[ the worst part of this memory is that it's familiar in more ways than one.
it's familiar in the way that he was here with shenhe, standing in this cave in the VR room back in the UG. he remembers - he'd never seen her look the way she did then. not so much afraid as almost violently uncomfortable, remembers the story she'd told him as they padded their way through. but more so than that...
... someone said to fei du about his own memories, that his father should have loved him. fei du knows fei chengyu wasn't capable of it, and there's something a thousand times worse to know that this father must have loved her mother, that he was capable, and cast shenhe to the side because of it. it's violently cruel in the way that his life hasn't been, and every second that passes in the memory is more brutal than the rest. he knows shenhe is tenacious and a fighter, and he knows children can be pushed to the edge, but watching this is nothing if not a reminder of how innocence can be stole and smashed to pieces with an axe, in as much as its a reminder of survival.
when the memory ends, with the crystalline vision, he exhales, a fierce, sharp noise. they're still close together - she still holds his hand, and he squeezes hers, tight, and lets its the last time you felt anything at all resonate in his ribs. ]
Shenhe. [ fei du says, very softly, in case she's still drifting in the memory the way he would be, and pushes their foreheads together a little further, reaching up to do exactly what she did for him - to push a lock of her hair back, stroking his fingers through it like a reminder. stay here. ]
[he was capable of love, is the thing, that's true. the fact that he could've accepted the loss of her mother and could've held his hands out to her but didn't... it hurts. nothing could have stood in the way of his true love. nothing.
that cave made her into the monster she is, and she's still slowly unlearning everything it taught her.
but she's had years to distance herself from it. and so when he gets her attention, she just exhales shakily and presses back. it's alright. she's here.]
I'm fine. [...] Our fathers did not love us the way they should have.
[ his heart hurts for that little girl. childhood is such a fragile thing, isn't it? how easily it can be stolen from you, ripped away by the ministrations and selfish actions of the people who were supposed to raise you.
his thumb, very gently, slides over the top of shenhe's knuckles, once he's sure she's in the present moment. he'll take the phrase - i'm fine - whether it's true or not, out of the grace that she gave him when she saw the thing that made him a monster, too.
the comment - he. laughs, just this soft, short noise. ]
No. [ no, they did not. ] What a terrible thing to have in common.
he finally pulls back just a little, enough that he can reach up and rub his face under the weight of the memories with his free hand, pushing the last bastions of shenhe's and his alike away and into his little brain filing cabinet. the comment is so sweet - he makes a soft noise in response, giving her a wry smile. ]
You shouldn't. [ there's nothing about him worth admiring, actually, because he is a trash person, but he will let shenhe say she does if she wants to. ] But... thank you, nonetheless.
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it's familiar in the way that he was here with shenhe, standing in this cave in the VR room back in the UG. he remembers - he'd never seen her look the way she did then. not so much afraid as almost violently uncomfortable, remembers the story she'd told him as they padded their way through. but more so than that...
... someone said to fei du about his own memories, that his father should have loved him. fei du knows fei chengyu wasn't capable of it, and there's something a thousand times worse to know that this father must have loved her mother, that he was capable, and cast shenhe to the side because of it. it's violently cruel in the way that his life hasn't been, and every second that passes in the memory is more brutal than the rest. he knows shenhe is tenacious and a fighter, and he knows children can be pushed to the edge, but watching this is nothing if not a reminder of how innocence can be stole and smashed to pieces with an axe, in as much as its a reminder of survival.
when the memory ends, with the crystalline vision, he exhales, a fierce, sharp noise. they're still close together - she still holds his hand, and he squeezes hers, tight, and lets its the last time you felt anything at all resonate in his ribs. ]
Shenhe. [ fei du says, very softly, in case she's still drifting in the memory the way he would be, and pushes their foreheads together a little further, reaching up to do exactly what she did for him - to push a lock of her hair back, stroking his fingers through it like a reminder. stay here. ]
no subject
that cave made her into the monster she is, and she's still slowly unlearning everything it taught her.
but she's had years to distance herself from it. and so when he gets her attention, she just exhales shakily and presses back. it's alright. she's here.]
I'm fine. [...] Our fathers did not love us the way they should have.
no subject
his thumb, very gently, slides over the top of shenhe's knuckles, once he's sure she's in the present moment. he'll take the phrase - i'm fine - whether it's true or not, out of the grace that she gave him when she saw the thing that made him a monster, too.
the comment - he. laughs, just this soft, short noise. ]
No. [ no, they did not. ] What a terrible thing to have in common.
[ dads suck, actually? they suck. ]
You've grown so much since then, darling.
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It has been a difficult thing.
[growing, trying to figure out who she is. she stays where she is, taking that understanding. they are so alike, in some ways. that's comforting too.]
... I admire you, Fei Du. [because he has spent his whole life trying not to be what his father made him into. she's not sure she tried that hard.]
no subject
he finally pulls back just a little, enough that he can reach up and rub his face under the weight of the memories with his free hand, pushing the last bastions of shenhe's and his alike away and into his little brain filing cabinet. the comment is so sweet - he makes a soft noise in response, giving her a wry smile. ]
You shouldn't. [ there's nothing about him worth admiring, actually, because he is a trash person, but he will let shenhe say she does if she wants to. ] But... thank you, nonetheless.