[Shenhe truly does not deserve this SHENHE YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!! Unfortunately Kaveh has not left this hell room. He's just here on his hands and knees, his fists digging into the ground, feeling like ground zero of a nuclear explosion. THINGS ARE NOT OKAY.]
it's alright her emotions are currently broken as fuck because she just watched two people she really cares about die and I'm not sure that's ever happened to her before so. we are all doing great.
the nice thing is because she is broken like this, it means it's easier for her to come to him. so she does, crouching, and then gently kneeling next to him, resting a hand on his back.]
Kaveh. [she wants to help.] ... Scream, if you need to.
[The saving grace, if there is one, is that Kaveh isn't present enough to flinch away or lash out. He barely seems to register her touch, let alone her presence, through the blinding fog of pain and anger.
He doesn't have it in him to scream--he barely has it in him to breathe. He must be, he knows, because his throat and his chest hurt every time he does, but he can't feel it. He can't feel the tears on his face or the cut of his nails into his hands.
Eventually, though, he manages to speak.]
...I wasn't ready.
[He'd known that it would probably end like this. They'd talked about it just yesterday. And yet--it feels so horribly sudden anyway.]
[when she sees the tears, the way his nails dig into his hands, she shifts. moves so that she's kneeling in front of him, and taking his hands. tries to uncurl them, tries to take them instead. he can hurt her if he wants. she doesn't want him to hurt himself.]
[He's stiff, a little resistant--but not necessarily because of her. His body is just locked up in lingering shock, like it's trying to guard against any more pain.]
I knew he didn't want to live. But I thought--I thought it would be his decision.
[That Matsui would be able to die with dignity and grace. That they'd have a chance to at least try and save Rang.
[she's - trying, very very hard, to not lose it, because she's been a void for hours now, she's been a nuisance all week. she's trying so hard to keep it together for kaveh, because he has been nothing but kind to her and she wants to return the favor.
but rang was so afraid of being abandoned makes all of her carefully arranged emotions tilt and fall to the left, and there's this sensation of burning eyes and a tight throat, and the urge to cry.
she can't. she doesn't know how, but it's there, the grief crawling up her throat and threatening to break free.]
I know. [it's what they'd bonded over.] He told me something, the first week we were here, and I've kept it since then.
Because of that, I defended him, when people assumed he killed Rin. I've never regretted that.
[It's hard to tell whose pain belongs to who, really. Kaveh doesn't know the details of Shenhe's life, only has bits and pieces of a dream world that may or may not have been built from her memories. He has no way to know what exactly she's been through without asking, and there's never been a good moment for something like that.
He doesn't know what's holding her back, and he doesn't really know that there's reason to ask. But he can shed enough tears for the both of them, and it's likely he will before they leave this room.]
No. [Softly.] He wasn't.
[Kaveh never hesitated to make his feelings clear. He'd clashed openly and unabashedly with Rang plenty of times, yelled at him, lashed out--any number of things. But he hadn't really thought Rang killed Rin. He'd seen that, no matter what Rang said, Rang tried to look out for his team. He'd never been afraid, even knowing Rang likely would have killed eventually. And he'd never wanted Rang to die. That was the entire point.
He draws in a shaky breath.]
He didn't want to be forgotten. [It's not what Rang had said, but it's what he'd meant.] I told him I'd build him something.
[And yes, he'd known that Rang wouldn't be around to see it--but he'd still thought there would be time to do... something. To tell him he hadn't changed his mind in the daylight.
They went into this knowing that Matsui wouldn't make it, and that, most likely, he'd take Rang with him. But it feels like they've been robbed of so much, even so.]
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Week 2, Sunday
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it's alright her emotions are currently broken as fuck because she just watched two people she really cares about die and I'm not sure that's ever happened to her before so. we are all doing great.
the nice thing is because she is broken like this, it means it's easier for her to come to him. so she does, crouching, and then gently kneeling next to him, resting a hand on his back.]
Kaveh. [she wants to help.] ... Scream, if you need to.
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He doesn't have it in him to scream--he barely has it in him to breathe. He must be, he knows, because his throat and his chest hurt every time he does, but he can't feel it. He can't feel the tears on his face or the cut of his nails into his hands.
Eventually, though, he manages to speak.]
...I wasn't ready.
[He'd known that it would probably end like this. They'd talked about it just yesterday. And yet--it feels so horribly sudden anyway.]
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[when she sees the tears, the way his nails dig into his hands, she shifts. moves so that she's kneeling in front of him, and taking his hands. tries to uncurl them, tries to take them instead. he can hurt her if he wants. she doesn't want him to hurt himself.]
But I don't think I ever would have been.
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I knew he didn't want to live. But I thought--I thought it would be his decision.
[That Matsui would be able to die with dignity and grace. That they'd have a chance to at least try and save Rang.
God. His heart aches.]
...Rang was so afraid of being abandoned.
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but rang was so afraid of being abandoned makes all of her carefully arranged emotions tilt and fall to the left, and there's this sensation of burning eyes and a tight throat, and the urge to cry.
she can't. she doesn't know how, but it's there, the grief crawling up her throat and threatening to break free.]
I know. [it's what they'd bonded over.] He told me something, the first week we were here, and I've kept it since then.
Because of that, I defended him, when people assumed he killed Rin. I've never regretted that.
[she holds his hands, still.]
He was not as inhuman as he thought.
[she wants to cry. she wishes she could cry.]
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He doesn't know what's holding her back, and he doesn't really know that there's reason to ask. But he can shed enough tears for the both of them, and it's likely he will before they leave this room.]
No. [Softly.] He wasn't.
[Kaveh never hesitated to make his feelings clear. He'd clashed openly and unabashedly with Rang plenty of times, yelled at him, lashed out--any number of things. But he hadn't really thought Rang killed Rin. He'd seen that, no matter what Rang said, Rang tried to look out for his team. He'd never been afraid, even knowing Rang likely would have killed eventually. And he'd never wanted Rang to die. That was the entire point.
He draws in a shaky breath.]
He didn't want to be forgotten. [It's not what Rang had said, but it's what he'd meant.] I told him I'd build him something.
[And yes, he'd known that Rang wouldn't be around to see it--but he'd still thought there would be time to do... something. To tell him he hadn't changed his mind in the daylight.
They went into this knowing that Matsui wouldn't make it, and that, most likely, he'd take Rang with him. But it feels like they've been robbed of so much, even so.]
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she exhales out slow, watching him.]
I'd like to help. If you'll have me.
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I'll see what I can do.