he opens his mouth, like he's about to say something - and for a moment, there's a crack in perfect porcelain, because shenhe can likely see the way fei du almost flounders for the right response. what's he supposed to say here? what should he do? how does someone react in this situation?
...... ]
... Alright. [ is eventually what he settles on, slowly. cagey, almost - like a cornered animal. ] ....Do you have a question to ask?
The two of us got along, though I get along well with Rang, too.
[ his shitty little boy club! for a minute there, it seems like it's all fei du's going to say, as he looks down into the cup in his hands; his expression is heavier than usual, though, and after a long pause, if shenhe's patient: ]
...We had a conversation about family, a few days ago. D and I did. What he said today - that he'd already lost sight of hope - was something his father said to him, and he didn't want to be like his father. But, it was too late.
[ sorry he has to take 45 thousand detours to get to any kind of point ever
another long pause. he looks like he wants to wriggle out of it, like he wants to talk about anything else. like it's heavy - like he has to unlatch every single word from wherever he's hidden them, tear them out of his ribcage bit by bit. bleed the blood. rip out the rotten flesh. ]
... Because I know how he felt. And if I were in his shoes, I would have asked for the same thing.
[this is why it's funny that he has to talk to shenhe, who is like no. i will terminator stomp at you until you answer.
she doesn't move, just takes each piece of rot that he pulls out, calmly. she lives in the mountains - she has learned that it is part of the world, and she's not frightened or repulsed by it.]
... You know how he felt. [she repeats.] Because you have lost hope in the past, or because you feel like you might.
[ there's something about being threatening that works perfectly well on fei du because he's like just a tiny bit of a criminal. just a little bit. you have to treat him like one or he'll slip right through your fingers and that's just a fact of life.
after a moment, he shakes his head. ]
...no. I don't really deal in hope. [ it's like he said during trial, when the rin apparition showed up. that the idea of someone just showing up as a ghost couldn't be a message of support; it was a bone-chilling distraction designed to throw the trial even further.
he works his jaw, for a moment. ]
I know he felt because if I ever become like my father, I'd want someone to kill me, too.
she nods, a little, when he says he doesn't deal in hope. she's ambivalent. fate happens. as for the rest of that, though, she shifts, so that she's a little more comfortable where she is.]
Understandable. [easy, like she doesn't even hesitate.] Is he still alive? Your father.
Yes. [ this is much easier to talk about, actually? he relaxes a little, minutely - expression falling back into something more normal as he rubs his thumb absently against the coffee cup in his hand. ] In as much as you can call it alive.
He's a vegetable. [ a pause - and. with just a hint of humor, as he realizes what he's said and who he's said it to: ] Not literally.
...Rather, there was a car accident, a few years ago. He's alive, but he has no brain function, and is being kept on life support by machines.
Oh. [that... that is two things, to her. first, it's amazing. there's no sort of thing that can do that in teyvat, so it's kind of a miracle. second, it's fucking horrifying. haha!]
Why? [she sounds almost offended? scandalized. why would you keep the body alive with no spirit to inhabit it?
[ no that's fine. trust him he has terrible feelings about it too! ]
A long time ago, he filled out some medical paperwork. In that, he opted to be kept alive if anything like this did ever happen. Just in case his brain begins functioning again, and he wakes up.
[ so. ] It's been three years since the accident, with no signs of life, since.
[she is absolutely horrified by this - it doesn't. show, because... she is the way she is. but it very much bothers her, and the way she shifts might suggest it.]
That is... it is worse than death. [she says. she sounds a little ill.] But it may be deserved, if you would rather die than be like him.
It's horrible, isn't it? [ somewhere between life and death. not moving. not breathing on his own. just wasting away in a hospital bed on a thousand machines by the seaside. ] And yet, Fei Chengyu chose to exist that way.
[ too stubborn to just die, when there was nothing left. just in case. a man who had to be in control, to the bitter end. ]
... I don't know if deserved is the right word. But I know that I'd prefer him to be where he is than alive.
[ this is an acceptable compromise. it was just a flash of metaphorical feathers, just a tiny little warning - that was a lot for fei du, someone who is immensely private, and when she backs off, he relaxes again, shoulders rolling backwards as he falls easily back into the relaxed stance he was in before.
when shenhe holds out her hand, too, he'll take it. he places his in hers - long fingers, soft skin - and pull himself up to stand as asked, reaching to absently brush himself off. uppies! ]
[ he does not stop her from this nor does he make her let go of his sleeve - fei du's expression warms up, any of the stress of the moment before just melting away, and he laughs a little. like it never even happened. ]
a moment here. because the truth is that fei du is an incredibly, incredibly picky eater. especially when it comes to the food trucks. actually, when it comes to most things.
... but shenhe ends it with "share them with people i care about" and in a millisecond, he makes his decision with an award winning smile. ]
[ i'm still shaken by this callout 12 hours later. BIXING IS NORMAL!!!! BIXING!!!!!
anyway ]
You. [ herbs and flowers
he breaks into a smile. ] ... Are you a goat? [ no bully!!! but, then, laughs, much warmer and much, much more normal than before. ] I really like sweets, and there's a truck that makes chicken dumplings that I enjoyed. Either of those would be great.
she gives him a flat look when he laughs at her, but - the laugh itself makes her a little less annoyed at him. it's nice to hear him laugh like that.]
I would try those. [she says, tugging him along. and then, a little huffily:] I am not a goat. I'm human.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he opens his mouth, like he's about to say something - and for a moment, there's a crack in perfect porcelain, because shenhe can likely see the way fei du almost flounders for the right response. what's he supposed to say here? what should he do? how does someone react in this situation?
...... ]
... Alright. [ is eventually what he settles on, slowly. cagey, almost - like a cornered animal. ] ....Do you have a question to ask?
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[not that... she isn't. because she is, but. this is the only way she knows how to ask.]
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The two of us got along, though I get along well with Rang, too.
[ his shitty little boy club! for a minute there, it seems like it's all fei du's going to say, as he looks down into the cup in his hands; his expression is heavier than usual, though, and after a long pause, if shenhe's patient: ]
...We had a conversation about family, a few days ago. D and I did. What he said today - that he'd already lost sight of hope - was something his father said to him, and he didn't want to be like his father. But, it was too late.
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anyway - she is patient. she's patient enough for this.]
Hm. [she tilts her head.] Why did that upset you?
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another long pause. he looks like he wants to wriggle out of it, like he wants to talk about anything else. like it's heavy - like he has to unlatch every single word from wherever he's hidden them, tear them out of his ribcage bit by bit. bleed the blood. rip out the rotten flesh. ]
... Because I know how he felt. And if I were in his shoes, I would have asked for the same thing.
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she doesn't move, just takes each piece of rot that he pulls out, calmly. she lives in the mountains - she has learned that it is part of the world, and she's not frightened or repulsed by it.]
... You know how he felt. [she repeats.] Because you have lost hope in the past, or because you feel like you might.
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after a moment, he shakes his head. ]
...no. I don't really deal in hope. [ it's like he said during trial, when the rin apparition showed up. that the idea of someone just showing up as a ghost couldn't be a message of support; it was a bone-chilling distraction designed to throw the trial even further.
he works his jaw, for a moment. ]
I know he felt because if I ever become like my father, I'd want someone to kill me, too.
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she nods, a little, when he says he doesn't deal in hope. she's ambivalent. fate happens. as for the rest of that, though, she shifts, so that she's a little more comfortable where she is.]
Understandable. [easy, like she doesn't even hesitate.] Is he still alive? Your father.
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Yes. [ this is much easier to talk about, actually? he relaxes a little, minutely - expression falling back into something more normal as he rubs his thumb absently against the coffee cup in his hand. ] In as much as you can call it alive.
He's a vegetable. [ a pause - and. with just a hint of humor, as he realizes what he's said and who he's said it to: ] Not literally.
...Rather, there was a car accident, a few years ago. He's alive, but he has no brain function, and is being kept on life support by machines.
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Oh. [that... that is two things, to her. first, it's amazing. there's no sort of thing that can do that in teyvat, so it's kind of a miracle. second, it's fucking horrifying. haha!]
Why? [she sounds almost offended? scandalized. why would you keep the body alive with no spirit to inhabit it?
she tries to not think about that too hard.]
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A long time ago, he filled out some medical paperwork. In that, he opted to be kept alive if anything like this did ever happen. Just in case his brain begins functioning again, and he wakes up.
[ so. ] It's been three years since the accident, with no signs of life, since.
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That is... it is worse than death. [she says. she sounds a little ill.] But it may be deserved, if you would rather die than be like him.
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It's horrible, isn't it? [ somewhere between life and death. not moving. not breathing on his own. just wasting away in a hospital bed on a thousand machines by the seaside. ] And yet, Fei Chengyu chose to exist that way.
[ too stubborn to just die, when there was nothing left. just in case. a man who had to be in control, to the bitter end. ]
... I don't know if deserved is the right word. But I know that I'd prefer him to be where he is than alive.
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What did he do to you? [just, blunt. there's no reason for her not to ask, in her mind.]
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Shenhe.
[ softly - it's not harsh, but it is a warning. i've had enough. ]
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a pause. and then she stands, holding out a hand.]
Stand up. [it's not unkind. she'll drop it, out of respect for someone who has done what he has for her, but she isn't going anywhere.]
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when shenhe holds out her hand, too, he'll take it. he places his in hers - long fingers, soft skin - and pull himself up to stand as asked, reaching to absently brush himself off. uppies! ]
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she helps him up, gentle. and then takes his sleeve, and starts to walk. come along.]
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Where are we going?
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[a pause.]
... Wolfwood told me that I should try new foods, and share them with people I care about. Be "adventurous."
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a moment here. because the truth is that fei du is an incredibly, incredibly picky eater. especially when it comes to the food trucks. actually, when it comes to most things.
... but shenhe ends it with "share them with people i care about" and in a millisecond, he makes his decision with an award winning smile. ]
Alright. What kind of food do you want to try?
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I don't know yet. Is there anything you like here? [...] I normally only eat herbs and flowers that grow in the mountains.
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anyway ]
You. [ herbs and flowers
he breaks into a smile. ] ... Are you a goat? [ no bully!!! but, then, laughs, much warmer and much, much more normal than before. ] I really like sweets, and there's a truck that makes chicken dumplings that I enjoyed. Either of those would be great.
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she gives him a flat look when he laughs at her, but - the laugh itself makes her a little less annoyed at him. it's nice to hear him laugh like that.]
I would try those. [she says, tugging him along. and then, a little huffily:] I am not a goat. I'm human.