...Way back before everything else, remember how we'd talk? I feel like - I didn't let too many people know about that, but I let you know.
I never really believed in a happy ending. I always thought there'd be a price in blood, and that the person who paid it would be the only one to benefit.
I thought about it often. You trusted me with something important.
[she tucks her hair behind her ear.]
... When Gerard found me that night, he told me that what he was doing was for you, and for Haru. He said that he didn't want you to have to make the decision to be a monster for other people. I don't know this for sure, but I also think that he chose me because he knew I would kill, if someone else didn't do it first. It made me think of what we spoke about, and what we were willing to do.
...He did. And Gerard and I had sort of similar thoughts about that, which is why I picked Lambda. It wasn't a matter of me thinking she was bad. Actually, I always sort of respected the people who were willing to fight for their lives. I thought Lambda was pretty cool. But...I also wanted to like - I dunno. There was part of me that also just wanted it to be a swimming competition or a decorating competition and to say we refuse to kill and hurt each other. So the people who were trying to play in a game like that, I wanted to leave them out of it and just compete against the people playing the same game I was.
I never would have chosen you, but when Gerard told me why, it was - it wasn't different from my reasons. I just liked you, that's all. But since I'd decided to win anyway, and since winning meant every other team would be erased, I felt like I had to swallow any regrets I had about who got hurt.
[...] But the rules changed, and it turned out that I think what we really needed over here were the people willing to fight hard. And those decisions led to a situation where one of the people I wanted to protect most wound up having to learn how to kill people.
I don't know what to take from that, I really don't, but I wish your team had had you and Most Moist M had had Lambda, because both teams needed you guys.
[she stares out over - well, not the warehouses. whatever she can see, on her side.]
I don't know what to take from it either. [she knows that teams and points and killing the right people is important, and she knows that in the end her death served a purpose that's more important than anything else, but...
she's had to watch the living for so long, now. her team survived week after week. and while she wasn't entirely alone in death, she still feels so complicated about all of this, and she's not exactly sure how to express it.]
I wouldn't have lasted. I was a better target than you and Haru. [...] Gerard, too. It took an extraordinary amount of effort to have people vote your team.
[she tilts her head back.]
Haaah. I don't know how to talk about this. You were doing what was right to do, and I don't blame you for it, but I still feel as though I was a means to an end. A monster to be defeated on the way to the end of the story.
[mmm. that last part especially doesn't sit right with her. that's not who shenhe is.]
I do feel like that's the narrative now. Me and Haru are - well, not heroes, but brave little kids who did something noble. But stories aren't usually good at capturing nuance.
You're not a monster. Not like that, not like you're saying. And we didn't kill you to defeat something bad. We killed you because we decided to be monsters and we wanted to be the strongest ones, the ones who won. [they didn't even know about saving other teams, when shenhe died.] And maybe Gerard did want to protect me, but it's not like you had to die for me to be protected. He could have killed, like, Mizuki to protect me, and it would have been the same result. I just kind of forced his hand, because I was so sure of the way things had to be.
... I don't say this to make you feel guilty, but it was difficult to have to send messages to protect your team a week after I died. [she says it a little wryly.] Still.
Thank you. [she means that.] I think I like your perspective. I usually do.
I have had a lot of time to think about what happened. I've talked with Gerard a lot about it, and he has been kind. The only thing left to do about it now is let time give me distance from it. [...] I hope that it doesn't sound disingenuous to say that I do think you're brave.
[a beat. her lips twitch a little as she glances at ylfa.] Brave with nuance.
Yeah. Well. If it makes you feel any better, it was difficult to see a bunch of people getting messages saying to protect us when we'd just killed three people.
[not only did it sort of doxx that they'd done more than one to anyone paying attention, but it just felt bad.]
It doesn't sound disingenuous. I just don't think being brave is always as good a quality as people make it out to be. Like, honestly, a lot of things I've done in the past that were brave were because I didn't really care very much what happened to me... it's much, much harder to care about staying alive.
[she smiles in return - these come a lot easier than they used to.]
I'm glad for that. That makes me happy. [...] I think the thing that I have learned most while being here is that being a good person is something that comes easy for some people, and not so much for others.
I find it difficult to be a good person. I am selfish, and most times I don't care to change that. But I am trying to be mindful when that hurts other people, and I have been told that's enough.
Emotions are difficult. I'm glad to feel them, but I didn't realize how complex they were. Is that true for you? [she sounds like, genuinely curious.]
[emotions haven't ever been her problem exactly; though she was raised, not unlike many girls, to be a good girl and never be a problem for anyone, and learned not to let herself become angry, and when she changed and her anger became so powerful, it was hard to always manage it.]
I don't really know anything about being a good person. The only thing I really know is that a lot of the people who think of themselves as good people are mainly people who have never had to deal with something that didn't have an easy answer. I always thought I was a good person before all this wolf stuff happened with me, but what was I even doing? Just being nice to my grandma and not backsassing my mom and going to bed on time, not anything that matters or cost me anything.
But that's not true of you. And that's probably why you find it difficult.
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no subject
...Way back before everything else, remember how we'd talk? I feel like - I didn't let too many people know about that, but I let you know.
I never really believed in a happy ending. I always thought there'd be a price in blood, and that the person who paid it would be the only one to benefit.
no subject
[she tucks her hair behind her ear.]
... When Gerard found me that night, he told me that what he was doing was for you, and for Haru. He said that he didn't want you to have to make the decision to be a monster for other people. I don't know this for sure, but I also think that he chose me because he knew I would kill, if someone else didn't do it first. It made me think of what we spoke about, and what we were willing to do.
I don't know if I'm angry. I think I'm sad.
no subject
[oof. she sighs, heavy, watching her.]
...He did. And Gerard and I had sort of similar thoughts about that, which is why I picked Lambda. It wasn't a matter of me thinking she was bad. Actually, I always sort of respected the people who were willing to fight for their lives. I thought Lambda was pretty cool. But...I also wanted to like - I dunno. There was part of me that also just wanted it to be a swimming competition or a decorating competition and to say we refuse to kill and hurt each other. So the people who were trying to play in a game like that, I wanted to leave them out of it and just compete against the people playing the same game I was.
I never would have chosen you, but when Gerard told me why, it was - it wasn't different from my reasons. I just liked you, that's all. But since I'd decided to win anyway, and since winning meant every other team would be erased, I felt like I had to swallow any regrets I had about who got hurt.
[...] But the rules changed, and it turned out that I think what we really needed over here were the people willing to fight hard. And those decisions led to a situation where one of the people I wanted to protect most wound up having to learn how to kill people.
I don't know what to take from that, I really don't, but I wish your team had had you and Most Moist M had had Lambda, because both teams needed you guys.
no subject
I don't know what to take from it either. [she knows that teams and points and killing the right people is important, and she knows that in the end her death served a purpose that's more important than anything else, but...
she's had to watch the living for so long, now. her team survived week after week. and while she wasn't entirely alone in death, she still feels so complicated about all of this, and she's not exactly sure how to express it.]
I wouldn't have lasted. I was a better target than you and Haru. [...] Gerard, too. It took an extraordinary amount of effort to have people vote your team.
[she tilts her head back.]
Haaah. I don't know how to talk about this. You were doing what was right to do, and I don't blame you for it, but I still feel as though I was a means to an end. A monster to be defeated on the way to the end of the story.
no subject
I do feel like that's the narrative now. Me and Haru are - well, not heroes, but brave little kids who did something noble. But stories aren't usually good at capturing nuance.
You're not a monster. Not like that, not like you're saying. And we didn't kill you to defeat something bad. We killed you because we decided to be monsters and we wanted to be the strongest ones, the ones who won. [they didn't even know about saving other teams, when shenhe died.] And maybe Gerard did want to protect me, but it's not like you had to die for me to be protected. He could have killed, like, Mizuki to protect me, and it would have been the same result. I just kind of forced his hand, because I was so sure of the way things had to be.
no subject
... I don't say this to make you feel guilty, but it was difficult to have to send messages to protect your team a week after I died. [she says it a little wryly.] Still.
Thank you. [she means that.] I think I like your perspective. I usually do.
I have had a lot of time to think about what happened. I've talked with Gerard a lot about it, and he has been kind. The only thing left to do about it now is let time give me distance from it. [...] I hope that it doesn't sound disingenuous to say that I do think you're brave.
[a beat. her lips twitch a little as she glances at ylfa.] Brave with nuance.
no subject
[not only did it sort of doxx that they'd done more than one to anyone paying attention, but it just felt bad.]
It doesn't sound disingenuous. I just don't think being brave is always as good a quality as people make it out to be. Like, honestly, a lot of things I've done in the past that were brave were because I didn't really care very much what happened to me... it's much, much harder to care about staying alive.
no subject
I understand. [she thinks about it for a minute. and then, easily enough:] ... I care about what happens to you.
no subject
[a small smile.]
no subject
I'm glad for that. That makes me happy. [...] I think the thing that I have learned most while being here is that being a good person is something that comes easy for some people, and not so much for others.
I find it difficult to be a good person. I am selfish, and most times I don't care to change that. But I am trying to be mindful when that hurts other people, and I have been told that's enough.
Emotions are difficult. I'm glad to feel them, but I didn't realize how complex they were. Is that true for you? [she sounds like, genuinely curious.]
no subject
[emotions haven't ever been her problem exactly; though she was raised, not unlike many girls, to be a good girl and never be a problem for anyone, and learned not to let herself become angry, and when she changed and her anger became so powerful, it was hard to always manage it.]
I don't really know anything about being a good person. The only thing I really know is that a lot of the people who think of themselves as good people are mainly people who have never had to deal with something that didn't have an easy answer. I always thought I was a good person before all this wolf stuff happened with me, but what was I even doing? Just being nice to my grandma and not backsassing my mom and going to bed on time, not anything that matters or cost me anything.
But that's not true of you. And that's probably why you find it difficult.