he bites the inside of his cheek, and then after a moment, leads her to go sit down. he's gonna fetch her some water while he's at it, and pours a glass, looking quietly thoughtful as he brings it back over to put in her hands. ]
...I don't think there's anything wrong with that, not really. We know that it won't really matter one way or another, as long as a team gets enough points. I did... I do think there's a high chance they did something, this week, anyway.
[she takes the water when he gives it to her, looking down at it.]
It's... [she starts, and then stops.] It's harder than I thought it would be to watch them every week.
[she loves the people here. she does, fei du and matsui and rang and rin - but she misses the warmth of nahri's hand in her own, the way vash lit up when he saw the lanterns, the way wolfwood glanced over her and smiled when she said she liked the food.
he comes to sit down next to her once they're settled, folding his hands in his lap, and just looking at her for a long moment. emotions are - they're such a complicated thing, when you're not used to having them. they hurt, like brambles, like broken glass, pushing and pulling and making you feel warm and guilty all at once, leaving giant spaces behind when the things you cared for are gone.
fei du gets it. he misses wenzhou desperately, more than he'd ever admit, enough that even watching him interact with the trial today made his heart ache. he misses coffee with kyoko in the morning, even if hers was awful. he misses late nights huddled together over evidence notes, and waking up to luo yiguo almost smothering him to death because he decided to sleep on fei du's face. it's home and family, is what it is, and just like that, it's gone.
he watches the way she trails off, and exhales, quietly. ]
...I know it is. [ he could say something here like, well, statistically, it'll probably be one of them next time, but he does not say that because he's not a complete asshole. ] It's always harder to be stuck on the outside, looking in.
[that's what it is - it's home. it's home that she misses. she misses the human connection, the sense of walking into a place and knowing it's yours, knowing that you share it with other people. she's never had that, before here.
and she still has it - she hasn't lost it entirely. it's why she's here, because fei du makes her feel that way, like she has a place to go to. it's just hard to be ripped out by the roots. it's hard to have a little family that you've pulled together and then just mostly lose it in one go.
she has to hold her breath, for a second, because the emotion is threatening to make the blood tears happen again and she's so sick of them.
a little nod. she knows they miss her. she knows. a pause, and then she takes a drink, and leans closer to him, resting her head against his shoulder.]
For a moment, earlier, I thought... voting for them would bring them to me. [she mumbles. her frustration comes out in her tone.] I can't sleep without seeing them dead.
[ almost automatically, now, he lowers his shoulder so that shenhe has somewhere to rest. it's been such a long day. such a long weekend. such a long week. every day since waking up from his own death has been another long one, a trudge towards an ending that still feels far away. he never thought he'd get home or have it, and losing it hurts, but... it has to be even harder, for shenhe, who might not have considered the concept in the first place.
fei du shifts a little, lets that quiet frustrated mumble reverberate like a plucked string, and tilts his head to rest on top of hers, then offers his hand, open palmed, fingers spread, in his lap. for once, he doesn't want to say the words it'll pass, because it might not. even when he blacked out his own memory for trauma, dreams were the places he always remembered.
he closes his eyes. ]
It all feels very helpless sometimes, doesn't it? Being here.
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no subject
he bites the inside of his cheek, and then after a moment, leads her to go sit down. he's gonna fetch her some water while he's at it, and pours a glass, looking quietly thoughtful as he brings it back over to put in her hands. ]
...I don't think there's anything wrong with that, not really. We know that it won't really matter one way or another, as long as a team gets enough points. I did... I do think there's a high chance they did something, this week, anyway.
no subject
It's... [she starts, and then stops.] It's harder than I thought it would be to watch them every week.
[she loves the people here. she does, fei du and matsui and rang and rin - but she misses the warmth of nahri's hand in her own, the way vash lit up when he saw the lanterns, the way wolfwood glanced over her and smiled when she said she liked the food.
after thursday, it hits especially hard.]
I... [and she trails off. she's so tired.]
no subject
he comes to sit down next to her once they're settled, folding his hands in his lap, and just looking at her for a long moment. emotions are - they're such a complicated thing, when you're not used to having them. they hurt, like brambles, like broken glass, pushing and pulling and making you feel warm and guilty all at once, leaving giant spaces behind when the things you cared for are gone.
fei du gets it. he misses wenzhou desperately, more than he'd ever admit, enough that even watching him interact with the trial today made his heart ache. he misses coffee with kyoko in the morning, even if hers was awful. he misses late nights huddled together over evidence notes, and waking up to luo yiguo almost smothering him to death because he decided to sleep on fei du's face. it's home and family, is what it is, and just like that, it's gone.
he watches the way she trails off, and exhales, quietly. ]
...I know it is. [ he could say something here like, well, statistically, it'll probably be one of them next time, but he does not say that because he's not a complete asshole. ] It's always harder to be stuck on the outside, looking in.
I know they miss you terribly, too.
no subject
and she still has it - she hasn't lost it entirely. it's why she's here, because fei du makes her feel that way, like she has a place to go to. it's just hard to be ripped out by the roots. it's hard to have a little family that you've pulled together and then just mostly lose it in one go.
she has to hold her breath, for a second, because the emotion is threatening to make the blood tears happen again and she's so sick of them.
a little nod. she knows they miss her. she knows. a pause, and then she takes a drink, and leans closer to him, resting her head against his shoulder.]
For a moment, earlier, I thought... voting for them would bring them to me. [she mumbles. her frustration comes out in her tone.] I can't sleep without seeing them dead.
no subject
fei du shifts a little, lets that quiet frustrated mumble reverberate like a plucked string, and tilts his head to rest on top of hers, then offers his hand, open palmed, fingers spread, in his lap. for once, he doesn't want to say the words it'll pass, because it might not. even when he blacked out his own memory for trauma, dreams were the places he always remembered.
he closes his eyes. ]
It all feels very helpless sometimes, doesn't it? Being here.