as he holds out his glass to get refilled by whatever fckin thing we have here i don't pay attention, and just pulls it up to his mouth again and takes another long drink. ]
[like with valerie. even though she doesn't think that's quite the same thing, because valerie was rude and shenhe has been trying her very, very best to figure out how to navigate this without hurting people. maybe it'd be better if he was angry. or something. she doesn't know.
they are similar, in this respect. she doesn't say anything because he knows the answer.]
It isn't my fault. [but it kind of feels that way, though. like an extension of her is responsible for hurting an extension of him. this is why she never wanted to be on a team. if it was just her, she could control it better.]
[ he doesn't address the first part, mostly because he just doesn't have it in him. it's fine. he'd rather just be the bad guy. destroy all the good relationships he does have, bit by bit, part by part, before they get destroyed another way anyway. it's just how it goes.
for the most part, anyway. he watches shenhe rest her head on the bar, and takes another drink of his wine, turning his gaze back out to the wall.
... ] Yes. [ And it may be the end for some of us. ] You'll get to see Nahri soon.
he felt the same yesterday, when he cried - bizarre, out of his body. today is a little better, because he’s just so wrung out and frankly now starting to drink enough, and he can help shenhe, too. his heart breaks for her. ]
…it’s all almost over. [ quietly, as he cleans up her face. ] Just a little more.
the little “oh” gets him to smile - wry and wrung out, tired, but he nudges away at the tears until they’re gone. I know. he knows. he knows it sucks. he knows she’s not used to it. he knows she’s wrung out and miserable, because he feels the same. ]
I think Friday was the first time I’ve ever cried. It’s not very fun.
[she sniffs, letting him wipe the tears away. they'll keep coming for a bit, but it's alright, it's... cathartic, maybe.]
It... no. [she agrees, faintly, trying to center herself.] It isn't. I haven't... I don't think I have since I was small.
[since the cave, since pulling herself to her feet to face the monster. her breath shivers when she drags it in.]
... Cloud Retainer isn't going to know what to do with me, I think. [she's changed, so much. but - isn't that how it should be? to be loved is to be changed.]
[ mood. it’s one of the things the two of them most have in common, the awkward fumbling around a new feeling, around emotions that are too big for people who barely know how to feel them. someone said to fei du on Friday, in the midst of the swirl of his misery, that grief was the diametric of love, and that to feel grief meant you could feel love, meant you were human. it’s stuck with him ever since, and he feels it, sitting here with shenhe in this terrible bar after a terrible day.
the gesture is very gentle- he’ll keep wiping her face as she cries, and at the bit of cloud retainer, the corner of his mouth lifts. ]
Is that a bad thing? [ the question is almost wry, and his thoughts reflect the truth of it - it isn’t.
[she hasn't worn her red ropes in weeks. she's felt more and more, over time, she's allowed herself to regulate her emotions like a real person. she's been destructive, but she's learned how to deal with it, with people who are so patient with her when they don't need to be.
another little sniff, as she just lets herself cry. she'd rather do it here, with him, than with anybody else.]
I'm not doing a good job of helping you right now. [she says, wiping her face herself - though she doesn't pull away from him doing it, either.]
There’s an argument to be made about nature and nurture. I find sometimes it can be difficult to overcome what’s in your nature. [ a pause, as he finally pulls his hand back a little to let her wipe her face, holding the extra tissues out of the way; though he looks generally exhausted, with the concealer he put under his eyes finally starting to flake away fully, there’s a look on his face that’s genuine. a small, tired smile. ] But, it’s worth it, when you do.
[ so worth it. it’s been worth every conditioned moment, every electric shock. every day comes down to moments like these for fei du— moments where he feels human, and alive. his chest is thin, but it hides a heavy heart, and it’s one that he’s earned.
he laughs a little when she says that, and waves a hand to get them a glass of water each. ]
I don’t need help, darling. [ There’s nothing to be done. ] So, I don’t mind.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ it's not, really, but what else can you do.
as he holds out his glass to get refilled by whatever fckin thing we have here i don't pay attention, and just pulls it up to his mouth again and takes another long drink. ]
I'm glad you were able to get answers, darling.
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[like with valerie. even though she doesn't think that's quite the same thing, because valerie was rude and shenhe has been trying her very, very best to figure out how to navigate this without hurting people. maybe it'd be better if he was angry. or something. she doesn't know.
she's like, vibrating.]
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[ he says, taking note of the vibrating. his thoughts go There's only one person I'm furious with. ]
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I don't know. It would feel better. [if she had something to fight. even though she knows he wouldn't.]
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[ quietly - it's non judgmental, but it is knowing, as he takes another sip of his wine. ]
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they are similar, in this respect. she doesn't say anything because he knows the answer.]
It isn't my fault. [but it kind of feels that way, though. like an extension of her is responsible for hurting an extension of him. this is why she never wanted to be on a team. if it was just her, she could control it better.]
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[ which he still feels bad about, guilty about, hours later. ]
I'm not angry with you, Shenhe. I couldn't be.
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silence.]
She was being a shit. [she mutters. stop you haven't even spoken to wolfwood in like three weeks you can't keep doing this]
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he laughs, a little, strained, but lets her take his hand. ]
Maybe, but I shouldn't have sunk to her level. [ I didn't hurt her. ] She's terrified of me now.
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[so she thinks it's dumb that people were like you can't talk to her like that she's a child!! when the other children do just fine in conversations.
she just rests her head on the bar.]
... This is it. This is all we had to do.
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for the most part, anyway. he watches shenhe rest her head on the bar, and takes another drink of his wine, turning his gaze back out to the wall.
... ] Yes. [ And it may be the end for some of us. ] You'll get to see Nahri soon.
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a pause, when she hears that thought. he's not looking at her, so that's good, but her voice is a little wobbly when she speaks.]
Don't.
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...
[ he squeezes her hand. ]
Sorry.
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she doesn't answer, just holds his hand.]
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... but he will look, glancing over at her once the silence falls. ]
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after a moment, he reaches over the edge of the bar and grabs a couple bar napkins - there's no verbal thought, just a sound, a quiet Oh.
he reaches out though. ] ...Lift your face for me.
[ and then quietly goes to dab at her tears. ]
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this is quieter. this is grief, because of today, because of tomorrow, because of what comes after.
she lifts her face obediently, and then startles, when he dabs at her face. what. bwuh.]
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he felt the same yesterday, when he cried - bizarre, out of his body. today is a little better, because he’s just so wrung out and frankly now starting to drink enough, and he can help shenhe, too. his heart breaks for her. ]
…it’s all almost over. [ quietly, as he cleans up her face. ] Just a little more.
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she just stares at him for a minute, and then:]
... Oh. [okay. wow. she feels like a real girl, which sucks.]
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the little “oh” gets him to smile - wry and wrung out, tired, but he nudges away at the tears until they’re gone. I know. he knows. he knows it sucks. he knows she’s not used to it. he knows she’s wrung out and miserable, because he feels the same. ]
I think Friday was the first time I’ve ever cried. It’s not very fun.
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It... no. [she agrees, faintly, trying to center herself.] It isn't. I haven't... I don't think I have since I was small.
[since the cave, since pulling herself to her feet to face the monster. her breath shivers when she drags it in.]
... Cloud Retainer isn't going to know what to do with me, I think. [she's changed, so much. but - isn't that how it should be? to be loved is to be changed.]
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the gesture is very gentle- he’ll keep wiping her face as she cries, and at the bit of cloud retainer, the corner of his mouth lifts. ]
Is that a bad thing? [ the question is almost wry, and his thoughts reflect the truth of it - it isn’t.
to be loved is to be changed indeed. ]
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[she hasn't worn her red ropes in weeks. she's felt more and more, over time, she's allowed herself to regulate her emotions like a real person. she's been destructive, but she's learned how to deal with it, with people who are so patient with her when they don't need to be.
another little sniff, as she just lets herself cry. she'd rather do it here, with him, than with anybody else.]
I'm not doing a good job of helping you right now. [she says, wiping her face herself - though she doesn't pull away from him doing it, either.]
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[ so worth it. it’s been worth every conditioned moment, every electric shock. every day comes down to moments like these for fei du— moments where he feels human, and alive. his chest is thin, but it hides a heavy heart, and it’s one that he’s earned.
he laughs a little when she says that, and waves a hand to get them a glass of water each. ]
I don’t need help, darling. [ There’s nothing to be done. ] So, I don’t mind.