[ another few inches forward, fei du thinks he can't be that much far from her now. the smell is getting stronger, and even if it makes his stomach churn, he pushes forward. ]
Of course you did. [ he says, and there's a gentleness to it, a recognition. of course you did. he wouldn't expect anything less. ] ...Whether you failed or not, it still matters, that you tried.
[ as he makes it a little closer, he slowly, carefully, lifts his free hand out towards shenhe. ]
[he's a little closer, and she stares at his hand.]
No. [she nearly coughs out the word.] The - history corrected itself. All of the rebels died. I killed them. I killed Nahri. I killed Wolfwood. They were - they.
[monster. you're a monster.]
They were children. I took them to a rebel camp and I slaughtered them.
[ the hand stays, unflinching, long fingers unfurling to an open palm.
that's - horrifying. by now, fei du has learned that these little adventures often feature people they know from home, and that perhaps he was lucky that he didn't have the same experience. they're psychological gauntlets, designed to torture. designed to hurt. ]
... Nahri and Wolfwood are alive. [ just a quiet restatement of fact. ] On the other side. We could go look at the screens and see them.
It doesn't matter. [she knows. it wasn't real. it couldn't have been. she's never seen wolfwood and nahri as seven, eight years old. she doesn't know what they looked like. it wasn't actually them.]
I was... I was the axe. I am. I felt it. [she felt what a blade feels when it finds flesh.] It was my fault. Because I wanted to save them, the world ended.
You aren't anymore. [ it's that same tone. just as firm, just as gentle, all at once. that dissociative, disconnected, awful feeling is so familiar, but he roots himself in knowing how to handle trauma, in recognizing the places that fei du and shenhe are the same and using them to help reel her back in.
his hand stretches back out, a little further. ]
Your choices were stolen from you, like it's trying to steal your identity away, too. If you felt it, then that doesn't make it any less painful, or any less cruel. They were your choices to make, and you were punished for having autonomy in a situation you could not win.
[she's so afraid to take it. she wants to. she wants to feel real. she doesn't. she's still an axe, she's still not quite human, she has always been like this, she's always hurt everybody around her and maybe it was right to abandon her in that cave. she hiccups out a sob, the blood tears dripping down her face.]
I made up for it. [she mumbles.] I did the mission. It didn't matter. I killed them and it still ended.
[she shakily touches his hand. like she's not sure she's allowed.]
the minute it's shakily pressed against his, fei du wraps his slender fingers around her hand. they're soft, uncalloused, even after weeks of being in a murdergame - and more than anything else, they're confident. there is no fear, when he takes her hand the same way he took mother he's wrinkled, trembling one on his own.
because he's not afraid of shenhe. he could never be.
slowly, he starts to pull his other hand away from his eyes - they're still closed - and brings it down, so he can wrap it around her hand, too, and squeezes. ]
...I'm sorry, Shenhe. I'm sorry that happened to you.
[the worst part about this is that - is it hurts. she isn't sure it's supposed to hurt when she cries. she hasn't done it in so long that she doesn't know what's normal. but it physically hurts her to do, and she wants to stop, but the more she does it the more she can't.
she lets him hold onto her hand. coughs, a little. she can't breathe right. that hurts. her fingers wrap around his, unsteady. he's sorry. she's sorry too.
behind him, a tall woman with glasses and long black hair smiles at her, and laughs. and laughs, and laughs so hard it sounds like it's killing her. he can't see it. but she can.]
I don't know what to do now. [she says, watching cloud retainer giggle like a madman over fei du's shoulder. she's so tired. she's still injured, and she thinks if she tried to stand her legs would give out.]
[ im frowning like a cartoon character my poor bird
okay. they're getting somewhere. fei du's going to do something stupid - but it's not like he walked here, just out to the park, so. he squeezes her hand, gently, taking the unsteady grip and trying to reassure it. ]
I do. [ because of course he does. actually, he doesn't. this is so, so far outside of his comfort zone, but that's okay - he's going to figure it out, lay out a logical turn of events. and curled up and miserable like this cannot be a place to start. he would know - he's spent too many days vibrating with too much electricity on the floor of his basement, or throwing up until his insides were burning because he took his emetics too far. ]
...Let's get you cleaned up. Maybe someone has some juice left to heal you a little more. We can cover that, too. [ or she could like, die, but he does not want to think about that right now. i hope she got more healing. jesus christ
fei du's voice stays gentle and quiet, hopefully enough to be heard over the terrible laughter hallucination, and he keeps his eyes closed. ] And once we've done that, we can go from there. If I turn around, can you get on my back?
[ in any other situation - and maybe in this one? - it might be a little funny. but, he's piggybacked wenzhou before out of sheer spite, he can get shenhe. ]
[well fun story about the healing or die, she does both! that's for later, though.
for now, he squeezes her hand and she nods. cleaned up sounds... nice. she doesn't want to be covered in blood. she wants to be clean and warm and safe, and she has been none of those things for hours now. so, when he suggests it, she slowly uncurls, letting her feet touch the ground.
which means she bleeds more. she just watches it drip down from her shoulder and like, most of her torso with a blank look. that's cool. awesome. he isn't looking, but she's wildly injured, with multiple holes run through her, as well as a general crispiness that feels like maybe it's more electric based than anything. she's not sure she can stand without collapsing, actually, which is the only reason she's even considering letting him try to carry her.]
I don't... I don't think you can. [but she sounds like maybe she is about to pass out so he might not have to argue with her too much.]
[ also shenhe is way lighter than wenzhou so this should be doable. he turns around, opening his eyes now so he can look forward, and adjusts, holding out his arms so she can climb onto his back. the blood smell makes him horrifically, painfully nauseous when it gets worse, but he presses his lips together tight and swallows a retch. ]
she doesn't want to make him throw up... she doesn't want to get blood on him, either, because there's so much of it, and it isn't all her own. some of it is nahri's. some of it is wolfwood's. her head spins violently as she stands, and she nearly falls right back down.
so she hesitates, but. after a second she slowly moves forward to get on his back. he can carry her but she's going to pass out, 100%, before they get to wherever.]
[ yeah it's fine he's going to barf everywhere but like hell he's going to do it now. fei du is too fucking stubborn, and his well conditioned reflexes are a result of that exact same stubbornness, so now he is going to ignore it. for as much as his carefully conditioned mental state allowed him to thrive - allowed him to become what he wanted, not what his father did - here, it's been a hindrance, and he's done everything in his power to try and just deal with it. for the sake of shenhe, he has to try.
he gets shenhe up on his back! and it's okay, if she passes out. frankly? that's probably better. it's a little wobbly, but he grits his teeth and will carry her all the way back out to his fancy car, and then drive her sad, despairing, passed out ass back to the hotel where she can get cleaned up. it is a testament to his friendship and how much he cares about shenhe that he would rather have to clean a terrible amount of blood out of his brand new car and his expensive suit that he just got than let her suffer for a single second longer than she has to.
at some point, fei du will have to leave shenhe in someone else's care for a bit because he is absurdly, stupidly ill after doing this, but it's worth it. it's always worth it.
when shenhe wakes up, there's a message on her phone, too, that says: ]
There's an empty room down the hall from the others that I got the key for. When you wake up, send me a message and I'll come get you.
she talks to a few other people. and in that span, someone offers her a little bit of relief, and she takes it. when she comes back a few hours later after not existing for a bit, she's wrung out entirely. but. she's clean. she washes her hair and she throws out her clothes, and she crawls into her crop top sweatshirt and her fashionable sweatpants and wanders out into the hotel with damp hair. physically, she's fine. no whistling breath, no gory wounds.
she picks up her toy axe and she carries it out with her.
nahri is on this floor. she's smiling at her brightly, and then she starts to laugh, and shenhe feels something bright and painful twist in her, and - blood drips to the carpet. alarmed, she presses her fingers to her cheeks, looking at the blood that comes away, and then she spins and goes right back into her room.
the mirror is worse.
it takes a while for her to remember to answer her phone. when she does, even her text sounds like she's teetering on the edge of breaking:]
[ bad. bad! now that fei du isn't nauseous he's been running around shibuya to gather Things, checking his phone every few minutes like a hawk. when he finally sees the ping from shenhe, he turns right back around and starts hauling ass back towards the hotel. that's probably where she is? probably? ]
[thankfully shenhe didn't go far - she's just sitting in the lobby, when he comes back. she's clean, sitting on a chair, hunched over, with towel pressed to her face. he might be able to see the spots of red on it, but that's the only blood that she's got on her now, at least.
she doesn't like this - it hurts, it feels like tiny daggers in her skull, but she can't stop doing it. crying is stupid, she can't even - get any catharsis out of it because it feels so bad to do.
but at least this time she is cognizant that someone is approaching, and she hurriedly tries to wipe her face before looking up at him, hesitant.
[ thankfully he's already emptied his stomach so many times that a small amount of blood isn't like, nightmarishly bad - just a little queasy. what is bad is that he can see that those are, in fact, tears made of blood streaming down her face, and not just extra blood from a random injury.
when he comes in the door, shenhe might notice a couple of things! first of all, he's changed into a different fancy boy outfit (did i really need to link this? no. did i want to? yes.) and second of all, he's got a big shopping bag over his arm. thirdly, his face shifts into surprise, and then realization, and then a brief flicker of shock, and then melts into something more familiar, a gentle smile. he looks like the tiniest bit green, but, it is a marked improvement from earlier. ]
... Your eyes are too pretty to have to cry like that. [ weh. it must be some kind of residual effect, or something - it sucks that she DIED and it didn't fix it, but he will keep that to himself. not for the first time wishing he had healing aura, he comes over, and offers her his free hand. ]
she pulls herself up to her feet when he comes over, and takes his hand without protest. her hand is shaking - from exhaustion, mostly, but also from the strain of keeping herself together long enough to be a human.]
I'm not... covered in blood. [she says, uncertainly. she knows she probably isn't because she feels clean and because he's not running for a trash can. but the mirror lied to her, so she's having problems with reality again.
[ he gives her a little smile, eyes crinkling up at the corners with it. reassuring and confident to her uncertainty. ] That's right. Baobei, if you were covered in blood, you would know, because I would be putting my head in the nearest trash can.
[ hemophobia is extremely inconvenient except for this one time where it is completely helpful? nothing says reality like fei du doesn't look like he's gonna yartz.
he squeezes her hand, gently, when he feels it trembling, and then adjusts, slowing his step so he can let her put her hand on his arm, instead. he'll escort her back to the hotel room area, letting her lean on him if she wants, too. a gentleman, kind and steady. up to the room they go! he'll produce a keycard and open up the door to a room that is not full of other people.
it's just quiet. fei du's psp is sitting on the nightstand, charging, and the beds are neatly made: shenhe the duck is snoozing on the second bed in the pillows. ]
[oh, thank god. or. not god, she doesn't want to think about god.
it's quiet, and it's empty, and the relief in her entire body is palpable. she slumps against him when he opens the door, still trembling, holding onto him a little tightly. she can't handle being around a lot of people right now - she can barely handle being alive, let alone crowded.
she wipes her face with the towel again. and then slowly wanders into the room and sits down on the second bed. the urge to pet shenhe the duck is strong, but she doesn't want to wake her up rudely, so she doesn't, for now. instead...]
... I want to cover the mirrors. [she says, distantly, getting stuck as she stares at herself in the mirror over the dresser.]
[ that's... considering everything shenhe has been through, that's not all that surprising. he sets the shopping bag down in her lap. ]
Alright. Go through that, and I'll take care of it in the meantime.
[ so he will do that! he just strips off the blankets from his bed and goes to start covering up the mirrors in the hotel room with those.
in the meantime, inside of the shopping bag are a few things: there's a set of extremely high quality, soft pajamas from the rich bitch store. there's a small bag from the drugstore that has painkillers and some bandages, some sore throat herbal cough drops. an extra blanket i feel like i read we had blankets. there's even a couple bottles of airplane sized alcohol in there. it's a little care package.
shenhe the duck rouses a little when someone sits down, lifting her head and then quacking softly and sleepily. hello. ]
she tears her eyes away from her blood-soaked reflection when he starts moving, and looks through the bag. the alcohol is tempting... she doesn't like drinking, doesn't like the taste, but god, she's thinking about it, if only so she can sleep. nightmares are inevitable.
if fei du has any sensibilities they are not considered because when she pulls out the pajamas, she just strips where she is to put them on. normally she'd be a little more private, but he's - safe? he's safe. she can be vulnerable for a second around him. it doesn't take long to put on, and once she's wearing the pajamas, she turns on the bed and scoops shenhe the duck up to hug her.
Of course. [ he fetches so good!! its his love language!!!
anyway im not gonna lie to you that's exactly why fei du drinks so he'd understand it. that's probably why he included it! he's supposed to help shenhe cope but he is not going to succeed in teaching her how to do that entirely healthily because he sure as shit doesn't know how to. or, well, he does, but he sure as shit doesn't do it.
anyway. it doesn't take him too long to cover the mirrors. he's surprisingly handy with weird, fiddly little tasks - all delicate touches and careful fingers, using the edges of the mirrors to tuck the sheets in. he pulls the window curtains shut, too, just for safe measure, nudges the bathroom door mostly shut, and lets just the artificial lamplight light the quiet hotel room, instead.
if he has sensibilities, they aren't bothered. really, he doesn't. he has seen an unholy amount of women naked in his life and he's a gentleman and not tempted to look - when he glances back briefly to check on her he just turns his head back what he's doing and moves on. and by the time he's all finished, fei du comes over and sits down on the bed next to her. it's hard not take stock of the bloody tears, immediately - his stomach flips, but he ignores it - and he reaches for a box of tissues on the night stand, carefully balls one up, and goes to try and dab some of it away.
shenhe the duck is perfectly okay with this. it's safe and warm and snuggly so she just wiggles her little feet and tries to get comfortable again. ]
[she will sit here and pet shenhe the duck for a bit, because it makes her feel less like she's going to die again. maybe she should get a cat from the pet store or something.
the silence feels good. restorative. like being out in the city all day long, listening to people yelling and chattering, cars honking, city noise, overwhelming. like standing at a concert for hours and then finally going home and curling up on the couch, in the dark. her heartbeat thundering in her ears lets her know that she's alive, that she's here, that the beach is gone for now.
she jumps just a little when he wipes her tears, but. she lets him, with a little sniff.
it's relief, mostly. being here. it's relief, and exhaustion, and leftover horror. the way things settle when you're out of adrenaline. she just looks at him like she's - out of it, like she still can't focus.
it's a little demonic wet kitten, holding a duck, crying blood tears and looking like she's dissociating out of her mind.]
shenhe the duck is good at dealing with people crying. unlike fei du. and probably unlike shenhe the person. but this is because shenhe the duck was born and then like, immediately spent at least half of her time with nahri, so when she can tell that shenhe the person is sad, she fluffs up her little feathers and snuggles up closer to her and into the pets. :(
fei du turns the tissues and gently wipes away the last little bit of tears, nudging away at the tracks on her face for his sake and her own. he's leaning back a little bit for the sake of not making this gross for either of them, but it doens't change the care in the gesture, or the way his straight brows are pinched together, or the little frown on his face. he'll take care of shenhe the way he took care of mother he, the way he's looked after chenchen, and so many other people - as carefully, as kindly as he can.
soothing and quiet, he regards the look on her face as one that's probably been on his own a thousand times, and takes a slow, deep breath. demonstrating, maybe. ]
I want you to do me a favor. Can you tell me three things you can see? Just right here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Of course you did. [ he says, and there's a gentleness to it, a recognition. of course you did. he wouldn't expect anything less. ] ...Whether you failed or not, it still matters, that you tried.
[ as he makes it a little closer, he slowly, carefully, lifts his free hand out towards shenhe. ]
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[he's a little closer, and she stares at his hand.]
No. [she nearly coughs out the word.] The - history corrected itself. All of the rebels died. I killed them. I killed Nahri. I killed Wolfwood. They were - they.
[monster. you're a monster.]
They were children. I took them to a rebel camp and I slaughtered them.
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that's - horrifying. by now, fei du has learned that these little adventures often feature people they know from home, and that perhaps he was lucky that he didn't have the same experience. they're psychological gauntlets, designed to torture. designed to hurt. ]
... Nahri and Wolfwood are alive. [ just a quiet restatement of fact. ] On the other side. We could go look at the screens and see them.
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It doesn't matter. [she knows. it wasn't real. it couldn't have been. she's never seen wolfwood and nahri as seven, eight years old. she doesn't know what they looked like. it wasn't actually them.]
I was... I was the axe. I am. I felt it. [she felt what a blade feels when it finds flesh.] It was my fault. Because I wanted to save them, the world ended.
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You aren't anymore. [ it's that same tone. just as firm, just as gentle, all at once. that dissociative, disconnected, awful feeling is so familiar, but he roots himself in knowing how to handle trauma, in recognizing the places that fei du and shenhe are the same and using them to help reel her back in.
his hand stretches back out, a little further. ]
Your choices were stolen from you, like it's trying to steal your identity away, too. If you felt it, then that doesn't make it any less painful, or any less cruel. They were your choices to make, and you were punished for having autonomy in a situation you could not win.
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I made up for it. [she mumbles.] I did the mission. It didn't matter. I killed them and it still ended.
[she shakily touches his hand. like she's not sure she's allowed.]
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the minute it's shakily pressed against his, fei du wraps his slender fingers around her hand. they're soft, uncalloused, even after weeks of being in a murdergame - and more than anything else, they're confident. there is no fear, when he takes her hand the same way he took mother he's wrinkled, trembling one on his own.
because he's not afraid of shenhe. he could never be.
slowly, he starts to pull his other hand away from his eyes - they're still closed - and brings it down, so he can wrap it around her hand, too, and squeezes. ]
...I'm sorry, Shenhe. I'm sorry that happened to you.
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she lets him hold onto her hand. coughs, a little. she can't breathe right. that hurts. her fingers wrap around his, unsteady. he's sorry. she's sorry too.
behind him, a tall woman with glasses and long black hair smiles at her, and laughs. and laughs, and laughs so hard it sounds like it's killing her. he can't see it. but she can.]
I don't know what to do now. [she says, watching cloud retainer giggle like a madman over fei du's shoulder. she's so tired. she's still injured, and she thinks if she tried to stand her legs would give out.]
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okay. they're getting somewhere. fei du's going to do something stupid - but it's not like he walked here, just out to the park, so. he squeezes her hand, gently, taking the unsteady grip and trying to reassure it. ]
I do. [ because of course he does. actually, he doesn't. this is so, so far outside of his comfort zone, but that's okay - he's going to figure it out, lay out a logical turn of events. and curled up and miserable like this cannot be a place to start. he would know - he's spent too many days vibrating with too much electricity on the floor of his basement, or throwing up until his insides were burning because he took his emetics too far. ]
...Let's get you cleaned up. Maybe someone has some juice left to heal you a little more. We can cover that, too. [ or she could like, die, but he does not want to think about that right now. i hope she got more healing. jesus christ
fei du's voice stays gentle and quiet, hopefully enough to be heard over the terrible laughter hallucination, and he keeps his eyes closed. ] And once we've done that, we can go from there. If I turn around, can you get on my back?
[ in any other situation - and maybe in this one? - it might be a little funny. but, he's piggybacked wenzhou before out of sheer spite, he can get shenhe. ]
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for now, he squeezes her hand and she nods. cleaned up sounds... nice. she doesn't want to be covered in blood. she wants to be clean and warm and safe, and she has been none of those things for hours now. so, when he suggests it, she slowly uncurls, letting her feet touch the ground.
which means she bleeds more. she just watches it drip down from her shoulder and like, most of her torso with a blank look. that's cool. awesome. he isn't looking, but she's wildly injured, with multiple holes run through her, as well as a general crispiness that feels like maybe it's more electric based than anything. she's not sure she can stand without collapsing, actually, which is the only reason she's even considering letting him try to carry her.]
I don't... I don't think you can. [but she sounds like maybe she is about to pass out so he might not have to argue with her too much.]
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[ also shenhe is way lighter than wenzhou so this should be doable. he turns around, opening his eyes now so he can look forward, and adjusts, holding out his arms so she can climb onto his back. the blood smell makes him horrifically, painfully nauseous when it gets worse, but he presses his lips together tight and swallows a retch. ]
Come on.
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she doesn't want to make him throw up... she doesn't want to get blood on him, either, because there's so much of it, and it isn't all her own. some of it is nahri's. some of it is wolfwood's. her head spins violently as she stands, and she nearly falls right back down.
so she hesitates, but. after a second she slowly moves forward to get on his back. he can carry her but she's going to pass out, 100%, before they get to wherever.]
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he gets shenhe up on his back! and it's okay, if she passes out. frankly? that's probably better. it's a little wobbly, but he grits his teeth and will carry her all the way back out to his fancy car, and then drive her sad, despairing, passed out ass back to the hotel where she can get cleaned up. it is a testament to his friendship and how much he cares about shenhe that he would rather have to clean a terrible amount of blood out of his brand new car and his expensive suit that he just got than let her suffer for a single second longer than she has to.
at some point, fei du will have to leave shenhe in someone else's care for a bit because he is absurdly, stupidly ill after doing this, but it's worth it. it's always worth it.
when shenhe wakes up, there's a message on her phone, too, that says: ]
There's an empty room down the hall from the others that I got the key for. When you wake up, send me a message and I'll come get you.
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she talks to a few other people. and in that span, someone offers her a little bit of relief, and she takes it. when she comes back a few hours later after not existing for a bit, she's wrung out entirely. but. she's clean. she washes her hair and she throws out her clothes, and she crawls into her crop top sweatshirt and her fashionable sweatpants and wanders out into the hotel with damp hair. physically, she's fine. no whistling breath, no gory wounds.
she picks up her toy axe and she carries it out with her.
nahri is on this floor. she's smiling at her brightly, and then she starts to laugh, and shenhe feels something bright and painful twist in her, and - blood drips to the carpet. alarmed, she presses her fingers to her cheeks, looking at the blood that comes away, and then she spins and goes right back into her room.
the mirror is worse.
it takes a while for her to remember to answer her phone. when she does, even her text sounds like she's teetering on the edge of breaking:]
I can't tell if I'm still covered in blood or not
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Where are you
Stay put
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[thankfully shenhe didn't go far - she's just sitting in the lobby, when he comes back. she's clean, sitting on a chair, hunched over, with towel pressed to her face. he might be able to see the spots of red on it, but that's the only blood that she's got on her now, at least.
she doesn't like this - it hurts, it feels like tiny daggers in her skull, but she can't stop doing it. crying is stupid, she can't even - get any catharsis out of it because it feels so bad to do.
but at least this time she is cognizant that someone is approaching, and she hurriedly tries to wipe her face before looking up at him, hesitant.
she doesn't want to make him sick again...]
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when he comes in the door, shenhe might notice a couple of things! first of all, he's changed into a different fancy boy outfit (did i really need to link this? no. did i want to? yes.) and second of all, he's got a big shopping bag over his arm. thirdly, his face shifts into surprise, and then realization, and then a brief flicker of shock, and then melts into something more familiar, a gentle smile. he looks like the tiniest bit green, but, it is a marked improvement from earlier. ]
... Your eyes are too pretty to have to cry like that. [ weh. it must be some kind of residual effect, or something - it sucks that she DIED and it didn't fix it, but he will keep that to himself. not for the first time wishing he had healing aura, he comes over, and offers her his free hand. ]
Come on.
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she pulls herself up to her feet when he comes over, and takes his hand without protest. her hand is shaking - from exhaustion, mostly, but also from the strain of keeping herself together long enough to be a human.]
I'm not... covered in blood. [she says, uncertainly. she knows she probably isn't because she feels clean and because he's not running for a trash can. but the mirror lied to her, so she's having problems with reality again.
she'll let him lead her.]
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[ hemophobia is extremely inconvenient except for this one time where it is completely helpful? nothing says reality like fei du doesn't look like he's gonna yartz.
he squeezes her hand, gently, when he feels it trembling, and then adjusts, slowing his step so he can let her put her hand on his arm, instead. he'll escort her back to the hotel room area, letting her lean on him if she wants, too. a gentleman, kind and steady. up to the room they go! he'll produce a keycard and open up the door to a room that is not full of other people.
it's just quiet. fei du's psp is sitting on the nightstand, charging, and the beds are neatly made: shenhe the duck is snoozing on the second bed in the pillows. ]
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it's quiet, and it's empty, and the relief in her entire body is palpable. she slumps against him when he opens the door, still trembling, holding onto him a little tightly. she can't handle being around a lot of people right now - she can barely handle being alive, let alone crowded.
she wipes her face with the towel again. and then slowly wanders into the room and sits down on the second bed. the urge to pet shenhe the duck is strong, but she doesn't want to wake her up rudely, so she doesn't, for now. instead...]
... I want to cover the mirrors. [she says, distantly, getting stuck as she stares at herself in the mirror over the dresser.]
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Alright. Go through that, and I'll take care of it in the meantime.
[ so he will do that! he just strips off the blankets from his bed and goes to start covering up the mirrors in the hotel room with those.
in the meantime, inside of the shopping bag are a few things: there's a set of extremely high quality, soft pajamas from the rich bitch store. there's a small bag from the drugstore that has painkillers and some bandages, some sore throat herbal cough drops. an extra blanket i feel like i read we had blankets. there's even a couple bottles of airplane sized alcohol in there. it's a little care package.
shenhe the duck rouses a little when someone sits down, lifting her head and then quacking softly and sleepily. hello. ]
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[oh noooooo this is so sweet... fei du!!!!
she tears her eyes away from her blood-soaked reflection when he starts moving, and looks through the bag. the alcohol is tempting... she doesn't like drinking, doesn't like the taste, but god, she's thinking about it, if only so she can sleep. nightmares are inevitable.
if fei du has any sensibilities they are not considered because when she pulls out the pajamas, she just strips where she is to put them on. normally she'd be a little more private, but he's - safe? he's safe. she can be vulnerable for a second around him. it doesn't take long to put on, and once she's wearing the pajamas, she turns on the bed and scoops shenhe the duck up to hug her.
hmmm, she's crying again.]
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anyway im not gonna lie to you that's exactly why fei du drinks so he'd understand it. that's probably why he included it! he's supposed to help shenhe cope but he is not going to succeed in teaching her how to do that entirely healthily because he sure as shit doesn't know how to. or, well, he does, but he sure as shit doesn't do it.
anyway. it doesn't take him too long to cover the mirrors. he's surprisingly handy with weird, fiddly little tasks - all delicate touches and careful fingers, using the edges of the mirrors to tuck the sheets in. he pulls the window curtains shut, too, just for safe measure, nudges the bathroom door mostly shut, and lets just the artificial lamplight light the quiet hotel room, instead.
if he has sensibilities, they aren't bothered. really, he doesn't. he has seen an unholy amount of women naked in his life and he's a gentleman and not tempted to look - when he glances back briefly to check on her he just turns his head back what he's doing and moves on. and by the time he's all finished, fei du comes over and sits down on the bed next to her. it's hard not take stock of the bloody tears, immediately - his stomach flips, but he ignores it - and he reaches for a box of tissues on the night stand, carefully balls one up, and goes to try and dab some of it away.
shenhe the duck is perfectly okay with this. it's safe and warm and snuggly so she just wiggles her little feet and tries to get comfortable again. ]
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the silence feels good. restorative. like being out in the city all day long, listening to people yelling and chattering, cars honking, city noise, overwhelming. like standing at a concert for hours and then finally going home and curling up on the couch, in the dark. her heartbeat thundering in her ears lets her know that she's alive, that she's here, that the beach is gone for now.
she jumps just a little when he wipes her tears, but. she lets him, with a little sniff.
it's relief, mostly. being here. it's relief, and exhaustion, and leftover horror. the way things settle when you're out of adrenaline. she just looks at him like she's - out of it, like she still can't focus.
it's a little demonic wet kitten, holding a duck, crying blood tears and looking like she's dissociating out of her mind.]
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shenhe the duck is good at dealing with people crying. unlike fei du. and probably unlike shenhe the person. but this is because shenhe the duck was born and then like, immediately spent at least half of her time with nahri, so when she can tell that shenhe the person is sad, she fluffs up her little feathers and snuggles up closer to her and into the pets. :(
fei du turns the tissues and gently wipes away the last little bit of tears, nudging away at the tracks on her face for his sake and her own. he's leaning back a little bit for the sake of not making this gross for either of them, but it doens't change the care in the gesture, or the way his straight brows are pinched together, or the little frown on his face. he'll take care of shenhe the way he took care of mother he, the way he's looked after chenchen, and so many other people - as carefully, as kindly as he can.
soothing and quiet, he regards the look on her face as one that's probably been on his own a thousand times, and takes a slow, deep breath. demonstrating, maybe. ]
I want you to do me a favor. Can you tell me three things you can see? Just right here.
[ please dont be a hallucination ]
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