homophonic ❆ fei du

[bindings]

fei du

love on purpose.

CODE

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[metacognition]

[ oh... the water coming into his peripheral has fei du open his eyes - he reaches to silence his phone, darkening the screen as he takes the glass and gives her a soft smile. ]

Hello, Shenhe. [ ... ] What a terrible day.

[bindings]

It was loud. [she says, annoyed.] ... Hello.

[she's vibrating a little but she's concerned about him, so.] Drink.

[metacognition]

[ he's not even going to fight her on it - he just takes the cup. the water tastes fucking amazing after all of that, to be perfectly honest, and he takes a long drink before just holding it in both of his hands. ]

How are you feeling?

[bindings]

[she'll go get him more if he finishes it.]

Uncomfortable. [she says, closing her eyes briefly.] I'd like to break something but I'm restraining myself.

[metacognition]

[ that is so valid. ]

I can make you another electric wall, if you want...?

[bindings]

No.

[it'll make him tired, and he's tired enough, she thinks.]

I will handle it. [...] You should not volunteer to go to crime scenes.

[metacognition]

[ lol god. he looks away a little, down into his water. ]

...We were running out of time. Not that it mattered; we didn't garner anything useful, anyway.

[bindings]

It isn't about what you find. [she just keeps looking at him, almost without blinking. she's very still.]

[metacognition]

Isn't it?

[ it's an idle question, a bit tongue in cheek; he knows what she's referring to. not the lack of evidence, but what he saw. ]

[bindings]

[bluntly:] Do you look for ways to hurt yourself?

[metacognition]

[ this


throws him for a loop. like. visibly. fei du isn't someone who reacts to things very wildly, but there's a noted startle before he wrangles it back into place, pulls his expression to perfectly calm, even a placid blink. ]

Why would I do that?

[bindings]

[she watches him.]

I couldn't answer that. I could only tell you why I have, in the past. It's different for each person, I've found. [a beat.] If you aren't, then I don't understand.

[metacognition]

[ he is like - weirdly composed. like. too composed, if she's watching that carefully. like every piece is being carefully slotted into the correct place, to ensure only what he wants is shown. ]

You've done something like that...?

[bindings]

[she's not incredibly good at body language - birds don't really have it - but she knows when she's being presented a façade. she still isn't moving, a little like a predator animal waiting to strike.]

Yes. To myself, and to others. [...] I see no reason to hide it.

[metacognition]

[ this time, he makes a noise that's almost like a half laugh. ]

Oh? Why not?

[bindings]

Because it's better that people know what I am.

[a short sigh.]

I see no point in pretending. The truth comes out, because while I am much better at controlling myself now, I'm not always.

[metacognition]

... Is that what was happening on Thursday? When the door locked.

[ this isn't much about fei du but that's okay. he leans forward a little, still guarded, still careful, still - hiding, really, that facade always flawless. ]

[bindings]

Yes.

[she doesn't seem to mind - what she saw, with the way he startled? that was enough of an answer for her.]

These are what keep me under control. [she taps the red ropes that are all over her outfit.] Sometimes, I'm stronger than they are.

[metacognition]

[ huh. magic is beyond him - he mostly just thinks thought those were decorative? but he leans in a little to examine them, and then looks back up at shenhe. ]

...I see. So, a physical limitation that helps limit [ ... ] Urges? Intention?

[bindings]

Urges. [she confirms.] It dampens my destructive urges and my anger.

[and. well.] As well as everything else, I suppose.

[metacognition]

[ aha. he makes a soft noise, letting that settle.

and… he’s quiet. maybe for too long. maybe like he won’t even say anything, at all, beyond that. like he might just let the conversation drop.

and then, almost abruptly: ] Suppressing those sort of things with adaptation and training is possible, even if it’s never completely forward progress.

[bindings]

[a little nod.]

Yes. Part of it is training, and part of it is the ropes themselves. It's possible. I have learned.

[metacognition]

[ he nods, and - for the first time, seems almost a little awkward. or, at least like he's composing himself, putting all those pieces back into place lest a little light shine through. ]

That must take an incredible amount of strength, Shenhe.

[bindings]

[hm. she watches him for a moment, and then takes his water cup.]

It is easier when I have other people to rely on. [...] Someday, I'd like to hear about why blood makes you react the way you do.

[but it doesn't have to be today, and she won't force it - she just gets up, and goes to refill his water.]

[metacognition]

[ ha ha! whew!!!!

though shenhe won't get to see it, fei du is almost definitely relieved when she leaves. he doesn't visually react. he doesn't move. doesn't do anything, except take a breath and close his eyes.

when she returns, he's pulled himself fully together - his expression morphs easily into a grateful smile when she hands him back the water. ]

It's not all that abnormal for people to feel queasy at the sight, you know. [ okay mr "i clearly disassociated out of my goddamn mind to anyone who was paying attention for more than three seconds" ] Thank you.

You know, this is really above and beyond work for a bodyguard. [ teasing ]