[There's a pretty immense amount of guilt in the moments before he takes her hand, but he does do exactly that, moving over after those seconds of hesitation end. He settles down next to her, not quite close enough to touch, and closes his eyes. One hand reaches for the ash, regardless of whether it's still smoldering.]
[It really was just emotionless to Emotionless. Girl. Someone help Shenhe.
He wonders how much easier it would have been for him, if he'd been cursed in the same way. People taking away his ability to feel things, giving it back-- it makes something angry pulse through him, but it's like a sea creature just barely cresting the sea. There for an instant, and then sinking away again.]
I don't know. [she's tired. people keep telling her it's better to feel, but she's not really sure she agrees. she wishes someone had asked, before giving all of it back to her. any sort of choice.]
If I ask you something, will you answer me honestly?
["I don't know" is about as much of an answer as he'd expected. Very much same hat. People need to ask before they start snatching things away and giving them back all willynilly, like they aren't toying with real hearts.
[Oh. He supposes he should have expected something like this, because so many people are walking on eggshells trying to avoid getting to this exact heart of the matter.
Shenhe just comes right out and says it, though. Matsui is silent for a few long moments.]
...I-- don't wish to cause harm to others.
[Even though he still doesn't think that his absence will make all that great of a difference, the slightest of inconveniences is still something he wants to avoid. He raises his free hand, covered in ash, and rests it against his chest.]
But it is difficult. [Staying. Not following. It hurts - everyone who's spent more than a second around him knows how much it hurts him. Another few seconds and then, quieter still:] I didn't ask to be made into this, in the first place.
not a single thing could make him stay, she thinks. there's another little wave of something full of sorrow - twice, even, because she'll be losing two people at once, two people she's grown to care about.]
I don't want you to hurt. [she says, finally. that's true. she doesn't. he doesn't deserve to have to keep going when it's the last thing he wants.
still. she holds his hand a little tightly.] But I would miss you.
[it feels heavy. it's been so long since she's felt this heavy.]
[He grips her hand back a little, half-reflexive and half-responsive. He's felt heavy for so long, but he can still sense each new weight in it.
The last thing he wants is to give her another reason to curse her heart, or think it not strong enough. Being able to speak with her, knowing that he understood her - they're all invaluable moments. Little, precious glimmers of gold dust in the sand. In such a short span of time, she'd become a comrade to him.]
...I would miss you, as well.
[Or he would, if he was able to. If he did follow Buzen, he doesn't know what would await. Oblivion doesn't sound too terrible.]
to lose three people who understood what it's like to not quite interact with humanity the same way in one weekend is a painful concept, to her. there are things she's only told matsui, things she's only told rang, only told buzen, because they would know what she meant. libby had said she hadn't planned the death of three people, but shenhe thinks - it doesn't matter. she did. and she thinks that she can't forgive that.
she doesn't say it to him, but she's not surprised that calamity followed her here too.
she sits, watching the tree finally burn out.]
I'll remember Buzen. [she tells him. she wishes she still knew how to cry.] And I'll remember you.
[Matsui keeps hold of her hand through the silence, because he never really knows what to say. Especially in times like this, when words are so difficult and so painful.
Physical connection is something he's minutely better with, but even then, not by much. This is the most he can do, and he feels inadequate for it, as he often does. But there's a stir in his emotions when she says that. Something light - something grateful, rising out of the mires of his misery.]
...I-- will try.
[He can't make any promises, but. He'll try. He'll try to not let himself be pulled away by the force of his own despair - at least not so soon.]
But thank you. Please, remember him in particular. It's always meant the most to him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
and then very carefully she holds out a hand to him. he can come sit down if he wants to. she can weather it.]
no subject
...The human heart is a horrible thing.
no subject
[agreed. no hesitation. he settles, and she - will still hold his hand, if he lets her. she doesn't stop him from reaching for the ash, either.]
I was fine without emotions, while it lasted. [she's the one weirdo in this place who doesn't mind being cursed, apparently.]
no subject
...I wonder why someone did that to you, even so. What they were trying to do for you, or save you from.
[At least it makes sense with him GIVEN HIS EVERYTHING.]
no subject
[she glances at him.]
Any sort of anger that I felt from others only made mine worse, and I expressed to a few people that I was afraid I would hurt someone, during trial.
[so, you know. same hat, ig???]
no subject
...And you didn't mind it?
[That period where she was without feeling.]
no subject
[she says, with a sigh.]
It made things easier. [but like, that's sort of her default, is emotionless, so...]
no subject
He wonders how much easier it would have been for him, if he'd been cursed in the same way. People taking away his ability to feel things, giving it back-- it makes something angry pulse through him, but it's like a sea creature just barely cresting the sea. There for an instant, and then sinking away again.]
...What about now?
no subject
I don't know. [she's tired. people keep telling her it's better to feel, but she's not really sure she agrees. she wishes someone had asked, before giving all of it back to her. any sort of choice.]
If I ask you something, will you answer me honestly?
no subject
The question has him glancing over, though.]
--I will try to, yes.
no subject
[she looks at him, for a moment. there's just something heavy. something sad, something resigned, already mourning.]
Or will you follow Buzen?
no subject
Shenhe just comes right out and says it, though. Matsui is silent for a few long moments.]
...I-- don't wish to cause harm to others.
[Even though he still doesn't think that his absence will make all that great of a difference, the slightest of inconveniences is still something he wants to avoid. He raises his free hand, covered in ash, and rests it against his chest.]
But it is difficult. [Staying. Not following. It hurts - everyone who's spent more than a second around him knows how much it hurts him. Another few seconds and then, quieter still:] I didn't ask to be made into this, in the first place.
[SWIRTH IS A NIGHTMARE AND LIVING IS A CURSE.]
no subject
not a single thing could make him stay, she thinks. there's another little wave of something full of sorrow - twice, even, because she'll be losing two people at once, two people she's grown to care about.]
I don't want you to hurt. [she says, finally. that's true. she doesn't. he doesn't deserve to have to keep going when it's the last thing he wants.
still. she holds his hand a little tightly.] But I would miss you.
[it feels heavy. it's been so long since she's felt this heavy.]
no subject
The last thing he wants is to give her another reason to curse her heart, or think it not strong enough. Being able to speak with her, knowing that he understood her - they're all invaluable moments. Little, precious glimmers of gold dust in the sand. In such a short span of time, she'd become a comrade to him.]
...I would miss you, as well.
[Or he would, if he was able to. If he did follow Buzen, he doesn't know what would await. Oblivion doesn't sound too terrible.]
no subject
to lose three people who understood what it's like to not quite interact with humanity the same way in one weekend is a painful concept, to her. there are things she's only told matsui, things she's only told rang, only told buzen, because they would know what she meant. libby had said she hadn't planned the death of three people, but shenhe thinks - it doesn't matter. she did. and she thinks that she can't forgive that.
she doesn't say it to him, but she's not surprised that calamity followed her here too.
she sits, watching the tree finally burn out.]
I'll remember Buzen. [she tells him. she wishes she still knew how to cry.] And I'll remember you.
no subject
Physical connection is something he's minutely better with, but even then, not by much. This is the most he can do, and he feels inadequate for it, as he often does. But there's a stir in his emotions when she says that. Something light - something grateful, rising out of the mires of his misery.]
...I-- will try.
[He can't make any promises, but. He'll try. He'll try to not let himself be pulled away by the force of his own despair - at least not so soon.]
But thank you. Please, remember him in particular. It's always meant the most to him.