[yeah thank god for fei du being like JUST SEND THE MESSAGE ANYWAY because shenhe has been dead for the whole time that messages have been available so she doesn't know what it looks like on the other side, help]
We had a similar outlook on how anger hurts. [she says, quietly, looking down at her phone. she'll settle close to fei du, though.] ... This is what I have so far.
[shows him her message: Oh, Jonas.
I'm not always good with words. Even now I am struggling to think of something that will help you. I think this story will not help you feel better, but I want you to know that I know how you feel. Last week, I found myself on a beach with some of the others who are here. We had to do horrible things. I was forced to kill Nahri and Wolfwood, and I have never felt so inhuman. When I came back, I felt so much that I nearly hurt people.
I don't tell you this for you to pity me - please don't. I tell you this because it is impossible to be human and feel right, sometimes. You will be okay. I am thinking about you all the time.
Don't give up. There is more to life than pain. There is music, and there is singing, and there is joy with the people you have found. The time we had mattered. And the time you have now matters. ]
[it's really that she's stolen a lot of this vernacular from the people around her and is using it in a way that helps her - but she does have the ability to do that, at least, so she's better than she thinks!
a pause.]
I see no reason to lie. [...] Thank you. I hope he will find it comforting.
fei du nods, reading the note over one last time before he passes the phone back to her. the line about humanity sticks, but he holds it - shenhe may hear him repeat the line in his head. it is impossible to be human and feel right, sometimes.
he doesn't say anything about it, though. typical. ]
I'm sure he will. [ sweet jonas.... ] It's nice to be able to reach out to them, isn't it? It does make them feel a little closer.
her lips twitch a little at that, though. carefully, she nudges him.]
... Yes. [it feels less like they're miles away and more like they're just out of reach.] I want them to believe there is hope. It didn't feel like there was, when I was alive.
Now that we have the points transference as a distinct possibility, you're right. Maybe we won't have to wait much longer. [ that's the logical answer, which is typical, but - his thoughts betray a little flicker of the feeling underneath. I want it to work. ]
[ he. laughs a little, first at having his thoughts read, and second, at the idea - though his actual thoughts are scattered after that, there's the sensation he's amused. ]
What's that like? [ not thinking that far ahead. ]
Not as relaxing as you might think. [...] The world is smaller, this way, and I think I might prefer it. But still. Maybe things would be easier if I did plan for the future.
[ fei du probably would hate every second of living a life unplanned, actually. but - he does laugh a little further, leaning into shenhe now more naturally. ]
I've planned almost every minute of my life, right down to when I thought it was going to end. I wouldn't say it's that much bigger, either.
[ there's a little pause, and he quirks a smile at her, warm. ] Maybe we can learn a little from each other, that way.
[ because he's getting better, here. he's getting healthier, warmer - despite falling into more negative coping mechanisms, the bonds he's made here and the lessons he's learned are starting to stick. being far from home, far from the ministrations of those people, have done him some good. ]
[she's quiet for a moment - her thoughts are quiet too, just absent little notes - the way the wind blows, the way the world sounds, an instinctive sort of existence from someone who has grown up expecting something to kill her at every step. but it isn't insistent, it isn't overpowering like it used to be. when she felt nothing, the only thing in her head was that. survival.
she's getting better, too, like him, letting people in, letting people lead her to something a little better.
when he smiles at her, there's a little flicker of I like it when he smiles. I like it when people smile at me. they usually didn't, back at home.]
I'd never thought about dying before I woke up here. [... she reaches for his hand, wanting to hold it. leans into him in return.] But... I don't know that I thought about living, either.
I existed. [And then I came here. All of you are so full of love. I don't know what to do with it.]
[ baby. he allows it - like always, fei du's hands are very soft, uncalloused, but he doesn't hesitate, opening his fingers to let let her take his hand. his thoughts are staticky and hard to read at the moment, especially as shenhe's drift across, but it doesn't seem a like a negative static. almost more positive, that his mind's quiet.
all of you are so love gets him to exhale, and he keeps the smile on his face, small and quiet and honest. ]
I get that. [ I just existed, too. that's all he did. fei du was only just learning what it meant to start living, in the past year, and it was just because of wenzhou leading him stumbling into the light. he'd started to maybe, slowly, start to trust people enough to make friends, and then was thrown face first into this game.
and here, he's actually made friends. friends like shenhe, friends like d, like gerard, people he's come to act like himself around. it's growth, where he's learning to be a person, whoever that person might be. ]
[she lifts his hand a little to look at it, to look at the way that she's holding it.]
This was impossible, several weeks ago.
[touch made her want to wriggle away. she'd never been touched in a way that wasn't violent, that wasn't indifferent. she knows that he's the same way. she knows there are a few people here who have had the same experience as her, and there's something - it feels a little like fate, to know that they all found each other. that monsters flock to monsters and find something human after all.
[ ...yeah. he gets that, too - the impossibility of touching other people, or rather, the impossibility of having someone else touch you first. fei du controls his interactions with everyone, touches at his own discretion, and it was only luo wenzhou that broke into his space.
until now. until coming here, until people like shenhe came and took his hand, and he let it happen. sometimes growth is slow, but, it happens all the same. he flexes his fingers a little where she squeezes, and is quiet, thoughtful.
sometimes, he wants to go back. sometimes, he wants to hide. but he tries to keep in mind what shenhe said to him - it is not selfish to love and be loved in return. ]
I'm getting used to it. [ which isn't quite loving it, but, for fei du, it's something. ] Thanks to people who seem to enjoy bringing it upon me without my permission.
[i read that as lup wenzhou at first and was like bwuh.
she glances at him, after a moment, and then:] Should I ask your permission?
[she does... genuinely worry about stuff like this... he doesn't seem like he hates it, but if she's committing a social transgression she has no idea.]
[she gives him a Look, but it's the kind of like fond don't play hit on me i know you don't mean it look. at least she's learned what flirting is! amazing!]
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[ there's genuine relief - I'm glad she got the message. because he's been worried, too.
but, he comes to plop down next to her, though, frowning about jonas. ]
... I guess I'm not surprised, considering his weekend. You two were awfully close, right? Have you decided what to say in return...?
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We had a similar outlook on how anger hurts. [she says, quietly, looking down at her phone. she'll settle close to fei du, though.] ... This is what I have so far.
[shows him her message:
Oh, Jonas.
I'm not always good with words. Even now I am struggling to think of something that will help you. I think this story will not help you feel better, but I want you to know that I know how you feel. Last week, I found myself on a beach with some of the others who are here. We had to do horrible things. I was forced to kill Nahri and Wolfwood, and I have never felt so inhuman. When I came back, I felt so much that I nearly hurt people.
I don't tell you this for you to pity me - please don't. I tell you this because it is impossible to be human and feel right, sometimes. You will be okay. I am thinking about you all the time.
Don't give up. There is more to life than pain. There is music, and there is singing, and there is joy with the people you have found. The time we had mattered. And the time you have now matters. ]
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anyway. he will take the phone to read her message, scanning it over. his thoughts are quiet, as he continues to read, and then...
Not good with words?
he smiles a little as he returns the phone, eyes crinkling at the corners. ] I think it's well said. [ heh. ] You're so honest, Shenhe.
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a pause.]
I see no reason to lie. [...] Thank you. I hope he will find it comforting.
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fei du nods, reading the note over one last time before he passes the phone back to her. the line about humanity sticks, but he holds it - shenhe may hear him repeat the line in his head. it is impossible to be human and feel right, sometimes.
he doesn't say anything about it, though. typical. ]
I'm sure he will. [ sweet jonas.... ] It's nice to be able to reach out to them, isn't it? It does make them feel a little closer.
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her lips twitch a little at that, though. carefully, she nudges him.]
... Yes. [it feels less like they're miles away and more like they're just out of reach.] I want them to believe there is hope. It didn't feel like there was, when I was alive.
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he takes the nudge, giving her a wry smile. ]
Now that we have the points transference as a distinct possibility, you're right. Maybe we won't have to wait much longer. [ that's the logical answer, which is typical, but - his thoughts betray a little flicker of the feeling underneath. I want it to work. ]
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anyway casually responds to his thoughts because she has no awareness of politeness]
It has to. [I can't think about what would happen if it doesn't. she's scared to.] ... I try to not think that far ahead. It makes me feel nauseated.
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What's that like? [ not thinking that far ahead. ]
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Not as relaxing as you might think. [...] The world is smaller, this way, and I think I might prefer it. But still. Maybe things would be easier if I did plan for the future.
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[ fei du probably would hate every second of living a life unplanned, actually. but - he does laugh a little further, leaning into shenhe now more naturally. ]
I've planned almost every minute of my life, right down to when I thought it was going to end. I wouldn't say it's that much bigger, either.
[ there's a little pause, and he quirks a smile at her, warm. ] Maybe we can learn a little from each other, that way.
[ because he's getting better, here. he's getting healthier, warmer - despite falling into more negative coping mechanisms, the bonds he's made here and the lessons he's learned are starting to stick. being far from home, far from the ministrations of those people, have done him some good. ]
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she's getting better, too, like him, letting people in, letting people lead her to something a little better.
when he smiles at her, there's a little flicker of I like it when he smiles. I like it when people smile at me. they usually didn't, back at home.]
I'd never thought about dying before I woke up here. [... she reaches for his hand, wanting to hold it. leans into him in return.] But... I don't know that I thought about living, either.
I existed. [And then I came here. All of you are so full of love. I don't know what to do with it.]
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all of you are so love gets him to exhale, and he keeps the smile on his face, small and quiet and honest. ]
I get that. [ I just existed, too. that's all he did. fei du was only just learning what it meant to start living, in the past year, and it was just because of wenzhou leading him stumbling into the light. he'd started to maybe, slowly, start to trust people enough to make friends, and then was thrown face first into this game.
and here, he's actually made friends. friends like shenhe, friends like d, like gerard, people he's come to act like himself around. it's growth, where he's learning to be a person, whoever that person might be. ]
It's a little scary, isn't it?
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[she lifts his hand a little to look at it, to look at the way that she's holding it.]
This was impossible, several weeks ago.
[touch made her want to wriggle away. she'd never been touched in a way that wasn't violent, that wasn't indifferent. she knows that he's the same way. she knows there are a few people here who have had the same experience as her, and there's something - it feels a little like fate, to know that they all found each other. that monsters flock to monsters and find something human after all.
she squeezes his hand once.]
But I like it. I don't want to go back.
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until now. until coming here, until people like shenhe came and took his hand, and he let it happen. sometimes growth is slow, but, it happens all the same. he flexes his fingers a little where she squeezes, and is quiet, thoughtful.
sometimes, he wants to go back. sometimes, he wants to hide. but he tries to keep in mind what shenhe said to him - it is not selfish to love and be loved in return. ]
I'm getting used to it. [ which isn't quite loving it, but, for fei du, it's something. ] Thanks to people who seem to enjoy bringing it upon me without my permission.
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she glances at him, after a moment, and then:] Should I ask your permission?
[she does... genuinely worry about stuff like this... he doesn't seem like he hates it, but if she's committing a social transgression she has no idea.]
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help. this is cute, though - he looks a little startled, and then gives her a little smile, reassuring. ]
No. You're fine, darling. [ playfully: ] I can always appreciate a touch from a beautiful woman.
[ he's
joking ]
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You don't need to flatter me, Fei Du.
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What flattery? It's the truth. [ :3c ]
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[ this is cheating ]