and I terrified Nahri.
[she can't - stop hurting people, even when she's trying not to.]
[ that feeling of being out of control, of wanting to help people but it always being a little wrong. he frowns as he's tying off the braid, thoughtful. ]
You should reach out to Nahri, first. She must have been scared because she cares about you, you know. And Wolfwood - as far as I can tell, he's a good person. I think he'd understand.
I'll try. [she says, sounding exhausted. she means to say more, but she kind of just. doesn't, because thinking about having to navigate a social situation where she's pretty sure she's in the wrong makes her feel like beating up a car again and she doesn't want to ruin her calm that she worked so hard for.
[ no this is fine. fei du stays quiet with her, as he finishes off the braid. he doesn't push the conversation - reading the art of the social cue is something he's become inherently good at, slipping easily into exactly where he needs to be. when he's done, he carefully adjusts the comb for her, and then shifts, coming to sit next to her, instead, and letting his hands fall into his lap.
a little more quiet company - he's still breathing in that easy, relaxed manner, the slow in and outs. ]
[she'd told him she likes his company - she wasn't lying. it's easy to just sit in silence for a while after he finishes, running her fingers over the completed braid.]
... Thank you. [she says finally, not looking up.]
[ fei du turns his head a little to look at her, and gives her a smile, soft. ] I'm just using the lessons you already knew, you know. If you ever need a reminder, it's the least I can do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the first to uproot useless anxiety. the second to forsake joy and sorrow. and the third to walk this path into old age without regret. she brushes, once. twice. three times, and pulls back the calamity that threatens to crawl out of her throat and into the world. she doesn't want to hurt people. not these people.
it takes a while, but she has had practice with meditation, and she can make herself behave.
and when she thinks she can speak, she tries.]
... It has never been this hard to control myself before.
no subject
it's only when she's ready to speak that he stops, instead doing what he said initially - helping to pull her hair into a plait. despite his aloof outer shell, despite the gremlin mischief or the well timed comments, this is who fei du really is. ]
Feeling powerless can't help. [ over, under, over, under. one, two, three, four. ] A loss of control means its harder to keep control of yourself for anyone, let alone for someone who goes through what you do.
no subject
not very many people have ever touched her hair. the only other person she's allowed to do this is vash, and it's for the same reason - it's easier to soothe the thunderstorm when they're around. like the traveler, she thinks, as he braids her hair.]
I don't think of myself as someone who saves people. [she says, finally.] If I do, it's coincidental. A side-effect of efficiency.
[but.]
Sometimes I want to be that sort of person. It's frustrating that I can't, here. That I bring harm when I don't want to.
no subject
So, of course it's harder to keep control, when you're facing something you haven't had to face before, in a way that you can't fight back. [ ... ]
... I think you could be that kind of person, Shenhe.
no subject
[but... yes. that she can't fight back is the hardest part of all of it. not even just against the competition, but even on the ground level.]
Yesterday. The group that returned. They experienced something that was much like my past. The details were wrong, but the broad strokes were right. [her free hand comes down, adjusting the red ropes.]
Last night, Wolfwood was angry. I was angry, too. I tried to hurt him, and I terrified Nahri.
[she can't - stop hurting people, even when she's trying not to.]
This is how it always is.
no subject
[ this is how it always is.
fei du's hand pause just briefly, before he resumes the braid where he was working. ]
That's out of your control, too, you know. What was in your control was that you were able to come back down.
[ there's a beat. ]
...Have you talked to them, since?
no subject
No. [she answers.] I don't know how to.
no subject
[ that feeling of being out of control, of wanting to help people but it always being a little wrong. he frowns as he's tying off the braid, thoughtful. ]
You should reach out to Nahri, first. She must have been scared because she cares about you, you know. And Wolfwood - as far as I can tell, he's a good person. I think he'd understand.
no subject
I'll try. [she says, sounding exhausted. she means to say more, but she kind of just. doesn't, because thinking about having to navigate a social situation where she's pretty sure she's in the wrong makes her feel like beating up a car again and she doesn't want to ruin her calm that she worked so hard for.
so instead she just slumps.]
no subject
a little more quiet company - he's still breathing in that easy, relaxed manner, the slow in and outs. ]
no subject
... Thank you. [she says finally, not looking up.]
no subject
[ fei du turns his head a little to look at her, and gives her a smile, soft. ] I'm just using the lessons you already knew, you know. If you ever need a reminder, it's the least I can do.
no subject
I am meant to be your protector. [she says, and this at least is a little lighter - not quite a joke, but approaching it.]
no subject
Yes, well, if you promise to keep handling the physical, I can always help you with the mental. I think that seems like a fair compromise.